Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 5

I love being able to write. I love being able to put my thoughts on paper. I like knowing that somewhere down the line, what I have been through will help others. When I look at the reads for my stories on Wattpad, I have realized my story, "The Things We Don't Tell," has the most reads. With it having been read by 172 people, I feel proud. It's not even a fiction piece. It was a nonfiction piece which was a journal for me at the time I was writing it. I have this habit of titling each journal. I have been fighting with myself about what is wrong with my writing. I know I need a lot of work on my fiction. I just know there isn't anyone who can tell me my truths are not right.

Yes, there were people involved in things I went through. Yet, what I will be writing, or what I have written is my own personal view of what happened. It's coming from my memories and my heart. It's my emotions and my actions that's being portrayed. I know at times I can be hypocritical or seem as if I want attention, yet that's not what it's about. I just love being able to let go of all the crap that's inside of me. I like knowing I can feel better once it's all been said and done. Everyone has their own opinion about what a person does. There are plenty people who have an opinion about what I do and say. The one thing I want everyone to understand is that this is my life. I'm not trying to live for everyone else around me.

I want to be my own person. I'm sorry that I'm not good at speaking up for myself. It's tough when you haven't been an adult for long. I don't want to have to hear back lash for my thoughts. Of course, somebody will always have something to say about whatever a person does. I am not stupid or naïve. I know what I am doing. I know that my choice to want to try and be in a long-distance relationship may seem like the stupidest thing I could do at my age, yet I want to try. I love proving people wrong. I want to be able to know I shouldn't feel regret because I am trying it out. I just want to be free to do and think like I want. I just don't want my family to feel like I'm not listening.

I listen to them more than they may think. I try to remember all the conversations we have. I try to make sure I do what's right by them and myself. I also want to make sure I am staying happy. I love knowing I can have someone who loves me. I don't care about the fact we haven't been romantic or had sex. We communicate all the time. I know that everyone cheats no matter where they are. I just want to see if I can do it. I want to know how far I can get. I'm not setting myself up for failure. I am doing something for me. I'm not trying to hurt anyone else.

I am living my life the way I want. There are 22 years old and already have kids, and some who are also married. I think I am doing well. I know I don't go out like a normal 22-year-old. Yet, what people fail to realize about this generation these days, is that we don't act like those before us. We may have done stupid stuff in high school, but once we get out, we know it's time to be serious and there is no time for all that. We know we must work and can take care of ourselves. I feel that's what I am doing. I like being the person I am because I know I will continue to grow.

My mind never ceases to stop going. I think I am always thinking about something. I have been pushing myself for a very long time. I worry a whole lot. It's just who I am. I still believe in God and I still talk to him throughout the day. I know even if my family doesn't believe in me at some point, my heavenly father will. I have been through enough over the years. I think about now is the time to just let it all out. I know there is so much I want to say. I just want to make sure all my thoughts are in the right order when I do. My life always seems to teach me something. It's just I don't want those who want to break me around me. I really don't need that. I know I don't need it because of the way I get when people tell me things. I start focusing on what they've said, and then I lose track of myself.

I just have a lot to gain in this world. I know everyone will have something to say about anything I do. There are people I know, who do it anyway. I understand I can't feed into what people are telling me all the time. Sometimes it just seems easier to give people what they want from you. It seems easier because then they are happy. Yet, even though they are happy, you are the one who is left, wondering if you did the right thing. I have come to understand not all the decisions we make are based off our own accord. I have chosen to do certain things because of what I've been told. When I've done that, there have been times when I have ended up changing my whole way of going about my day. I had to learn there should be a balance. With doing so, I had to find a way to mix the two to make everyone happy.

Even though I have done that I still worry. I have been going from family member to family member. I wish I could just get myself together. I keep thinking maybe I should get two jobs. I want to do so much more. I want to feel confident. I know the whole reason why I have been going to family is for them to help me, but I just get tired of having to rely on others. I know I must work for what I want. I understand the concept very well. I don't have a problem with it. I just got to get back into thinking straight. I want to be way better. I have spent so much time trying to do better. I want to be a strong person for myself. There are so many different things I want in this world. I am still trying to figure out if I will go back to writing stories again. I'm hoping when I do get back to it, I will be just as excited as I was when I was working on my past stories.

I am very pleased with a lot of my work. Granted even though I published my last two, I know I can do far better. I want to become a hero of my own. I'm hoping I can handle being able to do a whole lot more once I get myself situated. I'm hoping to do a lot of things when that happens. I know God will direct me in the right path. He usually does, even when I mess something up. I just hate wanting to do something, and knowing I must wait. I am very impatient. Even though I am patient, I wait because I know things will work out. I am just very difficult. I have been difficult for my entire life. I doubt it will change. At least I can identify the things wrong with me. I know I'm not always going to be happy with something about myself. Yet, I know I can fix them.

The one thing I've noticed is that I am always finding something wrong with myself. Then when I am with certain family members and they point things out, I start researching to find out what to do. I don't like feeling like there is something wrong. I want to fix the problem before it gets worse. I want to make myself strong and willful. I want to be sure I can really say I have achieved something. I know that's how other people before me have done it. At times, I have felt crazy because I have wanted to fix my faults. There have been people who have told me not to worry about it. They still haven't understood I will always worry. It's just something that's in me. I know I will be able to get past it sooner or later. I must keep working on it. I know I can do it.