Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 8

It may be too real for some, but this is my life. It's been like this since I was working at the daycare. Once I left home, I had to make time to write. Someone always said about how I couldn't spend all my time doing it. I think that's how I lost myself. With me writing, I could keep myself grounded. I don't want to lose who I am because I'm doing what needs to be done to survive. Yet, there are a lot of writers who have used their other jobs to be their base or their stories. Their experiences have made them who they are. I think the same is said for me. The things I have been through have helped me as a writer and a person. I have grown from it. Even though I still feel scarred, I have managed to be strong. I'm still living and trying to do better.

There should be credit for that, but there isn't. I'm still learning from the people around me. I am still trying to be the individual I am. At least the more work I do, the more experience I have. I hope when I get finished here, I can have there be someone at my funeral to say I worked hard. I don't like being called lazy, or sitting around doing nothing. Yet, when I must wait for someone to give me something to do, it's what I'm resorted to. Maybe I should just become a full-blown worker, and not do anything else. Funny thing is, I'm already there.

I know I'm there because I don't do much when I go home. I literally push myself to write. I've been trying to get back into dancing on the Wii and doing karaoke. I know what I can do. I skip breakfast some mornings, to catch up on the books I haven't read. There are tons of things I used to do, I don't do anymore. I'm getting lazy, and I don't like it. As much as the people I care about know me, I know myself way better. Well, besides God, and he knows everyone better than they know themselves. Anyway, I just want to be better.

I think I'm trying, but I still mess up, and it's giving me a bad outlook. I don't want my future bosses to think I'm dumb or a knucklehead. I want them to see me as a hard worker and intelligent. I know in the end; I just must prove everyone wrong. I when I was in high school, I did every day. I pushed and worked hard. I used to help friends who were in a higher grade than me. It helped me for when I got to that grade because I already knew what to do. I know I'm just going to have to use any tactic I can. Maybe even some old tactics. Yet, I want to do whatever it takes to get others to see me as an adult.

I don't want people to think I'm sixteen. There are times I wish I was twelve again. My home life wasn't the best, but my surrounding areas were good. Back then my teachers would say I did my work like a college student. I got to hang out with my friends a lot more. I also went a lot more places. I wrote a lot too. Things changed when I was 13. Yet, right now I know I'm not giving up on the life I want. I know I keep saying it, but I want it to sink in my head. I am so close to having everything I could ever want. I don't want something to ruin it. Especially since I am happy, and not pretending. It's so much better this way. Applying myself was one thing I knew when it came to certain things. I know for myself, I can tell I'm still trying.

I understand in the real world no one cares about what another person is going through. Yet, when a person wants help they go to someone. The world may be troubling, but if I am on this Earth, I know I'm going to keep trying to get to where I want to be. There are things I get ticked about, but I know in due time I will get past it. I had a history teacher who told me "the things you care about now, you won't care about in the future." I've learned he was right. I've also learned there are so many different lessons you learn every day.

Then again, you are always supposed to learn something new. When I got out of high school, I pictured my life going in a certain direction. It didn't happen that way, and I've been adapting to another way of doing things. I am getting smarter; it's just I need to work harder and smarter. I'm glad I can still find ways to motivate myself. I am going to keep trying because I'm not the type to give up. I may say I'm going to, but by the next day, I'll be back to pushing myself. I don't want anyone getting the wrong impression of me.

I don't like being a hypocrite, but there are times when I end up being one. It makes me feel sour. Yet, I keep on moving because I know one of these days I'll accomplish everything I set out to do. The one thing I know which will stick with me is "just because the work day is over, it doesn't mean the day is over." There will always be something which needs to get done. Benjamin Franklin said it best when he said, "Have something to do tomorrow? Do it today." He was right because I've done tried to get things done. I've managed to do some, but I know when your body needs rest, you should listen to it.

I'm the type who will stay up all night to write. I'm also one to do the same for reading. I know I could do it for anything that needs to be done. I know there are limits to what a person can do. Yet, I don't let that stop me. I will try to find a way to do whatever it is. I think it's because there are a ton of different things I want to do. I want to be able to know how to do many things. I mines well just say, I don't want to be limited to knowing how to do just one thing. I want to be able to sharpen the skills I do have, and gain more. Like they say, "knowledge is power." I'm just a person who has high hopes and dreams.

I'm being myself in a way. I'm just hiding away at certain times. I know if you ask some of my family they may complain about how I need to do more. Yet, I just don't want to keep being on everyone else's time. Of course, that's what life is about. It's doing what you must, for you to survive. That's why so many people give up on their dreams. Life happens, and you must accept the reality. Reality makes you realize the truth, and how you need to just suck it up and deal with it. I'm emotional, but I do have a violent/anger streak at times. It's only around my brothers and sisters. Yet, a lot of people are like that, and they can just channel that energy.