Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 6

One of the things which is most important to me is my relationship with the Lord. My best trait is my smile. A movie that makes me happy is Carolina. Something that excites me is when my family goes out together. Something that worries me is waking up the next day to find out I have nothing. Some actions I admire are when people do something special for those who don't have anything. I admire when people can share their story and it leaves a strong impact on me and others. A time of transition was when my family moved a lot when I was younger. I feel amazing today. I spent my time thinking about what it means to be with family. The year which has been the best for me so far, I would have to say is my junior year. It was my best because I had finally figured out how to get everything I wanted.

I trust the Lord. A song from my childhood I remember most would be Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder. I know I can be random at times. It's also a good way to tell who is paying attention and who isn't. I have been thinking about many things over the years. It's one of which keeps me occupied. I know at times I wish there was less of me constantly thinking. Yet, when I sit down and process it, I realize I need to because if I didn't, someone could say there was something wrong with me. Some think so now, yet there isn't any proof. I love it when I get to prove people wrong. It's another thing I love because there are so many doubtful people. They want to make you think they're on your side, when really, they have a hidden agenda. It irks my nerves.

It irks my nerves because you get one side of them one day, and then another side another day. I have many thoughts. At times, I know it seems I can be too hasty and too outspoken. Yet, that part of me is usually hidden. I hide it because I know there are some people who are worse than me. I usually let my emotions speak for me. The one thing about that is, most of the time it's me crying. I cry a lot when I'm at work. It sucks when it happens. It's also how I found out what people really feel. I think that's probably why I want to push myself as hard as I can. I don't want to be considered hypocritical and shallow. I just know my opinions are strong, and they don't show up until I'm writing. I know that's why one of my middle school teachers had told me my writing is my voice.

I love the way it feels when I am writing. I feel like I'm in my own world. I love being able to just pour my heart out. It takes a lot out of me when I am spending months on a project. I have been doing it for a long time now. I have hand written a lot of my work. When I found out how much better it was for me to type it, and then put it into a notebook, I felt relieved. I felt relieved because then I wouldn't be constantly losing paper because I didn't like what was coming out. I have come to know even the best writers of all time have stressed through the craziness of drafts. Yet, writing drafts is supposed to be the fun part. You won't ever know how many drafts you're going to write. As time goes along, when you finally feel comfortable, that's when you know.

I have felt it many times. By my calculation, I have handwritten 24 stories. It's gotten to the point where I was even titling my journals. I know I've said it before, but, that's just something you don't hear a person say. I love being able to have a separate stack of notebooks for my stories. I like being able to transfer the stories I have typed into a notebook. I think it's great once I've written and edited my story, I can publish my story myself. Currently, there isn't anything we can't do. I know at times I feel like I can't. Yet, at the end of a project I'm working on, and seeing how great it came out, I feel better. I feel better because I achieved something I thought I couldn't. It's just something amazing I must share. It's a great thing for me.

I am always challenging myself. I want to gain a ton of knowledge, and with wanting that, I try to do a ton more. I know it may seem like I'm too hard on myself, but it's the way I do things. I do it because I want to be better. I know there will be people in my life who are going to continue being hard on me. They think I'm not cut out for life because of my actions. It's not that I'm not cut out for it. It's just I'm not cut out for the way they want me to be. I have been trying for so long to get people's approval. The only person's real approval I need is the Lord's. Even with that said, I still worry about my parents and relatives being proud of me. I worry because I don't think it's a great thing to be feeling like a failure.

I know they won't admit it, if that's how they feel. Yet, if I can try to keep them from thinking that way, I know things will be okay. I know things will be okay because I did more than my best. I did more than what everyone expected me too. I like being able to reach as many goals as possible. I have goals I set for myself. I know the main person I like to prove something to is myself. I want to prove a lot of things to myself. I just know it's going to take a lot of energy. I know a lot of things take up your energy and time. I feel I am using my time wisely. I just don't tell certain people what I am doing. I don't tell certain people because they usually have something negative to say. I know I don't need that when I am trying to better myself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do that.

I know there are people against this, but that would be on them. I know my life isn't considered normal. I've never thought it was. I have always hoped I could make it normal. Then I learned to just accept the fact we are all abnormal. I know for a fact I'm abnormal. I don't let it stop me. I keep trying to beat the odds at all costs. I know my way of thinking can have people just stare at me. It doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. It just means I see certain things different from you. There is nothing wrong with that. The way we were raised, we are supposed to embrace the change. We are supposed to love everyone for who they are, yet when times change, people change too. I know it happens and there isn't anything we can do to change it. I just try to live for myself.

When you're living for yourself, that's when you start to realize just how hard things can be. There are people who don't want to be around you. There are things being said to you, which make you just want to start whaling on the person who said it. In your mind, it can seem like the best part of the whole day. Yet, we all know there are many consequences for our actions. In the end, we choose to walk away or just argue with them. I have been trying to do what I want for a long time. I have seen how some people have been able to do it. Yet, I have also seen where they mess up. I think that's another thing I have learned. I have learned to pay attention to other people's mistakes as well as my own. I have made a ton of mistakes so far. It doesn't mean I'm not going to make more.

I have acknowledged everything I have done. I know my past is what has made me the person I am. I know my life is not over yet. I understand there is more for me to find out. I know I am not going to get anywhere sitting around waiting for something to happen. I know if I want to be something, I had to go out and make it happen. I know life was not meant to be easy. I know my life isn't easy. I know I have caused a lot of the things that's happened to me. I know I must want to help myself. I know no one else can control what I want. I just lose sight of that throughout the day. I let people and their thoughts about me take over. I keep thinking to myself "maybe they're right." I want to know that they are because I am steady punishing myself trying to be like everyone else.