Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 6

Backing away from all the dreams and fantasies, I am learning I can enjoy reality. I know a lot of why I am enjoying my reality is because I have been spending time with Mike. When I am around him I can be myself and know, he isn't going to blow up on me. I know for a fact the only expression he hasn't seen on my face is tears. I don't want him to see my face all red and my eyes all puffy.

I can talk about him for hours. I know you guys, that's what it seems like. I am just excited about having a relationship where I don't have to deal with drama or a breakup being around the corner. Every time I turn around, as soon as I get to a spot where I am comfortable with a person, I am getting dumped. I have been cheated on four times. I have attracted a lot of crazies in my past. After a while, you get tired of it. It's even worse after we have said, "I love you." I am glad Mike and I haven't said it. I know if I wasn't thinking about my past, I would be mad we haven't said it. I want to say it. I just know saying it first, I may love him more than he loves me. I would rather not risk that.

I am glad I can talk to him about thing. He has could do the same with me. He notices the difference in my reactions. He still tells me because sooner or later I will ask again. I like having him open to me. It builds the trust between us. We have been honest with each other with things that even involved people from the past. I know that's the part which makes me feel closer to him. It makes me feel warm inside knowing we can trust each other with that information.

After all, trust and honesty are the biggest thing in a relationship. When being in a relationship where you communicate effectively it teaches you a thing or two. By that I mean it shows you a whole side of a person you have never seen. I think communication may be the problem when it comes to my mom and siblings. I know if I can work on that everything will be better. It can help me understand why we choose to react the way I do.

I have been talking to my father (God). This month I have been learning how to deal with crap. I have been talking to Mike about what goes on. I take all the emotions I have and put them into my poetry and songs. I have been putting my thoughts into them too. It seems so much easier. I know there have been times where I don't see Mike. When I don't see, him it makes me want to write more.

I want to write more because I know the next time I see him; I can show him. He gives me great advice. This month has been like a test. It's almost over too. The countdown has begun. For the past 9 years, I have been wanting to leave. Now that I am it seems surreal. I've had to learn my home life will stay the same. I have learned I attract the perverted and bad boy types. I guess that's why I used to go week for Leonardo. With Mike, I know he is a good person. I know how I get around him. I know I get demanding when it comes to wanting him to show his affection for me. I've learned from my past; I was just not too great at telling the guy I was with what I wanted. I keep trying not to make any mistakes. He just notices everything about me.

I am scared about what's going to happen to us once I leave. Admitting I am scared is tough. Now I have said it; I don't feel as bad. I enjoy spending time with my family when we aren't mad at each other. There are a lot of things I enjoy. I wrote Mike a four-page letter, and I loved it. I think writing is just good for me. I wonder who will be my mentor. Writing out the truth sure can make you feel better.

Not a lot of times are we free to speak our minds. They say we have freedom. It just doesn't always happen the way we want. When you watch videos about the government, you wonder why they made the movie. At least I do anyway. I enjoy learning about history. When I was younger, I hated math and social studies. When I was in sixth grade I started liking it. I enjoyed learning by then. Things got tougher the better I got at it. I just kept pushing myself.

I am excited about going back to school. I am excited because I miss doing actual work. Being home is boring. I get tired of hearing the house is not clean enough. School has been my escape from home. It's also been the place where I have found I could do anything I wanted. I guess I just needed to get in touch with my conscience.

Listening to my conscience is easy for me. It's just knowing what's right and what's wrong. I know there has been times when I didn't even like school. After a while I would get bored. Not everyone likes school. I used to like taking notes. I remember sitting in my history class literally going through the textbook. I know at this point; I am just going off what I know from high school. College is a whole other ball game. I know it's going to be different. I know I won't be able to take sick days. College will be the test to see if I can make it through the real world. I know it's going to be tough at first.

It will be a routine I can get used to. I have done it before. This time it will be just me. I am going to make sure I can keep myself busy on the train. I know I can think of something. I can spend time reading my Bible. I am going to pack my notebooks. I am going to write as much as I can. I hope I have minutes. I want to be able to text my mom and my friends.

It's going to be a long two days. I know I can handle it. I have done it before. It would be dumb to sit around twirling my thumbs. That would be boring. An heiress is not supposed to be boring. I am sure my imagination will help me. After all, that's where I get my best ideas.