In The Darkest of Times (CaptainSwan)

A Conscience

Emma's Pov
"Hey Archie," I say as I enter the room, "Thanks for meeting with me on short notice."

"No problem. Come on in and sit down."

I sit down on one of the burgundy couches. He closes the door and sit down on a chair across from me.

"So Emma what can I help you with? What's been bothering you lately?"

"Well, recently I have been having these nightmares, but they are more than just nightmares. They are memories of when I have felt a pain so deep and so hurtful. Memories where I have lost some of the people I really love, that there seems to be no solution, but to give up. I became hopeless in those moments and now they are coming back to haunt me," I hold back my tears, taking deep breaths, staring at the floor, "And in these dreams it's like any other nightmare, you can't escape. You're stuck and in my case I can't escape until the memory is over, until the pain is at its worst," I finally make eye contact with Archie, "And the nightmares are getting worse each night. They get more painful and longer in some cases, causing the pain to last longer and to leave a deeper ache when I wake up."

"Does Killian know?"

I nod.

"He was the one who made me come here in the first place. I didn't want to come in the beginning for just some night terrors, but I have a feeling that there is something more to them. Like they are trying to make me feel weak, so that in the future I will be so worried that these feelings and pain will come back that I will be defenseless against my enemies."

He looks at me with his eyebrows pulled together, not in confusion, but in intrigue.

"Emma is there anything that could have... I guess caused these nightmares to occur? Like experiences that you have had in the past have occurred again lately that could have brought back some of the worries of the past."

"I'm pregnant, Archie."

At first his face conveys surprise and then it grows into a huge smile.

"Emma. Congratulations! I am so happy for you. That is amazing. How do you feel? How far along are you?"

I am happy to get off the topic of the nightmares, even if it is just for a moment.

"A little over six weeks. Seven weeks on Tuesday. I am feeling great, besides the morning sickness and the occasional hormones. Killian and I are really excited, maybe almost as excited as my mother," I laugh and he laughs along, "Henry is excited to have a sibling. I guess the happiness still hasn't worn off yet. I am sure it will wear off once I get closer to my due date and the hormones and such go off like crazy."

We both laugh again.

"Do you think having a baby brought back any of the fears back from being pregnant with Henry all those years ago?" The conversation quickly turns serious again.

"Maybe."

"I know being in prison and having a child couldn't have been easy and with the situation with Neal it might have increased those feelings. Those feelings could have possibly carried over to your pregnancy now."

"But this pregnancy is different. I am not alone. I shouldn't be feeling lonely because I know I am not alone. I have Killian, my parents, a son, good friends. Those feelings aren't coming back. That was a long time ago, those feelings have disappeared. They are gone."

I don't want to accept that all those feelings that have been missing from my life for multiple years are coming back to haunt me.

"Maybe they were. Gone. But you were feeling these feelings at a maximum when you were pregnant with Henry and maybe these feelings were not resolved the way they should have been. When I met you Emma, you ignored all the feelings that came your way. You pushed them away until the disappeared, but maybe they didn't disappear. Maybe they were pushed into your subconscious. And being pregnant is now causing them to come back. Now I know you have dealt with your feelings a lot better than you have in the past, but maybe you need time to deal with these feelings and solve them the right way this time."

"How do I solve these feelings the right way?" I say getting angry.

"By not pushing them away. Accept them, live with them, until the pain is bearable. Solve it like you do now, with Killian by your side. Let me give you an example. When you first came to Storybrooke and broke the curse you pushed your parents away . You pushed the feelings of hurt and betrayal away. You just ignored your problems, but now you accept them. You accept that everyone makes mistakes, including your parents, and you lived with the hurt that came with it until it went away. And it may have not gone away completely, but it was dulled enough that it is bearable."

I feel guilty, he doesn't know, only Killian does. I haven't gotten that far with my parents. Maybe I haven't gotten that far with any of the feelings that I try to push away.

Maybe I am just as big of a mess as I was when I first got here to Storybrooke, just maybe it is less visible in some ways now. I seem like I have a perfect, yet crazy life, but the truth is, I am just a broken shard of glass that has been put back together one to many times.

I look down at the ground, helplessly.

"Emma," Archie says noticing my silence. I look up,  "I know all this talking and advice isn't helping much, because you are a woman of action. You like taking action instead of sitting around waiting for things to be fixed, so I am going to suggest that you take a vacation, with Killian, get away for a while. You never did get to take that honeymoon after your wedding, with the black fairy and everything. So why not take a vacation before you have a baby and things get crazy. It might help soothe your mind."

"I like that idea. I will talk to Killian," I stand up. I think I have had enough of therapy for one day. I will just be glad to get out of here, "Thanks Archie."

He stands up and goes to open the door for me.

"It is my pleasure. And Emma," he says as I walk out the door, "please tell me if you need any more help."

"Of course. Again thank you so much," I say trying to be polite.

I walk down the hall of his office and down the stairs, feeling more helpless than when I came in.