Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 11

I am glad I have God, all the people I have learned from behind me. I am glad because I don't think I would have made it. I was always doubting myself. I have had problems with my confidence. I like to do things and then start second guessing. One of the people I looked up to, told me I am my biggest critic. I sit and think sometimes. When I think about it, I realize she is right. If something doesn't go right, I start thinking everything is falling apart. I still react the same way. I do live my life though. I try to change things about myself for my stories. I try to add things to see how it would have turned out. When I was 12, I had lived out a fictional story I wrote. Everything was going the way I wanted it too. I realized then, I could use my skills to help me with my life. I have thought about the year many times. I have tried to bring back that person. I am constantly wondering what happened to that spirit.

Back then I had so much spirit and drive. I used to surprise my teachers with the things I did. I had even managed to surprise my friends. In my mind now, I feel I have lost sight of that. I think it was because I got caught up in the events which were happening after that year. I was feeling lost and depressed. I ended up with depression. I caused myself to feel that way, and end up in certain situations.

At least that's what my mom told me. Apparently, according to my mother, I have had dysthymic depression 4 times. I thought when I was 13 and 14, it was my first time. I soon learned otherwise. I am glad I learned other ways to cope. Each time I have thought about death or about writing to keep from losing my mind. The first time I was only 3. I was just sad and my mom put me in therapy. The second time I wrote all the time. I wrote a lot of sad songs.

The time after that I was very angry. I wrote about death and horrible thoughts. The last time I felt everything around me was bothering me. My mom kept telling me I couldn't keep using that as an excuse. I turned my writing assignment for class into my expression of thoughts. I ended up having an intervention by my friends.

Then I started going to therapy. I stopped by my sophomore year. During that time, I just started going through the whole different boyfriend scene. I also started opening to my teachers. Well, certain ones anyway. They were very insightful. I have locked up many of those thoughts in my journals. I have treasured those moments. I am going to repay them by doing what they know I can. I have given them a challenging student. They have given me so much courage and faith, it's hard to give up. There have been days this summer where I have wanted to run away. Then I start thinking about how each one of those teachers would react if they found me, and found out what I did.

I made it through the summer. I am going to make it through these months. I am going to hold onto the things they have taught me. They are my mentors. Those four years I have grown, and even though Mr. Adams said to treat graduation like a regular day, I will remember it as the day I broke the chains of doubt. I am thankful for those teachers. I still pray for them.

I have shared many of my secrets. I have had my chances to fix things. I still try the days I can. I still screw up. I have learned to learn from my mistakes. I am grateful for each day I am awaken. God let me go through tons of arguments internally. He brought me the teachers I had to push me. They pushed me until all that was left was positivity. People may have hated them, to me, they have made me at times. Yet, they have opened my eyes to new skills.

New skills can help you with jobs in the future. The opportunities won't always be there. I know that's why they always said to have a backup plan. I was happy when I learned I go accepted to each school I applied to. There have been shows and movies where the students didn't get into any of their schools. I felt very lucky. When it came down to narrowing, I was nervous.

My teachers were there for me. College has always been a thought on my mind. I am glad I an taking the opportunity. I am glad I know my major.  I hope one day I can see my fourth-grade teacher again. I want to thank her. If it wasn't for her having us write those expository essay/short stories, I don't think I would have been a writer. I am very glad for my chosen art. This art of mine has gotten me many opportunities. I have been a five-time published poet. I have gotteb offered to be a published author twice. Opportunities don't come everyday. Life is going to try and knock me down. I know as soon as I get back up, I am going to keep fighting.