Sing For Me

I don't have a Daddy

Riley was like a whirlwind this week, all the signs of Christmas approaching were everywhere to be seen and My little boy would be turning four this coming Saturday. He'd had given me strict instruction as to the birthday that he wanted. Lightning Mqueen was to play a big part and was expected to be found sitting on the top of his birthday cake. 

We had decided to have a little party for him and invited some of his friends from nursery to come along. My Dad would be coming from Wales to see him, which would give me the chance to introduce him to Ben. I had spoken on the phone to him about Ben sent him pictures but they were yet to meet.

I had invited my mum, not really sure why as it was always a recipe for disaster. I had been here before, got my hopes up about her turning up and sharing things only for her to ruin it.  We had fallen out during another one of her drunken rants and I had told her to stay away, this was a regular thing with her, she had been drinking since her and my dad split up. To top it off she ran away with my now step dad another who I didn't get along with as it was him who introduced her to the poison that had taken my real mum away.

Ben was as equally excited about the party as Riley, planing decorations and games to entertain the children, it was lovely to see. Riley and Ellie had taken to calling him Uncle Ben at his request, an even closer step to accepting him as a permanent fixture in their lives. Ben had spent pretty much every night with us lately and I missed him when he couldn't like it hurt. I was being carried along in this air of happiness and despite the faint calls of doubt that would pop up occasionally like a devil on my shoulder I was doing my best to embrace it. 

We had decided that we were going to spend Christmas together as a family, For New year we would travel up to Yorkshire to stay with Ben's Dad who was coming from the South of France where he lived to see his mother, Ben's Gran. I had spoken to Ben's Dad, William on the phone already but he was  now insistent on meeting the girl, who as he put it "had stolen his lad's heart" he also wanted to meet Riley and Ellie the closest thing he had to grandchildren he said as Ben was an only child.

His Gran was lovely too, she reminded me of my Nana. She was easy to talk to, no airs or graces and clearly thought the world of Ben. Riley called her Gran as she had told him to, she would ring and have conversations just the two of them, I would smile listening to them chatting Riley like a little old man with her.

Everything was in place for the party and the birthday boy was bouncier than I had ever seen him, with just a month until Christmas too I feared Riley would explode from the excitement of it all. The children's birthdays were a wonderful yet worrying time. There was always that fear that Matt would try to reach them somehow, we had got divorced through solicitors without any contact but Matt's Parents and his siblings knew where we were thought to have headed and were surely still in contact with him. I prayed I would never have to worry about it but it was all very messy the amount of history, what he did, the pay off. It left a bitter taste on the tongue.

I tell Ben of my fear of this and although I see that it bothers him he reassures me "Sweetheart I will not let him come anywhere near you or the children, he gave up any rights he had as a father to them the day he raped you and abandoned them" everything he said was true and he hadn't made any contact with them this last year why would he now?

Ben and I lay on the sofa with a glass of wine each savouring the peace as we knew tomorrow would be fun but pure crazy. Ben turns to me. "Lisa I want to say something about the kids if I may?"

"Yeah sure " I tell him a little unsure.

"I know I'm not their father but the time I've spent with them these last three months I've grown to love them like they are my own, I want to, if you'll let me, be the father figure that they both need and bring them up alongside you" my heart spills over, to hear him ask this.