Sing For Me

Remember how blessed we are

I lie on our bed watching my little girl having a her usual roll around, I'm feeling better today the pain not as bad, I'm aching anyway but I think that's madame starting to put pressure on everything. I'd managed to sleep better last night than I had done, the dreams had been keeping me awake I could hear the screams in my head, smell the burning and the blood, and Elsie I saw her every time I closed my eyes, the guilt had hit me that she died because of me, because of her kindness she lost her life, I didn't know how I could get rid of this.

Ben was so desperately worried about me I'd agreed to see a counsellor at the hospital because he felt I wasn't coping with it all that I had tried to carry on like nothing had happened and was worried it would affect me and the baby. I knew in my mind that I couldn't change any of it couldn't turn back the clock, something or someone chose me to survive that day, I had a purpose a reason to carry on and I know that my baby, Riley, Ellie and my darling Ben were my reason to stay alive. I was so lucky was I being shown after everything that had ever happened to me that I did matter that I was worth something, worth saving, was I all those things that Ben had told me  I was that he had brought out in me.

I hadn't been able to cry since I came back from the hospital that day I don't know why, I had blubbered like a baby over the slightest thing all my life, but this was different, what the hell was it. I hear Ben coming up the stairs he'd taken the day off so he could take me to see the counsellor "Sweetheart are you ready to go" he asks coming to sit next to me on the bed. I nod at him

"Yeah I'm ready, I want to go on the tube" I tell him, I see the fear and horror in his eyes

"No you are not going on the tube darling, just no" he says with that insisting tone.

"Ben if I don't get back on those trains I never will and that means those nutters they have won" I say to him being just as insisting.

"Lis for once can you please do as I ask" he says his eyes changed more pleading and loving

"No Ben I need to do this, but I can only do it if you are there with me" I tell him he just gives a deep sigh

"Oh darling" he knows he cant change my mind "You are hard work you know that" he says to me with a small smile

"Sweetie the tube, that train on that line was where we met, the place the spot that changed my life, a place that brings back such warm memories of when we first got together, I'm not letting that be taken from me, I have to get back on that train" he sees what I mean so goes along with me.

"OK my darling, if that's what you really want" he says

"It is but I need you" I tell him

"Then i'm here" he says taking my hand and kissing it.

We head towards the station everything back to normal like it hadn't happened. We get to the entrance and I freeze "Darling if you don't want to do this we don't have to" Ben says to me but I do have to that's just it

"No I'm fine" I tell him the tears that have formed in my eyes burn. Ben wraps his arm around me and we head down to the trains. Its quiet people obviously put off by what happened and we get on the train managing to get a seat. Its surreal like I'm sitting here waiting for something to happen. Ben can sense my uneasiness and puts his arm around me holding my hand. I feel his lips at my temple which soothes me. We stop at several stations but at the second to last the doors open to let people on when I hear this almighty bang sending me into panic "What the hell was that" I start shouting jumping out of my seat

"Lis darling it OK it's workmen outside on the platform" Ben says trying to calm me. My heart racing my breathing heavy. He gets on the floor in front of me on his knees
"Darling look at me, its OK my love Its OK" he says and I calm a little. By the time I settle we have reached our stop and we get off, he keeps me in his arms all the way up the escalator. I can smell his aftershave a welcome reminder of those first precious meetings we had shared.

We get to the hospital and are sent in to see the counsellor Ben waits outside knowing this is something I need to do for myself but he takes my hand as I walk in "I'll be right here sweetheart OK" he says I just want him to stop me going and just keep me in his clutches not let me go. I sit down and the woman introduces herself telling me her name is Cara trying to get to know me. She gets me to open up about it all relive it all so I do she asks why I haven't been able to let it all out yet and I tell her of my guilt that I feel that it should have been me that died. But she turns it on its head "Lisa are you feeling guilty because deep down you didn't want to die, you so wanted to live, for your children and for you husband" I cant answer her "I think you feel bad because it wasn't you and you didn't want it to be" something inside me stirs "When you accept this you will be able to let it out" she tells me By the end of our session I'm worn out and just want to go home I had a headache and yet through all of our conversation I hadn't shed a tear.

We get back to the house having told Ben on the way back everything that she had said to me and he could see where she was coming from although he didn't say it I could just see it in his eyes. Ben wanted to start on decorating the nursery for the baby something to take our minds off it all. "I think i'll just have a lie down first if that's OK sweetie" I tell him

"Of course darling take as long as you need" he says "I'll make a start" heading off to change and get what he needs together. I lie on the bed the sun shining through the skylight onto my face letting me feel its heat. I must drift off as the next thing I can hear the screaming and the noise again it all coming back then it goes quiet and I hear Elsie "Go and be happy pet" she says like she did just before she died. I wake startling myself, I feel hot so run downstairs Ben has his music on the nursery and don't think hes heard me.

Ben's point of view

I hear footsteps run down the stairs I walk down to our bedroom and Lisa has gone I look out of the window and shes sat on the bench at the bottom of the garden, her mind busy I can see, her face looks pained and she looks like shes about to cry, has it hit her, what the counsellor said, has she realized that its not her fault Elsie died and that she was meant to survive. It breaks my heart to see her like this but I have to let her come to it on her own I can't bring this out of her, she will come to me when shes ready

Lisa's point of view

She's right, I didn't want to die, and I couldn't bring back Elsie, that was her time, she made me see exactly what it was I needed to see that my family, my beautiful family was my reason to wake up every day that no matter what life threw at us we were strong enough to face it if we had each other. I suddenly feel overwhelmed by it all like there's a weight on my chest pressing against my heart that I need to let go. I go to find Ben.

I walk into the nursery and hes made a good start "Hey where did you get to I thought you were going for a lie down" he asks

"I needed some fresh air" I tell him

"I was hoping you could hold my bucket for me" he says his kindness, his gentle heart, his smile break me I can't do it anymore and I just collapse in a flood of tears and Ben catches me "It's OK my darling just let it go, just let it go my brave girl" I cry harder and louder than I think I ever have Ben keeps me in his grasp just rocking me back and forth whispering in my ear "I'm here Lis I'm here" the pain the pressure in my chest almost takes my breath away

"Oh Ben I didn't want to leave you" I tell him

"I know sweetheart and you haven't, you're still here an angel, a god I don't know what kept you safe and brought you back to me" he says making me cry more, "What did you say to me when my mother turned up, you cant break the unbreakable, we my precious girl are unbreakable we have proved it so many times and will in the future. I promise you we are going to grow old together my darling and will look back on this in years to come remembering how blessed we are" his words are like cool water soothing the burning pain in my heart. He holds me close as he has done so many times before my protection my comfort and my strength.