Sing For Me

Messages in the dark

I sit at the dinner table obviously looking happy as Riley turns to ask me "What are you smiling at Mummy?"

"Nothing really sweet pea, Mummy has just had a good day that's all" he continues to eat his pasta while of course sharing bits with his Thomas the tank engine saying "You must eat it Thomas it's good for you Mummy says" which makes me laugh. Ellie is undecided whether she wants to eat hers or make pretty patterns with it, her wicked grin suggests to me it's the latter.

Bath and story time came with its usual mess and fun and soon they were both fast asleep.

I curl myself up on my bed, I had music on but I'm not concentrating on it, it was just background noise. I kept thinking about Ben, his smile, his laugh, his touch and the sensation of his lips when he kissed me on the hand.

I lie there in the dark day dreaming twiddling the necklace he gave me in between my fingers. I hadn't taken it off to go to bed as I couldn't. I couldn't. I wondered if I deserved it, this sudden happiness that was trying to consume me, I'd spent so long living in some dark place, could this new thing be trusted. Suddenly my phone vibrates on my bedside table, bringing a little light into the room.

1 new message: Ben Langley

And there goes my heart again, I swipe my phone to reveal the message that schoolgirl feeling came over me again was this appropriate for a thirty three year old mother I asked myself?

Hello You x it reads, my attention being drawn to the kiss 

Hello yourself x I reply returning his kiss. Is that kiss for me or is he one of those who puts kisses on the end of all his messages. Do guys do that. Lisa for Christ sake stop it with your overthinking.

Are you ok? Hope you've had a nice evening, How are Riley and Ellie? x he asks

I'm fine, we've had a nice evening thank you and the kids are fine. How about you? Are you ok? x I send back 

I miss you x he replies, catching me off guard, winding me a little. I start typing my reply unable to lie 

I miss you too x 

Now you've made an old man smile x he replies, what is it with him thinking hes old and yet knowing I've made him smile brings a certain reward

Thank you for my necklace Ben, it really is gorgeous, I've not taken it off since I went back to work x

It was my pleasure,  I'm so pleased you like it, and knowing you are still wearing it makes me feel close to you

Jesus my heart is pounding

In that case it's never coming off x I send back. How is this so easy, after so long keeping myself locked away he is taking the key and letting himself in.

My God you're adorable x he replies almost instantly 

We started chatting about the rest of our day he told me about his class at the college

You are making me blush again Mr Langley x

I send

Am I now Miss Jones? x 

he sends with a winky face emoji, he's a tease. 

I think you know you are x 

I text back to which he sends another wink closely followed by

I need to see you again x 

Are you working this weekend? x he asks to which I tell him no

Well how about we meet up then x he suggests but I can't 

I'd love to Ben but I don't have a babysitter I'm afriad x

We had only been here a month and I was still unsure about leaving the children with just anyone 

I meant you and the kids Lis? x

If you don't mind? x

I delay in replying. I didn't mind I'm suddenly just a little apprehensive. This isn't just coffee is it?

No I don't mind I just wasn't expecting you to ask I guess x

He is breaking through all my defences, do I just go with this, I feel so relaxed with him, there is something about him that made me feel safe, secure, was Eileen right, was it ok.

I understand that it is a big thing for you to allow me to meet them Lis but I wouldn't ask if I wasn't serious about you and I am. I know we've only just met, but you have to know I've never met anyone like you, you have blown me away. I would never do anything to hurt you or the children, I know you must be apprehensive but I just ask you to trust me sweetheart xx

Sweetheart! 

How can I say no to that, that's just it I do know how serious he is, he wouldn't lie I feel that.

OK then that would be lovely Ben it really would xx

How about a trip to the park there's a playground just around the corner from the tube station where we met if that's OK with you that is?:) xx

I'm not sure who will be more excited me or the kids

It's a date :) xx

I send back smiling as I do, a warm glow is seeping through my veins

Fantastic, I can't wait :) xx

How does he think I feel my face is burning just from reading a few words on a screen I am bowled over by the sweetness that he certainly isn't afraid of showing , is he for real?

It's a long time till tomorrow, send me a picture of your pretty face for me to look at before I go to sleep x 

I suddenly get self concious those horrible old guards bringing themselves up blocking me off from everything as they do so well. Again I must take a while to reply

Have I said something wrong sweetheart? xx

he asks and I feel silly all of a sudden and bad for him

No you didn't honestly its just me, not great at the old selfie thing especially with this ugly mug x

I text back, I feel so stupid right now

It's just a picture Lis that's all I'm sorry if I upset you I just thought we could have a bit of fun that's all forgive me xx

he says making my heart a little sore so I try taking a picture, need to get a good angle, hell why is this so complicated. My phone vibrates as I'm grappling with it

I bet you look better than this!!!!!!!! he's sent me a photo

I smile inside as I open it its a picture of him pulling a funny face but he looks so cute, he's wearing pyjamas navy blue check with a white t shirt. The t shirt is fitting and clings to the muscles of his upper arms..........wow!

Well I guess it's my turn. Oh to hell with it and I send him one in return

Not sure on that one!!!!!!!

then he texts straight away

You are gorgeous :) xx he says 

So are you  xx

I tell him. I turn to the clock and it had gone midnight we had been texting back and forth for hours. I tell him I have to go 

Goodnight sweetheart sweet dreams x

Goodnight Ben, you too x