Abroad

Chapter 81

*H E R O*

The others walk in and dive for the food and drinks. This day of filming is going well so far and the spirits are high. I try to be a part of their conversation but I can't concentrate. When I think back about what just happened in this very room I can't help but smile. I look around for my girl and there she is standing in the corner, talking with her very own director. I'm so proud, she's doing great. I try to catch her eye but she doesn't acknowledge me at all. Our break is about half an hour but she doesn't look at me once. I just want a look, a smile but nothing happens. As I watch her around her friends and crew I realise that she'll never want me back. It dawns on me that she was being serious when she said she just wanted to be friends with benefits. I hadn't thought of that. I just assumed she wanted to take it slow but it never occurred to me that she didn't love me. I shake my head, I shouldn't jump into conclusions like that. That sort of stuff has caused misunderstandings in the past between us. I should just talk to her. Maybe she just doesn't want to world to know just yet?

"Hey, Hero, are you listening?" Lola waves her hand to draw my attention.

"Sorry, I was distracted. I'm very tired."

"I hear you. So am I. Gosh, I absolutely hate student films!" Lola starts a long story about students films but she has lost me again.

When filming starts I'm having a hard time concentrating. My head is all over the place. She doesn't give so much as a glance but she's flirting with the sound man? Seriously? Good thing all I have to do in this scene is lay back and smoke a fake joint. My lack of focus actually is a good thing in this scene and Sam praises me.

"Keep that look on your face, Hero! That's exactly the look of a high person! Just lay back a little more and we'll shoot the scene where his drug dealer walks in." I lay back in the cushions while Sam gives the other actor some directions. These cushions.. the same ones we had sex on last night. I try hard not to imagine that. I'll probably end up with a silly smile on my face or a boner.

I'm happy when filming has ended, an hour late. I want some alone time with Charlotte and I really want to talk to her before I drive myself crazy. The others are starting to leave and I linger back.

"Hey, you can go too. The runners will give you a ride back," Charlotte says from behind me. I turn around, confused.

"I thought I was sleeping here tonight. You're sleeping here aren't you?"

"Yes, I am but I'm fine, really."

"But-"

"Shh, I don't want anyone except Jack and Liz to know that you've slept here too last night."

"Oooh okay!" I give her a smile and a wink and I yell after Tom. "Hey, Tom, wait up. I need a ride!"

She probably just wanted me to leave because the others wouldn't notice anything. After a quick shower and a change of clothes I walk back to the shop and stop at McDonald's first. She's probably starving. I hope Jack and Lizzie are still there. I don't like the thought of her being alone in that place. It's probably not safe at all. With my arms full of McDonalds bags, I knock. It takes a while before someone comes to open it so I knock again.

"Who's there?" I hear her voice from inside. She sounds a bit scared.

"Hero."

"What?" She sounds confused but she opens the door anyway. I step inside and lock it again.

"Where are Jack and Lizzie?"

"They have gone home."

"Are you here by yourself?"

"Yes, I'm a big girl." Silence. "What are you doing here, Hero? I told you to go home and get some sleep. You were very distracted this afternoon."

"Yes, I know that but I thought you wanted me to leave and come back."

"Why?"

"I thought you wanted to be with me? I brought food." I show her the bags and offer her a burger. Something about this whole situation feels wrong. I feel like there'll be a crash soon, something will go horribly wrong.

"I know I was distracted this afternoon. But not because I'm tired. I want to know what's going on between us." She gives me a startled look.

"We're just friends."

"We're having sex."

"The whole point of friends with benefits." She gives me a smile. "You said you were fine with it." She's right. I am fine with it or so I thought. I guess I'm not fine with it. It's too hard not to touch her when there are others around. It's too hard to know she might date other people.

"I lied. I'm not fine with it. I want to be with you, as your boyfriend." The face she makes doesn't predict anything good. Fear, vulnerability, pity, anger.