Toni's POV
Ever since I started dating Cheryl, I've had major problems with my body.
I mean technically it started before dating Cheryl- but it got worse once people started saying I wasn't good enough for her
When it started I was just limiting foods and trying different diets.
Now I throw everything I eat up.
"Hey baby, I'm just going to the washroom," I say
"Hurry up Tones, we're supposed to go to the docks,"
"Okay,"
I go to the bathroom and throw everything in my system up.
Can't be looking fat at the beach, am I right?
We drive to the docks and she immediately strips into her bathing suit
"Come on baby, I wanna swim,"
"O-oh ya,"
I take my clothes off and hide my stomach as she kisses me
"Tones," she says as we hit the water "it's so cold,"
I laugh and she grabs my hands.
We're in ankle deep water and she puts my hands on her hips
"Toni what's wrong?" She asks "did you not want to swim?"
"Of course I wanted to swim with you. Just tired baby,"
She kisses me and I smile against her lips
"Why does your mouth taste so weird?" She asks
"I don't know," I say
She grabs my hips to kiss me again and stops
"Babe. Why every time I grab your hips you seemed to have lost 5 pounds?"
"I can't think why," I say
The wheels in her head are turning. I can tell.
My stomach grumbles and she giggles
"How are you still hungry?" She laughs "well I am not gunna swim- wanna go home and eat?"
"Sure,"
She drives us back to her house and we eat- again.
"Baby, I need to go to the bathroom," I say
"Cmon Tones- you were just in the bathroom. Watch a movie with me?"
"I'll be 5 minutes Cher,"
She nods and I throw up in the bathroom.
I wash my hands and go back out.
Cher's standing outside the door with her arms crossed
"Love- What were you doing?" She asks
"Going to the bathroom,"
"Nuh uh," she says "you were throwing up,"
"Just not feeling well,"
"Toni do you think I'm an idiot?"
"No," I mumble "I just didn't want to insult your cooking,"
"False, Toni stop treating me like I'm a child," she says "what's going on?"
I move to get past her and she steps in my way
"What's your problem?" I ask hastily
"I'm trying to figure out why my girlfriend just threw up," she says "just concerned,"
"You're going to break up with me anyways," I mumble
"I'm not Tones, but you have to let me know what going on," she says
"I have anorexia," I say "people always say I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough for you. I love you Cher, and I don't want you breaking up with me because I'm fat,"
"Baby I would never, ever break up with you for something like that, and you were never fat or even overweight,"
"I was cher,"
"Toni I've seen pictures of you,"
"My doctor told me when I was twelve I was overweight,"
"Well your doctor is a fucking idiot," she says "And even if he was not, you must be what? 25 pounds under weight? Babe this is dangerous,"
"Cher every single person at school says I'm fat,"
"Do I? Have I ever said that? Because you once told me my opinion is the only one that matters,"
I start crying and she hugs me.
"I'm sorry for getting angry, I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have Toni, I just don't wanna lose you baby," she says "I love you and I don't want you hurting so hard,"
"I just don't like my body," I say
"Baby, I battled eating disorders in junior high and I talked about it- Why did you think I wouldn't understand?"
I panic and turn around to throw up again.
Cher bends down and rubs my back when I jerk back up and my elbow catches her eye
My eyes go wide as she swears and covers her eye
"Babe, I'm okay," she says
"I- I'm going to go," I stutter
"No no baby please stay here,"
"N-no I'm going to go, I can't stay here,"
I run past her and down the road
It's pouring out and I just run until my frail body can't anymore
I hurt her
I don't deserve her
I can't do it anymore
I can't be with her
Somehow I make it to Sweetpeas trailer and pound on the door
"Toni what happened?" He asks
I cry more and he hugs me and we sit on the couch
"Topaz, What's going on?" He asks
"I hit Cheryl. It w-was an accident but I hit her and I'm scared and I'm not good enough for her,"
"Why do you smell like vomit?"
I look at my hands and start crying again
"Topaz did you start making yourself throw up again?" He asks
I nod and keep crying
"Everyone always says I'm fat and I'm too fat to be with Cheryl," I whisper "everyone,"
"Has Cheryl ever said this?" He asks
"N-no but she'll figure it out eventually,"
He stays silent as my phone rings for the fifth time
"Cheryl Stop fucking calling me," I snap before smashing my phone
I crash on Sweetpeas couch and cry myself to sleep
I need Cheryl, I really do
...
I go into school the next day with my hood up and earphones in.
I can't listen to any of the comments today
I feel a tap on my arm and I look up
"Cher leave me alone. We're breaking up- sorry,"
"Toni that's crap," she says "we are not breaking up and you know it. I love you Tones and this isn't going to scare me away babygirl,"
"Cher look at you face,"
"Toni that isn't your fault. I promise I'm not angry, you just kneeled up quickly," she says "you're okay,"
"Topaz, looking fat as always," Reggie says passing us "oh hey Blossom- wanna come to a sale tonight? Clothes 100% off in my room,"
"Get a life Reginald," Cheryl scoffs "and if I hear you talk to Toni like that again- you're dead, clear?"
He nods and walks away.
"See Cheryl? Everyone knows I'm not good enough for you!"
"Toni I love you, don't feel like this baby please," she says hugging me
I nod and hug her back
"I'm sorry,"
"You have nothing to be sorry about baby," she whispers "but we need to get your weight to a healthy place okay?"
I nod and she kisses me.
"Can't have you withering away Topaz, who's cute face would I wake up next to if you were gone?" She jokes
"You'd find someone," I sigh
"Not as beautiful, and not as perfect as you," she says moving my hair behind my ear
"You're a flirt,"
"I'm not lying," she giggles "do you have anything important in classes?"
"Never,"
"Wanna come nap with me then? You look tired baby,"
"Sure,"
She drives home and I get my pyjamas out of the drawer I have.
"Baby I was thinking we should get you another drawer or like a dresser or something,"
"I'm okay with this Cher- really,"
"But you're here every night and you don't even know if your uncle will let you in to the trailer," she says "you don't have to live out of these bags,"
"We'll talk about it later,"
"Okay,"
We crawl in bed and out of habit of the last week or so I make sure there's space between us
"Baby I wanna cuddle," Cher says pulling me towards her
"Sorry,"
"Stop saying sorry my love," she says "mental illness is not something to be sorry about, and we're going to work on it together Okay?"
"Okay," I say putting my head in between her shoulder and chin
"I missed this," she says "and I missed you last night,"
"I got scared I was finally turning into my dad," i say sadly
"You're not Toni, it was an accident I know that. You're so kind and think of others so much that you aren't going to turn into your dad,"
"Thank you Cher,"
"No problem baby,"
