Sing For Me

You won't tell will you

Ben's point of view

It's early I don't know what time it is, I look at the clock nearly five in the morning. Lisa is fast asleep, yesterday hadn't been a great day, it had been hard, not how I wanted the first day at home for my girls to be, I'd planned to make it special for them but it just didn't end up that way. Lisa and I had never had a fight like that before not ever it had shaken us both but I could see in my head why it had to happen, she did it for me a side of her I'd never seen, she was feisty, sharp tongued but i'd asked for it, she felt guilty about slapping me she said but I asked for that too the way I spoke to her, I didn't know what had come over me. It said something for the security we felt in our marriage that we knew we could push each other that much knowing that the other wouldn't run off and leave. This had been something that Lisa had always feared in the passed, if she stood up to Matt then he would leave and as he had knocked all the confidence out of her she felt she couldn't manage on her own, but in time she knew this wasn't the case. The same with me and Wendy I never liked the confrontation she always had a way of bringing me down, so I like my darling girl went along with it for fear of life the other side of the row.

But when we fought yesterday, that fear wasn't there, we knew that despite everything that we would always be there for one another that we could get through anything, we couldn't possibly go through life without having arguments that just wasn't healthy, and to see Lisa take such control scared me and yet pleased me at the same time. She had it in her deep down that strength that determination, I had seen it bubble away under the surface a few times but had never witnessed if full on, I'm not sure anyone ever really had, there was no one else she would let it out to. It had been a year now almost since we'd first met the most amazing roller coaster of a year we could have had, when I look back to that first moment I saw her such a shy, fragile girl, barely able to string two words together for me, hiding herself away from the world under a cloak of darkness allowing no one to look in. Her work meant she had to interact with the people she met but they never saw the real her that was saved for me and even my access was limited at first, when?, when did I see the real Lisa?, that night she told me about her and Matt, those evenings spent on the sofa, no probably not, it was that afternoon we spent together at my old house the day she asked me to make love to her, giving herself to me in every way she could, and it was at that moment when I took her that I could see in her eyes the real Lisa, my darling darling Lisa.

I spot a little movement from Frejas Moses basket a little foot in sight someones awake, but shes not crying, she only had a feed two hours ago, so whats woken her. I get out of bed quietly so as not to wake Mummy. I peer at her in her basket and shes just looking up at me. "Hello angel" I whisper to her "Cant you sleep" I gently pick her up placing her against my chest under my chin, I love how she nuzzles into me bless her heart quite comfy in my arms as Lisa said how could I have doubted yesterday that I couldn't do this. Lisa had made me see things so much clearer than I had before that my mother was just that, she knew better than anyone what it was like to be let down by her mother but it didn't stop her from being a good mother herself and she was, to Riley and Ellie I had seen that from day one everything she did was for them. I watched the love the care with which she carried Freja going against everything that life threw at her in just those few short months. All she went through to bring her into the world, the birth had been tough on her and she was suffering for it still although she tries to hide it.

I wrap Freja up in her blanket and take her downstairs "Come on darling, come with Daddy" I say to her as we head down, its cold so I pop on my dressing gown over my "Grandad" pyjamas as Lisa calls them but they're not, I don't think, they are bottoms and a t shirt honest don't believe what she tells you. Freja is lovely and warm I can feel her but I wrap her inside my dressing gown just to be sure. We go and sit in the conservatory just as the sun is beginning to rise "Look Freja, a new day for you darling your third day in the world" I tell her "The days go by very quick, you'll realize that when you get as old as Daddy" I say and she just looks at me as if to say what you on about Dad. "Life is a funny thing darling but Daddy is going to try and make it as happy as he can for you I promise" she keeps looking as I look right back at her feeling I can tell her anything. "You are a very lucky girl you know, you've got a lovely family who will look after you, a big brother and sister that love you so much and your Mummy, well let me tell you about your Mummy" I start "She is the loveliest Mummy in the whole world, she's Daddy's princess and like in the fairy tales she will read you when you are older I fell in love with her from the first moment I saw her, she was so pretty, but she was very shy and Daddy had to take care of her, then we found out that you were coming and that made Daddy so very happy, you are so precious my little Freja just like Riley and Ellie you are all precious to me and Mummy and we would never hurt you or make you sad" I keep talking like she's going to answer me "Because you see darling, sometimes there are Mummy's and Daddy's who don't look after their children, Mummy's Mum she was very mean to her and Daddy's............" I feel a tear roll down my cheek "................Daddy's Mum she was mean too and Daddy didn't know why he really didn't" I don't know why I'm doing this but I cant stop "Daddy loved your Grandma Freja" I give her a name to her "But she didn't love me, not enough any way, but I want you to know that Daddy will always love you and I'll never hurt you sweetheart I promise" I'm crying as I say this to her and I bring her up to my face to look at her close and she lifts her tiny little hand so it touches my cheek as if to say it's OK Daddy which makes me cry more. I sniff back the tears "Your Daddy is an old softy, ask Mummy, You wont tell will you" I say to her smiling. I look out of the window wiping my tears away "Look the sun has come up Freja a new day a fresh start......................................................."