Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 38

(Ruel's pov)
I feel so fucked up. That moment when Blake called me to talk about Yasmine's well-being, I tried to hold back my tears. That night I was crying softly in my bed the whole time. Nobody heard it, otherwise I could have told them a shitty story. I can stay angry at myself, but that's not a solution. It happened and I can't do anything about it anymore. All I can hope is that she will ever forgive me. What it looks like now, not in any case. For the rest of the week, Yasmine hasn't come to school, Blake barely talks to me anymore and it makes me nervous. What if she told him to never see me again and that he had to keep his distance from me. Because he would, he would do what she asked him to do. Not because he's a pussy and a follower. No, because he loves her and wants to be there for her.

It is raining so hard outside that I got completely wet from the part of my car to the school entrance. The sky is gray and completely cloudy. I think the weather already shows how it will be today.

With a sigh I slam my locker and plan to walk away. But around the corner, a few yards up, Yasmine comes up, followed closely by Blake. When I see her my expression changes from irritated to sad but relieved. She looks at me with wide eyes for a moment and I see her breathing skyrocket. She turns the other way and walks away from me. Blake says "sorry" in a way that she doesn't see or hear.

My courage slowly sinks into my shoes. I just screwed up and I know it very well. I just have to stop hoping and get on with my life. But since the moment she left the toilets, it seemed like time had stopped. And ticks past very slowly so that you hardly realize it. How am I ever going to deal with this slow ticking time?

The first few lessons are over and I walk to my group of friends. It was truly awful in class. My eyes stick to her. My complete focus was gone. And I know she doesn't need me anymore.  But I can't help it. It hurts to see her like this. I have to try to speak to her, but she doesn't answer anything. Not my texts and not my phone calls. She doesn't even read them and I am often immediately pushed away.

Everyone stands together but Yasmine keeps her distance from me. She would often be close to me, but she is now completely on the other side. I try to give her as few glances as possible but every time I look at her I think it is actually not going well with her. The way she breathes is most restless and she massages her palms, which means she is scared. Has she become seriously scared of me?

Liam: "Is there something between you two?" Liam asks, looking at me and then at Yasmine.
Yasmine: "Um, no." She says uncertainly. She had her answer soon ready. So she's thought about it.

When the bell rings, she quickly disappears from my sight. But I grab my bag from the ground and run after her.

Ruel: "Yasmine, please wait." I shout while overtaking a few people. She does not stop. She walks on at a brisk pace. The only thing is, I can run faster. So soon I am already up and I walk next to her.
Ruel: "Can we talk? ... Please?" I beg.
Yasmine: "Ruel. I really can't do that right now. Sorry."
Ruel: "So ​​you are just fucking ignoring me?!" I shout, while I keep up with her.
She doesn't respond to me and keeps walking.
Ruel: "You don't even read my messages. You don't even bother to accept my apologies."
She turns her head away from me so I can't look into her eyes.

I give up, tears are probably in her eyes. But I let her go. Ruel this makes no sense anymore. You have to leave her alone. I try, really. But to be honest, Yasmine has become such a big part of my life that it feels weird to let her go. And maybe never see her walk back into my life.

(Yasmine's pov)
After I got home from school, I went for a walk. It was getting dark again and I took a shower after dinner. Where I am currently still at. The pressure on my chest has returned and I sat down on the floor.  The warm drops fall on my skin and flow to the shower drain. I turned off the light completely and only the moon shines through the small window in the bathroom. The moonlight falls on my face when I hold it under the running water. I take a deep breath and start crying. My phone will probably ring for the umpteenth time today, or light up when another message arrives. Part of me says to block Ruel, but the other side of me just can't. I cannot send my fingers to the lock button. Actually my phone is turned off as much as possible. I've never had a moment where I enjoyed having my phone with me. I see it more as convenient and not enjoyable. All those messages that come in that you sometimes don't even want to receive. Or the amount of calls I get all day long.

My head is everywhere and nowhere. Sometimes I feel like my feelings have been turned off. As if I seem to stand still in time. Just like the moment this afternoon. Which I had quickly left when the school bell rang. It felt like time went twice as slow, everyone around me was slow except me, and Ruel chasing me. As if he could time travel with me. All I could hear was the pain in his voice echoing through my ears, straight to my eardrum. I had to leave him. My heart rate increased and could no longer breathe. I never wish this had such a big impact on me. I could have forgiven him now if I'm not reminded of what happened in the past. I will also never be sure I can fully trust Ruel again, without feeling his hands pressed into my skin without him actually being there. 

My tears mix with the warm drops streaming down my face, I try to breathe, but it seems like I've already used all the oxygen from my lungs. I panic. I couldn't have used all the oxygen around me, that's impossible. I get out of the warmth and let myself cool down. I try to breathe with both hands on my stomach. As gently as possible, because every breath I try to take is shocking. Little by little, I calm down, but my heart hurts. As if a piece breaks off.