Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 9

To know what's on my mind is fine. I learned today in church, God has left the Bible as a field guide. It's supposed to help us. Just by learning and remembering that not all our thoughts does God make, I realized it's about being able to control yourself. Controlling yourself is horrible. You must go through stages. You must maintain all the negative inside of you.

People are going to tell you about the things you can try. You are going to have to find what works for you. Once you find what works for you, you must keep it up. It will become like a routine. It's about being able to keep your sanity. Sanity is the quality or state of being sane; especially: soundness or health of mind. You don't want to go crazy. I go crazy in my house. My mom counteracts it all the time. She points out all the things I do wrong. She tells me I shouldn't blame my siblings. I know it's not all their fault. I just don't want to spend all my time in the kitchen. The kitchen may be one of the important places in the house. It doesn't mean I must end up with OCD trying to make sure it's perfect.

The kitchen I know must stay clean. Now I know why I stay in the house so  much. My chores will never be up to par enough for me to leave. I may think it's done, but it's not. The kitchen might become an around the clock clean. I will just have to keep trying. My problem is as soon as I go crazy, I want to grab scissors or a knife. I would rather damage myself more than kill someone. I think that's why those who are suicidal or Emo go to counseling.

They go because their family makes them. Cutting themselves or ending their lives is their solution. I know this because I have had friends who were. I was also that way. You want your life to change so bad. You keep changing yourself to fit the situation. Sometimes it's better to take yourself out of the situation. the way we think does affect our environment. Our environment does affect our way of thinking. I have noticed being in my house is frustrating. We keep trying to get along. It doesn't always last. Things happen and we all split to our rooms.

Some go outside if one of us is acting cold. Sometimes it's the best way to handle the situation. I don't like my way of living. It drives me bonkers. I don't have many solutions. My plans don't work for me. I know that's why I give up. I may give up, but I keep doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. When it comes to doing what you're supposed to do, you better do it.

Having obedience is very important. My friends kept telling me I was doing everything she asked me to do. My mom sees it as me doing what I want to do. In my opinion, if I was doing what I wanted to, I wouldn't be in this house. I know people who have great lives after going through the struggle of leaving home. I look up to them because they have gotten through it. I don't even know which place to call home. In the movies, they say," home is where your heart is." My heart is nowhere. I don't think I belong anywhere. I know how I feel when I'm with certain people. I enjoy myself and hold on to the moments. When I come home I know I am going to be in trouble.

She chooses to get on me when I come home or early the next morning. I know it seems foolish of me to get frustrated. I just caught up in my own wants. When you get caught up in yourself you become selfish. You start to think about yourself. You don't want to care about everyone else. You become conceited and only want yourself. It doesn't do anything for your soul.

It doesn't make you happy. Eventually, you start to feel alone. You become angry inside. You start to be rude and horrible to others. People will become rude to you back. Soon after you will become miserable. I have learned a lot about healing. It's uplifting to feel great inside. There are moments you don't want to miss because you're angry. When you become over the edge you want to go on a rampage. Going on a rampage doesn't help anything or anyone. It just makes you see more of it.