Sing For Me

Time to turn the Page

Ben's point of view

I sneak downstairs our little lady still fast asleep and her Mummy happily joining her in the land of nod, I yawn as I pop the kettle on to boil still not quite used to this lack of sleep lark, Freja was very good really she would sleep for four hours between feeds sometimes five with Lisa then waking up panicking as to why she slept for so long. I wanted to do my bit Lisa would tell me to sleep but I wouldn't coming down to make Lisa a drink while she fed her then winding little miss and changing her before getting her back to sleep so Lisa could rest, I loved it as tiring as it was these were memories to treasure and keep. Gran said to me that we should make the most of these first few weeks as the time would fly by. We were shut away in our own little bubble really hadn't really ventured out that many times Lisa still not quite confident enough to go too far, mainly in case she had to feed Freja while we were out, in Gino's was fine she was happy there but that sudden rush of confidence not reaching that far just yet she had saved that for me. She had started to feel better though, looking like herself again, troubled now though by her weight thinking she was fat I couldn't see it myself but then I never did feeding Freja meant she was losing her baby weight pretty rapidly not that there was much there to lose, how many times would she ask me "Does my bum look big in this sweetie" a question I would have to think very carefully about answering as the response of "no darling it just looks damn sexy" wasn't always a good one depending on how our hormones were behaving at that moment in time. My thoughts are wandering not wanting to think about the job in hand Lisa and I had talked about a funeral for my mother I had to do something for her to help close it to say goodbye part of me felt like a hypocrite after the way id treated her but never the less I had to finish it turn the page.

"You OK son feed time again is it" Dad asks coming down 

"No the girls are asleep just come down for a drink would you like one?" I ask him

 "Yeah please tea for me" its always tea for him bless him 

"So have you decided what you want to do yet did you speak to Lisa" he asks me I can see he's uncomfortable talking about it 

"I wanted to speak to you Dad see what you thought" he looks at me and goes to sit down 

"Look lad no matter what I may have thought about her she needs to be laid to rest that's down to us" he comes closer putting his hand to my face "Forgetting all the hurt and all the pain she gave me something I thank God every day for, she gave me you lad" he starts to cry "You were the only thing with any meaning in my life at that point until Lisa came along with those kiddies and now little Freja too" 

"Oh Dad I don't want any of this to hurt you you've been hurt enough" I tell him 

"So have you Ben and if you can put your feelings aside to say goodbye then so can I and your Gran" he tells me.

 I sit there in silence for a few seconds "Did she ever love me Dad" I ask him 

"I don't know Son I'd like to tell you yes but I wouldn't want to lie to you" he says 

"So why did she come and find me" I ask him 

"Because she was dying, people can get funny about meeting their maker especially if they've done wrong in their lives maybe she just wanted you forgiveness before she went" I start to cry did she really not love me at all "Hey come on lad you don't need her love you've got the love of that girl upstairs which amounts to more than anyone has ever given you, let her love you let her fill the gap" he tells me 

"Ben lovey what's all this" asks Gran as she comes downstairs 

"Nothing Gran I'm fine" I say to her wiping my face