Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 28

It is still raining and I am shivering from the cold. My lips are purple and my hands feel like icicles.

Ruel: "I will take you home." He suggests just before we reach the car.
Yasmine: "I'm not going home." I say full of my case.

???: "Come home Yassy, ​​I miss you." I hear an unknown voice whisper softly in my ear. But I don't feel a warm breath in my neck, I feel that no one is around me.

I reach for the roof of the car after a white haze appears before my eyes.

Ruel: "But you are completely soaked. You just have to get dressed."
Yasmine: "I'm not going home!" I scream.

With my eyes closed and leaning on the roof, I try to recognize the unknown voice.

???: "Home, the place of a warm welcome, support and leave and safety."

That is not true. Home is the place of tension, insecurity, quarrels and panic. Sometimes I think. If only I had something to come home to, really come home. Being able to be myself, not having to be afraid, being able to get rid of all bad feelings. Feeling loved, not being blamed for everything. Just don't have to worry. Let the weight disappear from my shoulders. Just be really free.

Yasmine: "I don't want to go home. That isn't my home anymore." I say softly.
I don't know if Ruel heard that, from the tapping on the roof from the rain.

Ruel: "If you let me go in with you. Then we will do it together. Just grab your clothes and then we can leave if necessary. Then you can change at my house."

I stay still and stare at the floor. For the umpteenth time today my warm tears are mixed with the cold drops of rain.

Ruel: "Okay, let's discuss this in the car, please. I'm getting cold, and it looks like you are already cold."

With shaking hands I open the car door, put my skateboard in the trunk and sit in the car myself.

The confusion is slowly heating up and we are still standing still in the parking lot.

Yasmine: "Ruel, I don't want to go home."
My gaze leaves the empty parking lot behind and I turn to Ruel, who is staring in silence.

Ruel: "I know." He says downcast.

I look at the digital clock in the car. Half past nine. Too late for school. I wasn't planning to go to school anyway. I barely slept last night and the little bit of sleep I got in was ruined by my nightmare.

Ruel: "But Yas, I think you should. We will just get your clothes and then be gone as soon as possible. Promise. You can take a shower at mine if you want."

Me: "Okay." I say softly.

I don't even think I have any other choice. I can't keep borrowing clothes from them.

*Home*
Ruel: "Do you want me to come in with you?"
I look at the front door. Everyone must be gone. The only ones out there are my thoughts. My delusions.
Yasmine: "I think I will be fine."

I quickly find my way up. I notice that I am very careful again. I look around the room every time a door is opened. I check everything.

I gather my clothes and stop at the mirror. I carefully look at myself. But I don't see the girl I really am now. I see my younger self. The girl who also had to run away from her parents, the girl who soon had to deal with panic attacks, the girl who still has so much to expect. The girl I now have to protect until things get out of hand again.
I blink my eyes a few times and then switch back to reality. I'm about to run again.