Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 49

We went to pick up Ruel's car and now on our way to the beach. I rest my head on my hand and lean against the cold car window. Ruel puts his hand on my thigh, but my legs are turned so that it is barely possible. A few tears are rolling down my cheeks. I hope with all of my heart that Ruel doesn't notice. Then he runs his hand through my hair and holds the steering wheel with both hands again.

Ruel: "Whatever goes on in your head, you can tell me anything. I don't care what you say, I won't judge. If you want to get rid of it, just throw it out. I will listen to you."
I wipe my tears with the sleeve of my sweater and then quickly make eye contact.
Yasmine: "It's just gonna get really close to me. I'm afraid I'm going to fall back."
I keep staring outside and looking at the cars on the road.
Ruel: "Why do you think that would happen?" He asks quietly.
I shrug my shoulders. I don't even know if he can see that when he is watching the road. Probably yes, because he really sees a lot of things.
Yasmine: "I don't know. Maybe because it is so intense for me and it's been a long time since I have told the story in such detail."
I feel myself becoming unsafe again and want to make myself as small as possible. But then he holds my hand and runs his thumb across the back of my hand.
Ruel: "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready yet. I shouldn't have read your file at all."
Yasmine: "It's okay. I will have to tell you someday. Hopefully it will help you understand me too. "

We have arrived at the beach and walk through the sand. There are hardly any people around us. That is because it is not a very beautiful day to go to the beach.

After a while we found a nice place. It is a kind of corner with a tree whose branch hangs over the beach and some other plants on the edge with stones.

I stare silently in front of me, but the longer I keep it for myself, the worse I start to feel. I can feel my heart beating all through my body and I am nauseous. I feel like I can be any moment off the world because of the lightness in my head.

Ruel takes a deep breath and then looks in my direction.
Ruel: "Come here." He says with the sweet tone in his voice, spreading his arms.
I snuggle up to him when I put my arms around him. My lower lip starts to tremble and I am about to start crying again. Often when I'm with Ruel and I feel really bad, it seems like he can let go of my negative emotions and release them to the ground beneath our feet.

I'm scared to start. I don't really want to think too much about the details. Afraid of the feeling that might take over my body. Another reason why I don't tell people. Because I have to tell it myself and so I have to think back to it expressly. It's bad enough to be reminded in little moments.

Yasmine: "I'm going to tell you. But you have to intervene if it goes wrong. Okay?"
Ruel: "Promise." He says when he swears his little finger. I wrap mine around it with a smile. He pulls his hand, along with mine, towards him and kisses my hand.

Yasmine: "I just turned fourteen when my trauma started." I start.

STRONG TRIGGER WARNING

* Flashback *
The three of us, Justin, Nola and I, walk into the house. A brother of a friend of mine is having a party and Justin happens to be friends with him too. It is already special that my parents just let me go. That friend already turned 19 and you can see that in the setting. Alcohol can be found everywhere.

Justin and I have found our way to the dance floor and are dancing to different songs together. We try to persuade Nola to come to us, and we finally succeeded. She gently cradles her hips, but slowly she loosens up.

After a while a group of friends comes to us. One of them asks if Justin comes to play beer pong with them. One of his other friends scans me from head to toe with his eyes. I see him lick his lips and then bite on them, but I don't dare look him straight in the eyes. I want to hide myself, I am not starting to feel like myself. Justin gets it and starts talking to that friend who just looked at me for a long time. That's how the eyes go away from me and go to Justin. I turn around and notice that Nola is gone. Then I see her sitting down with a few other girls.