Tangled and Challenged

Part 13: Life

Chapter 1:

It seems I belong nowhere and everywhere. By that I mean as much work as I put on myself, it seems I must do more. I know I should take my schooling into account. I haven't forgotten about school whatsoever. I am ecstatic about starting school in September. I can't wait because then I will be back in a classroom. I will be back in a place where I am most comfortable. I don't care that it must be college. I will be satisfied knowing I can be around teachers and other adults like myself. I will be learning new skills and being able to brush up on my other ones too. I have always thought about staying in school. Life happened to me and I have had to deal with it. I have made choices and now I am starting to get back onto my dream path. I don't want any negativity trying to mess me up.

I mean so what if I want to have a boyfriend before I start. I hate being alone and seeing all the couples around me just makes me depressed. I understand where my father is coming from. Yet, I know where my priorities lie. I have never put my schooling second of anything. God is the only person, but anyway, I don't give up on school. I will go to school and study liberal arts. I am going to be somebody I can be proud of. This will be for me. There are many mixed signals around me and I am just going to keep looking straight. It's the best thing for me to do. I know I will be focused and on a mission. I will be back in my zone. I know I will push myself hard. It's a strategy which has worked more than once. I don't think there will be room for negotiations when it comes down to my study tactics.

I have spent a ton of time living in the past. When I think about my life now I know it's better than it was. Of course, there are some things I want to fix. I know I must work to get things accomplished quicker. My parents have always cared about our education. Even now my dad says for me to focus on school, and I'm not in college just yet. There are moments when I want to let loose. I want to be like all the other people my age. Then, I realize just how much fun I had when I was in my late teens. I think about those days and I remember just how much I learned and went through. Life has taught me some lessons, I should be learning later. I am thankful for those lessons. I'm thankful for them because I wouldn't have my knowledge.

I do know I want to gain more. I want to gain as much knowledge as possible. I have always wanted to exceed past my limits. I know I will continue to do so because it's something I know how to do. When it comes to the things I have done a million times, which I don't mess up on, I know I will be okay. There are many things I know, yet I know I can be dumb daily. I just keep trying even though I want to give up. I want to give up every day, but I keep going. I keep going because I know sooner or later, something good will happen. I think that's another reason why we continue to pray. We know the Lord will lead us to the good, once we get through the bad. I know at times I get offensive, but I know what the Lord has bought me through. I am thankful for all of it.

One thing I am most proud of was being able to graduate high school. I am proud of that because I know a lot of people who didn't finish high school. Another reason I'm proud of myself for graduating is because, I didn't think I was going to make it. I wanted to give up on my life and the Lord stopped me. He instilled it in my friends to be there for me, and do what they needed to do, to keep me around. I will never forget the looks on my friends faces when I told them I didn't want to be on the earth anymore. I am very proud of myself for being able to graduate with all the drama which was going on. I'm proud to say I got my diploma because I can at get a job. I'm proud of being able to graduate school because in the end, all the all-nighter and going crazy over school was worth it.

The way I want to be remembered is for there to be a celebration. I want to be remembered for the hard worker I was. I want for my friends and family to remember all the fun times we had together. I know there will be things which are sad they will remember, but I would like for it to bring them all peace. I want to be remembered for the person I was. I don't want them to remember me as being a horrible person. I want to be remembered as the person who never gave up even when she wanted to. I want to be remembered by the way people saw me and knew me and not for all the negative. I want to be remembered in a good way. I want to be remembered for every piece of me, but for everyone to know there was always a reason for the things I've done.

The person or thing which directed my life I would have to say would be the things I've been through in my life. I have been trying to get myself to understand all the things which happened in my past, which are just messing up certain things inside my head for my present. I would have to say it happened when I was thirteen. I would say it started when I was thirteen because once I started to get everything lined up while being in seventh grade, I noticed bad things started happening. It became a cycle in which I don't think it has ended yet. I think the more times I continue to let things sit in my mind about what has happened in my life and what goes on now, the more influenced I become. I have always allowed my family to influence me. I allow them to influence me because I know they have more knowledge then me. Yet, I've noticed when I choose to go that route, I mess up the beliefs and thoughts I have always had.

The advice I would give others based on the successes I've had and the mistakes I've made is to understand no matter what there will always be a consequence. There will be a consequence whether good or bad. There are many pieces of advice I could give. When it comes towards the success I've had, I would say continue to find a way which helps you lead a straight path. Don't let others influence you and you find yourself losing the person you had started out to be. When it comes to the mistakes I've made, the advice I would give is to make sure you always double check yourself and make sure you don't overwork yourself. When it comes to both my successes and the mistakes I've made, I would say to always keep the faith. If you have the belief in yourself and you know you can do it, you will go far. Even though at times you want to give up, think about the things you have already accomplished and use them as a tool to want to continue.

Some of the best days of my life was when I was in fourth grade and my class got to meet a real author. Another best day of my life, was when I was 16, and I got kissed the way I have always seen in movies. Then, I would have to say when I got my first poem published from a poetry contest I entered. I would also say when I discovered I could make my friends feel warm knowing I wasn't going to end our friendship. These moments are some of the best days of my life because I could impact myself and the people I care about very strongly. I was also able to learn I can achieve anything with confidence in myself. These days will stick with me because it reminds me of the things I have accomplished and never thought I would get the chance to do or feel. These days are important moments because it helped me to understand I will never be ordinary and that's okay.

If I could have done anything in my life, it would have been to make sure all the people I know and love, knew just how much they mean to me. I would want them to know because even though you can tell a person you love them, you should show them. They must see your feelings are genuine. They must know for sure you aren't messing with them. They must understand no matter what happens you will always love them. They should know you value all the talks you've had and the times you've spent together. I want for those I know and love to understand I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for them. I want to return the favor for all the times they were there for me. I want them to know they will always be in mind. I would want them to understand they have each given me a gift I will never part with. I know to them it will sound cliché but, I want them to see that without them, I wouldn't have gotten as far.

I wouldn't be too sure I have made an impact on the world. I know I've had my friends tell me I have helped them. I know I have made it to where my friends and teachers have learned as much from me as I have them. I think my impact on the world will come later in life. I hope when it does, I will make a huge difference. If I wasn't born, I don't think a lot of the things which have happened in my life, would have happened. I think the world would cease to exist. I just know my life wouldn't exist. I know it probably would, but it would be someone else going through the different situations.