Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 6

Over the years, I have found different places to write. I have used a lot of social media as well. I have noticed I still come back to typing on my computer and hand writing. I have thought about so much stuff. Life happens to you, and you get carried away. You want to sit down and write it all down. Well, that's what I do anyway. I have done tried and tried to get over things that have happened to me. Yet, even though the days go on, and they leave the front of my mind, when new obstacles come, which start to resemble the past mistakes, I still get nervous.

I want to fall apart. I want to break down and cry. I want to just wallow in the sorrow that's before me. I have come to understand once you get those special people around you, who want to be there for you, and who are for you, there's a change in you. You start to feel more powerful. You aren't constantly wondering when something bad is going to happen. You just start to go with the flow. I've become good at it. I have been all over the place.

Lately, I have started doing the CampNanowrimo as you already know. I am on day 7, and I have already gotten farther then what I thought I would. I'm proud of myself for trying to do this. Of course, there is a lot of editing that will need to be done. I'm happy and excited about what I can do. There are things I remember from my teacher's past. Going into college, here soon, I am wondering what my experience is going to be like. I wonder if I am going to end up pushing myself over the edge like I did in high school to get to where I wanted to be.

I have always tried to take everything I do seriously. Even when I am just singing on the smule sing! app for karaoke, I take it seriously. I love singing, but I know I'm not the best. Even when I am sitting at a desk listening to the teacher lecture or tell us about something we should pay attention to, I want to get the full extent of it. I had a former teacher, who is a very good motivator and friend to me who told me, "you are your biggest critic."

When she said that, to me at first I knew she was right. I knew because of the way I did my work. I always wanted it to be right. Everything for school had to be the way it was supposed to be. I've come to learn since I have left high school, the little stuff I do for fun, I still want it to be a success. I am so wrapped up with things I can burst. Of course, that's just my opinion. Back then, I was just waiting for my head to explode.

I used to think one day, it was going to be way too much, and I was going to end up in the hospital because of what I was doing. Back then I would try to only eat twice a day. I wasn't too much of a breakfast person, and when lunch came, I just went all out. For me, school was my safety. It was my place away from all the happenings of the place, I lived. I know my family thinks I was one of those who was just being selfish and everything else.

That wasn't true. I knew that when I was home, my anger was bad. I knew when I was in school, everything I wanted to do was at my fingertips. I liked being able to go to the library in the morning. I liked being in the hallway, and class talking to my friends. I generally liked being in school. Granted, there were some days when I was feeling like any other teenager, where I didn't want to be there. Of course, it soon faded when something amazing happened for me at school.

There have always been good and bad days. For the past two years, I have been going back and forth amongst my family trying to make myself feel happy. Granted, I do love my cousins. Yet, I didn't want to babysit my whole life. I like working at the daycare, I was working at. Yet, I've always wanted to be a writer. Everyone likes to tell me; you won't make money. You need a real job. You must be able to take care of yourself. I do take care of myself. I'm still on this Earth, aren't I?

Of course, I didn't ever say that out loud. I am loved. I have actual happiness. Granted, being in school gave me happiness. Right now, I am in the mode of happiness. I am so close to getting everything I want. I have a happy, healthy and loving relationship with a man, and I am getting ready to go to school. I am going to major in the arts and do what I do best. I'm going to work hard at school, and make sure I can get a degree to be an English teacher and a writer.

I know you don't have to have a degree to be a writer. I know there is a whole lot of business to it too. I just know I love the way my life is. I know you guys are probably wondering why I'm saying all of this. It's only because for some strange reason today, I felt like letting go. I felt like letting go of all the negative I have left. All the things which seem to cloud up my mind a lot.

I create stories from my life like any other author. I wish I was one. I know I must work my way to get there. I have been doing research about it for years. I love Maya Angelou, Charles Dickens, J.K. Rowling, L.M. Montgomery, Robert Frost, and a ton of other greats. I love to read and write. It just so happens; I am not giving up. There are people who may not like me, or who do. That's something they must deal with.

If there is one thing that my high school did teach me, was no matter how "hood bridge" we were, we always knew what we wanted in life. I am proud of that. I may not be up in my years, but I have seen, heard and learned a lot from things I've done. I'm just feeling happy today, and I just felt like talking. Sorry if this was too much to read. Thanks for reading it though. It takes a lot of guts to post your troubles.

When I start talking about things I have been through in my life, or the people I meet, it's like something comes over me, and I just want to tell it all. I'm glad I can put it all on paper. It makes me feel so much better. I don't have as much worry. I don't have to think about it anymore. It goes from bothering me to not influencing me. I love how that works out for me. When I don't have to worry, it's as if something has come over me.

Even though there is always something crazy going on in this world, I have could not let it get me down too much. Of course, I still have managed to let my emotions get the best of me. I know it's not the greatest thing to do. I can't help it too much when it happens. If I just let it come out, I know even though I may be called a child, it's natural. It just means I have a heart and even if I feel like ripping that person's head off, my tears are just falling. I think that's a better outcome. That way no one goes to hail.

Being able to find myself through everything I have been through is making me stronger. Knowing I can start doing everything myself, and the right way, makes me feel good. I don't have to rely on other people too much anymore. It's just about being able to go places and I am glad I can be ale to pay for my own way. I believe my parents taught me well. Even if some people don't think so. I have come a very long way. The journey still isn't over yet. I still have so far to go. My life isn't over yet because I got one book published. I have so much more I want to create. I'm not giving up so easily. My life is just getting started. I am feeling mighty great.