Disclosure [h.s]

25

Evelyn

"Mom, it's me." I smile at her kindly as I put her favourite flowers on top of the desk she has on her private bedroom in the nursing home. I always bring new flowers everything I visit her, I think it makes the room feel a little more like home.

My mother is a very beautiful woman, she has always been. Her bright blond hair falls effortlessly down her shoulders, and her big blue eyes are full of life, even if she doesn't have any life left in her at this point.

Of course I had to inherit my father's genetics because I don't have either her beautiful hair or her bright blue eyes.

This week I was finally feeling better and was able to resume my normal life slowly. Yesterday I had even gone to my classes, catching up with everything I had missed, and tomorrow I am going back to the office. My leg is much better now, it still hurts when I walk for long, or when I stand for a long time. But I was dying to resume to my normal life, if I had to spend another day lying down on my bed I would go crazy.

I enjoyed doing things, feeling useful.

On my way here I stopped by a cute bakery and I bought a blueberry cupcake for my mom, I knew she will love it. "How are you feeling today?" I ask her but she keeps looking directly at the wall in front of her.

When she is in a good mood, she usually speaks a little about her paintings. When she is not in a good mood she usually just remains silent, like she is now. "I brought you this." I smile handing her the small paper bag.

Her eyes widen at the sight of the paper bag, knowing exactly what is inside. Her small hands rip the bag open, taking out the blueberry cupcake. "Good." It is all she says as she eats it silently.

As much as it makes me sad seeing her like this, I prefer seeing her silent to seeing her distressed as she sometimes is. I hate watching her scream for help, not knowing what I can do to help. I sit down next to her, resisting the urge to stroke her hair gently as she happily eats the cupcake.

"Dad called me the other day." I say even though she is not listening to a word I am saying. "I had to end the call, I just can't forgive him." I sigh. My mom is the person who I tell everything in my life. This is the best therapy, just letting it all out, without being judged.

"And then there is this guy... Not Noah, I have ended things with him, he just did something that I couldn't forgive. I know how much you dislike him." The only two times I brought Noah with me to visit my mom, it never ended up well. She used to scream and try to leave as soon as she saw him. My mom doesn't like strangers so maybe that is why.

"Harry is so different mom, he is into illegal stuff you know?" I continue to talk to her but she doesn't look at me once. "But he makes me feel good. There is this feeling inside me that I can't ignore or forget. This would be much easier if he was not involved with these people, they are so dangerous."

"And I just got out of a relationship, I don't know if I am ready to go through it all again." I let out all these thoughts that I have been keeping hostage in my mind for two weeks now. That is the time I have spent without seeing him, and it was hard.

I can't say precisely how many times I have picked up my phone to call him, but gave up eventually. What am I going to say to him?

Oh hey harry, I know that I said I wanted distance but I really can't stay away from you, I don't even know why.

"I don't know what to do mom. I wish you could help me." I sigh resisting the urge to touch her. She never likes it when I touch her, even if it is just to caress her cheek or her hair. I can't remember the last time I gave my own mother a hug.