Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 9

When you are channeling that energy, you can discover a lot about yourself. I've had to learn: I have changed many times over the years. I'm keeping myself busy when I'm writing. I'm not trying to listen in on my boss's calls, but I'm around. I don't want her to think I'm being nosy. Of course, it seems that way. Of course, I know one day me paying attention to my surroundings and the people around me, can help me. I know I won't always be a screw up like I would be considered right now. I know what I am, and I keep trying.

When I was back home, I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't getting anywhere. These days' certain things work out better for me. I love the feeling of being able to accomplish something. What I do might not be respected by others, but if I am no feeling lost and afraid, I'm oaky. I feel like I've come too far to stop. There are times when I get inside myself and start thinking about the negative. When I get that way, it gets a little confusing inside my head. I start having internal conflicts. In the end, I find myself being positive again. All it basically is, are my thoughts catching up with me. I'm always thinking, and my thoughts get bigger, and I get to feeling lost. I always find myself coming back though.

I know you didn't expect to learn this much about me, but when I start telling the truth, I just go. I start letting out all the thoughts and reactions I've had for different things. I like being able to feel free once I get to where I have told as much as I want. A lot of times I get ahead of myself and just start telling hidden secrets. I think that's why I like watching Pretty Little Liars and The Vampire Diaries and Bones. You learn so much as you go. At least when I do, the more I watch. It's fun to me.

I just like learning and sharing. It doesn't mean I don't mind being by myself. Things are just a lot more fun when you include others. I feel as if even though there are times when I feel as if I'm losing myself, I am just going with the flow. I've learned you never know what outcome you are going to get. I'm just the type to assume the worst first. When something bad happens to me, I know it will continue. Yet, some days it doesn't go that way. I know now why they say to "hope for the best, and prepare for the worst." I think that's why it's another good reason to have a journal. When you write it down, years later you can look back, and see how you've grown.

There are times where I feel like my best isn't good enough. I know that's how I started pushing myself. I would see how those around me were understanding it, and I would wonder what was wrong with me. Once I started getting help, I would go from there. I would continue my own, until I got to where I was satisfied. The one thing I noticed was once I did that, there was always one person to mention my shortcomings. I understand I did my dirt, and that I may have dropped a few points. It didn't mean it had to do with another person. Something unlikely happened, and I would have to work out a different strategy to fix my mistake.

Back then it was easier to handle my mistakes. Even then I knew excuses weren't going to get me anywhere. I still find myself using those times as examples to rethink about situations. I'm trying to get better at thinking before I do. I mess up, but that doesn't mean someone must throw it all in my face the next time I mess up at something. I know I have pet peeves about tiny things. Yet, I dislike that, and I end up learning late about when a person is like that. I just keep trying until I can pull myself together. I get into little funks, and I fight with myself to get past it.

When I get past it, I try to keep myself from getting in that position again. When I manage to do that, I can see how much I have changed. I may fight with myself back and forth, but in the end, I know I will end up with a better outcome. Life teaches us lessons we may not want to learn. I know it's certainly taught me what not to do, and what I should do. That's one of the reasons I don't give up. I know practice makes perfect, and eventually I will succeed. If I don't give up on myself, I'm alright. I'm the one who must make things happen. Even if I do complain on the way to making it. I'm still going to do it.

I understand that there will always be times where I will put my foot in my mouth. I get that even though, I feel like I work my butt off, that's not enough. There are so much more improvements I can make in myself. I'm not going to die young. I am going to work for the rest of my life. I am going to have to deal with things every day. I know that life is hard, and it's just going to get even harder. Life just throws you curveballs. It sends us into a whirlwind, and having us going through the motions. I know with myself I know, I at times am crazy. I know I can be dumb about certain things. I know a lot about myself. I know more about myself than anyone else.

I know I have the rest of my life to keep learning. I know I haven't lived long enough to feel how people older than me feel. Yet, at times there are things I feel I can relate to. I've done things which may surprise people. Yet, just like any young adult, I am starting to find my way. I have been trying and I know one day things will come together. I am going to keep living and learning. I am always thinking about giving up on myself, but by the next day I find myself back to doing what needs to be done, and pushing on. There is so much I have yet to do.

Since there is so much that I want to do, I don't want to give up on myself. There have been so many times where I have done that. It's one of the biggest things I feel I do wrong. When I do something wrong, all I want to do is find a way to fix it. I don't like having to constantly try and figure out where I went wrong. I go wrong with a ton of things. There isn't someone who can tell me I haven't. Life happens and things change. They can either change for the better or for the worse. Lately, things are happening for the better. It's something I am getting used to. I am learning from everything I do. There is so much I must learn.