Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 54

I am at Ruel's house and it keeps getting later and later. We all sit in the living room and watch black mirror. I am actually very tired, but I don't want to go to bed. Afraid of what I will find in my dream. I am lying on the couch next to Ruel and put my head in his lap. One arm wrapped around his thigh. His hand runs through my hair soothingly, scratching my head every now and then. I have so little energy left that I suddenly get very cold and start shivering. Ruel takes the fleece blanket from the back of the couch and spreads it over my body.

I fall asleep almost every time. But then wake up fully afterwards when my eyes almost closed.
Ruel: "Darcie come I'll put you to bed." Ruel says lovingly.
Sleepily I push myself up from the couch and rub my eyes. A broad smile appears on his face.

Together we brush our teeth in the bathroom, even though Ruel isn't going to bed yet. I take my hair brush in my hand, but I struggle to lift my arm, let alone comb my hair too.
Ruel: "Give it to me." He says calm.
I put the brush in his hand he just raised and he puts one hand on my shoulder as he steps up behind me. He gently runs the brush through my hair and removes the small tangles.
Ruel: "You have to say when it hurts."
I slowly nod my head. He keeps running the brush through my hair and his other hand comes in, smoothing my hair. When he is done, I feel a kiss on the back of my head.
Yasmine: "Thank you." I say a little slow. 
He wraps his arms around my body from behind and holds me close.  Together we look at each other through the mirror.
Ruel: "I am so very proud of what you have done today."
Yasmine: "I never really thought I would tell you all this ... Well you still have part of the story waiting for you. But I actually want to tell that on the spot."
Ruel: "Oh are we going to take a little trip together?" He concludes enthusiastically.
Yasmine: "Maybe." I say when I shrug my shoulders.
He kisses my cheek and holds me tighter.
Ruel: "A lot has happened today and you are tired, so I'm going to put you to bed."
Yasmine: "Yes Dad." I say teasingly.
He chuckles and then takes my hand and walks out of the bathroom.

Ruel sits next to me on the bed and waits until I lie down. My eyes are getting heavier by the minute.
Yasmime: "Thank you for being with me today." I thank him in a sleepy voice.
Ruel: "I always want to be with you ... You know you're really cute when you are tired right?" It seems like he melts away when he says this. I give him a warm smile and then I start yawning again.

Ruel: "Sleep well."
He kisses my lips and then leaves the room. He turned off all the lights and then slowly closed the door. Just see him looking in the room from the hallway.

I can not sleep. My head is under a lot of pressure from everything that has happened. I sit up in bed and wrap my arms around my legs so I don't lose my warmth. I look through the crack under the door and see that the light in the hallway is off. I heard Ruel, Sylvie and Coco go to bed a while ago.

Very softly I hear voices having a discussion with each other. It comes from below and it is very much muffled by the walls between it. But my ears can hear a lot of things, so I can do this if I concentrate very well. I am a little worried about the tone of the words that are spoken.

Kate: "We have to let her move in with us." I hear Kate say.
Ralph: "Kate you are a sweetheart, but you cannot take and protect every child under your wing." Ralph says, half concerned and struggling.
Kate: "Don't pretend my decision is a stupid idea. You know the situation and you know very well what happened tonight. She's not safe at home and I think it is enough now."
Ralph: "She is very good at standing up for herself, right?"
Kate: "That is not the point Ralph. It's about the fear and fatigue she experiences when she is in there. Living this way costs her a lot of energy, let alone that you have to be on the lookout and to be ready with arguments, day in and day out. It is going to break her. She can stay strong now, but I don't know how much longer she can."

I feel very bad. I don't want to be the reason for arguments. Certainly not arguments between parents or people in a relationship. Soon it will force them apart. And then it is my fault again. The tears in my eyes are slowly starting to run. The argument throws knives at my back and brings me down.

Kate: "Look at Ruel. Can't you see him light up when he is with her? I haven't seen him so happy in ages. And what about the girls. They get along really well." I hear Kate say convincingly.

My heart skips a little when I hear the sentences Kate says about Ruel. Am I really that special to him?

Ralph: "I don't know. Isn't freedom much better for her?" Ralph says doubtfully.
Kate: "I think we should let her know that she can come here whenever she wants and she has her own choice. But I don't want her to bear the burden of being expected at her home every night. That's not going to help her."
Ralph: "We are not her parents. We have already helped her enough."
Kate: "You don't understand!" Kate shouts just a little too loudly.

I get very restless and I get out of bed with tears still running over my cheeks. A shiver runs through my body as my feet touch the cold floor.

I silently open the door of the room where I sleep and walk a bit into the hallway. Really all lights are off. There is only a yellow glow from below, but that is also very minimal.

I'm afraid to walk into Ruel's room. I don't know if I can suddenly lie with him. But now I really want someone's support. Not being alone with my own painful thoughts.

Slowly I lower the door handle and look around the corner of the door when I wipe my tears away. He is lying on his side with his back to the door.

I walk silently into his room and go to the other side of the bed. I realize he is still awake when he opens the blanket for me. I crawl into the warm bed and lie with my back against his chest. He puts his arm around me and buries his head on my neck.

Yasmime: "I feel very guilty."  I whisper. My voice was about to break, just like the tears in my eyes.
Ruel: "It will be okay. Don't worry. You can go to sleep." He had a few rough and raspy edges to his sentences, because of his sleepy voice.
His thumb brushes the sensitive skin on my arm when he reassures me.

Just before I fall asleep I hear the bedroom door open.
Kate: "Ralph come and have a look." I hear Kate whisper enthusiastically.
There is silence for a moment, but then I hear the sound of a kiss on the cheek and the door closes again. It leaves a warm and happy feeling.

I fall asleep safely in his arms. Never before have I felt so safe with someone. I never want to lose this again.