Sing For Me

Songs and Softies

Bens Point of view

"Is she asleep now lovey" Gran asks as I come and sit at the kitchen table. 

"Yeah, she finally drifted off" she'd been sick several times since we got back from the hospital but the tablets were starting to kick in a little giving her a rest. She'd been afraid to go to sleep scared something would happen, I'd done my best to try and relax her and in the end she gave in to what her body was telling her. She was completely shattered, it had been one hell of an afternoon such a stark contrast to last night and our morning together at the hotel, like that was all wiped out almost. I cant forget the look of fear in her eyes and that feeling of uselessness I felt when she gripped my hand and told me how scared she was. Was this how I was going to feel every time she was ill or when she went into labour am I going to be that soft that pathetic.

"What's bothering you love?" Gran asks 

"It's hard to explain Gran" I tell her, 

"Try your a bright lad I'm sure you can string a few words together" that was her way of saying get it out or I'm coming after you with the tea towel. I tell her how scared I felt, the trip to the hospital, the whole damn thing and start blubbering like a baby. 

"I just felt so helpless Gran" I sob at her 

"Look lovey, today was horrible, it was frightening, you didn't know what was going to happen" she comes and grabs my face in her hand wiping my tears with the tea towel no less "You are not soft OK, you are a kind and loving lad, that's why you're upset because you love Lisa and that babby" she lifts my chin as I've turned my gaze to the floor "You did everything you had to lovey, all Lisa needed was for you to be there, the same as she'll need the day that little un is born" but there was part of me that felt I needed to do something and I told Gran this 

"The day your dad was born your Grandad paced up and down a corridor smoking a cigarette" she laughs causing me to do the same. 

"I promised her it wouldn't be like it was with him" I tell her 

"And it wont be lovey, because you are nothing like him, you want to be there for her, you want to see her through it" and I did I wished I could make it easier for her. Gran told me that Lisa had mentioned that she was worried about having the baby after what happened with Ellie. "You just need to be strong for her lad, hold her hand, tell her she's doing OK, that's all and with that she can do the rest" I felt guilty for being an idiot "You're a first time Daddy it's natural lovey" she tells me I need to talk to Lisa and tell her how I'm feeling "She wouldn't thank you for keeping it from her love" I know she's right but can't think of putting any more pressure on her.

"Oh Lisa lovey we thought you were asleep" says Gran as I turn round to find Lisa in the door way 

"Sweetheart you should be resting" she's all wrapped up in her dressing gown, still looking pale 

"I got lonely upstairs, where are the kids" she asks 

"Dad's taken them into town for their supper" she comes and sits on my lap and cuddles up to me the feel of her close to me is still enough to make me go weak at the knees, how did I get this lucky. 

"Could you manage something to eat sweetheart?" I ask her 

"I am hungry, I'm just afraid if eat I'll throw up again" she says 

"Oh We'll worry about that when it happens cherub" Gran says to her making her giggle 

"Perhaps some toast then" she agrees to 

"What would you like on it lovey" she thinks about it 

"Peanut butter please Gran" she says "and jam" glory be I think 

"Better get the bucket ready Gran" I joke Gran laughs and motions for me to take her in the living room "Come on you let's get you comfy" I grab her blanket and tuck her up sitting next to her pulling her feet up on my lap. I pluck up the courage to talk about today telling her how I felt she knew something was eating me but I could see she understood. 

"Sweetie you can't protect me from everything" she says but I so wanted to "I have to go through this, and I know I got scared too" she takes my hand "but all of this is more than worth it" she squeezes my hand "I want this baby so much Ben, your baby" oh my darling "she lifts my hand "this is all I need from you, you just being here, you have no idea how much strength that gives me, the strength that can get me through anything" 

"Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry, sorry for being so s......." she stops me. 

"Don't you dare be sorry for being soft, that's one of the reasons why I love you my old softy" she giggles leaning up to kiss me planting several kisses on me between her cute giggles.

"Here we go lovey" says Gran bringing in her toast she eats it like it's the best thing she's ever tasted I will have to get used to it. 

"I'm surprised you haven't got gherkins or pickles or something on the top of that" I joke she looks at me serious 

"Oh do you think Gran's got some" turning her face round and cracking that gorgeous smile "ha ha got ya" she jokes. I head into the kitchen to make her some tea handing her her iPod as I walk out. I'd downloaded a few songs for her while she was asleep. 

"Thank you sweetie" she says. I stand behind the door as I watch her listen knowing the first song I'd picked for her. I see her smile almost a tear in her eye

"You're having my baby what a lovely way to say how much you love me"

I feel Gran coming up behind me "Everything OK lovey?" she asks 

"Perfect Gran" I say "Just perfect" and it was.