Sing For Me

Breakfast and Love notes

I roll over to find Ben and he's not there where is he? I look at the clock ten thirty oh my god!!!!

"Ben, Ben" I call and he comes running into the bedroom

"Hello sleepy head" he says 

"Why didn't you wake me?" I snap. 

"Sweetheart you were shattered when you got home last night" he says tucking my hair behind my ear "I thought I'd let you have a lie in" I feel guilty.

"Sorry I didn't mean to bite your head off sweetie" he comes and puts his arms around me 

"Are you feeling better today" thinking about it I do a bit my tummy is still shaky but I think I'm just hungry. 

"Is there any breakfast going?" I ask him cheekily giving him my best puppy dog eyes. 

"Coming up sweetheart" he kisses me on the forehead 

"Where are the kids?" they are glued to the television watching The Snowman so Ben tells me.

I go to jump out of bed and I get a sudden rush of nausea that takes my breath away, I put it down to the fact that I'm just hungry yesterday all I had was a banana before work and the soup that Ben had made me last night we were so busy in the store and I just didn't fancy those mince pies, Eileen tried to get me to eat but I couldn't, I darned tell Ben he'll go mad I promised him I'd look after myself especially while we are trying for a baby. He's become even more protective all of a sudden. He promised me he'd look after me and when I do get pregnant that he'll be there for me one hundred percent after I told him how Matt was when I was having Ellie. It was awful he did nothing, didn't care he even let me go to hospital to have her on my own to busy pouring drink down his neck off with some other woman too probably, giving birth is frightening enough but doing it on my own. I couldn't tell anyone because I was ashamed of him. I knew it wouldn't be like that with Ben but it didn't stop me being nervous maybe that's why I'm not feeling well either just general worry about things.

I check the calender on my phone with one thing and another I wasn't actually sure where I was cycle wise my periods were never what you'd call regular I was told I had cysts on my ovaries about six years ago but that they weren't serious they did muck my cycle up a bit now and again though. Since I'd had Ellie it was better but I could still go five weeks sometimes with nothing. I check my dates I know I'm due one I just couldn't remember when and its been seven weeks since my last period with all the commotion with Ben moving in I'd lost count I suppose.........seven weeks. I push it to the back of my mind, If I dwell on it I wont have a period if one is there waiting but seven weeks I'd never gone that long before.

Ben walks back in the bedroom with a tray and some breakfast for me love him, "Here we go sweetheart" he says placing the tray over my legs "I've done you scrambled egg just in case your tummy is still a bit sensitive" bless him 

"Thank you sweetie" I lean forward and give him a kiss and as I do I get that sick feeling in my stomach again barely able to hold it this time I put my hand over my mouth 

"Sweetheart are you OK" Ben asks looking worried 

"I'm still feeling a bit sickly, it's probably hunger that's all" I tell him trying to reassure him but my head is buzzing now doing overtime.

"Try and eat" Ben says "You will feel better" he heads off as the children start calling him "I'll be back" he says. I try and eat and after a few mouthfuls feel a little better I feel my tummy settle again. I look at the tray and Ben has put a little note under my mug of tea. I unfold it and inside it reads:

I Love You

and he's drawn little hearts around it and kisses. I smile at it and hold it to my chest suddenly I want to cry, tears now too I get a tang of worry in my chest. I start to piece together everything that I'm feeling and I think I can't be we'd only just decided to start trying for goodness sake. Then it dawns on me, that night on the sofa before Riley's birthday party we didn't........oh god,I'd had a tummy bug a few days before after the kids had one from nursery, my pill might not have worked and that night we didn't take the time to undress never mind............oh lord am I..........pregnant!!

Ben comes back in "Now it's Mickey's Twice upon a Christmas" he says knowing the children would be happy for a little longer now he'd refuelled them with juice and chocolate cookies too. He could see the tears in my eyes "Hey you really are not right are you sweetheart? Shall I call a doctor?" he reaches for his phone 

"No, no don't" I shout out I'm going to have to tell him, I still don't feel well and I cant hide it from him I reach out for him to come and sit on the bed with me "Ben I......" I hesitate 

"What is it?" he asks 

"Ben you know I said my period was due well it's late I hadn't realized with one thing and another" I say he is slightly taken back 

"Well.....well how late sweetheart" he asks 

"three weeks" I tell him "and it's just dawned on me how poorly I'm feeling, I feel really sick Sweetie and my breasts hurt and I'm just so tired" I can see him putting the pieces together in his head and he takes my hands and looks at me 

"My darling are you pregnant?" I start getting teary again I cant stop it 

"I think I might be" I tell him "you remember that tummy bug we all had about a while back" I say and he nods "I think it may have affected my pill and then the night before Riley's party we didn't" I say and he looks at me "but I'm sorry Ben I just I didn't think" I say 

"Sweetheart it's OK because neither did I" he says so gently "Lissy you could be carrying our child" he says his eyes now filling up too 

"I don't know I..." I'm stuttering and he just smiles beams even, he takes me in his arms I'm a blubbering wreck

 "Ssh its OK sweetheart, it's OK" he squeezes me without being too rough. I feel his excitement but I can tell he's trying not to get his hopes up till we know.

"We need to do a test" I tell him I had brought some earlier in the week just in case, to have in the house I just didn't think I'd need one so soon. 

"When you're ready sweetheart, just calm yourself a minute your heart his going like the clappers" he says holding his hand to me chest. I try taking deep breathes I get glimpses back to the last time I needed to do a test things were so different some of those fears come back making me shudder. Ben obviously senses it as he just pulls me in even closer.

I have a drink and go to get out of bed feeling shaky and sick, Ben steadies me "Do you want me to come with you?" he asks 

"You check on the kids, I'll call you when I've done it" I tell him He smiles at me runs his hand down the small of my back. I set the test up and do what I'm meant to then it's just the wait. I call Ben in and we sit on the edge of the bath to wait, he puts his arm around me and keeps looking at his watch. 

"It should be ready now" I say 

"Go take a look then" he tells me. I get up and walk to the sink but I cant do it, I cant pick it up. I look at Ben 

"I can't" I say he walks over to me and he picks up the test, he wraps his arms around me from behind and places it in my hand still upside down so we can't see it then takes my hands around it and turns it over we both look at it the little digital window on it confirming what I think we both already knew

Pregnant

I cant speak, Ben smiles into my ear and whispers "Oh sweetheart" a tear rolls down my cheek Ben wipes it away as he turns me round I smile at him then cry again!! I wrap my arms around him he laughs then lifts me up and spins me around. He is so so happy, so am I but there's still that fear, a fear only Ben can take away. "Are you OK sweetheart" he asks me 

"Yeah I, I think so I, I don't know" I blubber into his t shirt before he pulls me to look at him "We're having a baby my darling" he says..................We're having a baby.