Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 41

I run my hands through my wet hair that clings to my face, my tears mingling with the droplets falling from the dark clouds above me. My heart hurts. It seems like pieces are slowly crumbling off and falling onto my stomach, making me nauseous.

I've been so fucking stupid. I should have just suppressed my feelings. But they were too strong. I know that too. But I should have tried harder to cut people off from me. I knew this will ever happen because it always happens. One person is always disappointed and broken. Whether that happens by myself or by the other. 
I've hated lying all my life. I find it difficult even to keep my own secrets, but I also know that I have to keep it to myself. To protect myself. Deep down I know it would be a relief to share what happened before. But I'm afraid l'm going to panic so badly if I have to try to bring out all the details.  That's why I don't want to tell them. It's just too big a step for me.
So many lies have been spread all my life. It makes me feel unsafe around someone, like I can't trust them because he or she could start spreading wrong things about me. Apparently it's so easy for them to turn something around. And when someone who is so deep in your heart and who you trusted so much then does these things, it hurts a lot. It feels like I relive everything again, only on a different level.

I don't know how I end up home every time I feel like shit. I feel like shit everywhere. At home I can still try to lock myself up in my own room. I've actually been a bit slippery from everyone lately, I haven't seen Nola for a long time and my mother doesn't talk to me. Only when she's in a bad mood, she always has something to piss off of course.

My phone has been silent for a long time. The only message I got from Ruel is:

Sorry Yasmine, I want you to know that deep down I am really sorry and I shouldn't have made this choice. But I was just really scared of what would happen if I told you, I know how hard you find it to seek trust and let people into your life. And this would have been a very big step for you. I just wanted to protect you from that.

He wants to protect me, but that doesn't mean I can just forgive him.  Breaking someone's trust is like crumbling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over but it is never gonna be the same again.

I walk out of my room, up the landing, to the side I never go to. I stop at the door and consider knocking on it. Still, I can gather my courage and knock three times. I'm allowed to come in so I gently push the door handle down. I haven't been to this room in such a long time, it has become more of a forbidden room to me. I look around carefully and continue to walk to the bed.

Yasmine: "Did you paint on your wall?" I ask while looking at the drawings and paintings on the wall.
Nola: "Yes, what do you think about it?" Nola asks as she turns away from school and focuses on me.
Yasmine: "I think it's beautifully made. I didn't know you could paint so well."
I get a shy smile.
Nola: "Everyone has his own talents. You have a bigger heart than everyone thinks."
Then why doesn't anyone care for that heart well enough? They try their best, but I'm too complicated to get to know me in such a short time.

Yasmine: "I need your advice." I suddenly say out of the blue, after looking around her room for a while.
She doesn't say anything else so I start talking again.
Yasmine: "What if someone has broken my trust in them but still has a big place in my heart?"
I try not to name names for my own good.
Nola: "Is something happening between you and Blake?"
Yasmine: "Just answer my question please." I try to say as sweet as possible.
She pauses for a moment and thinks.
Nola:" I think you know the best what to do. But I would listen to your heart instead of your head, just like grandma used to say to you. Remember? So if he really still has a place in your heart, then you will be able to forgive him again, no matter how difficult that may be. And don't forget, it doesn't have to be in a hurry."
Yasmine: "Mhm, thanks." I mutter.
I walk out of her room and breathe a sigh of relief. It didn't go that bad.