Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 57

We have arrived home and Ruel takes the bouquets out of the car. I open the door for him and lock the car too.

Yasmine: "Where is everyone?" I ask Ruel when I follow him to the kitchen. Wilbur walks up to me and is already begging for a treat.
Ruel: "They all went to the mall, so I think we will be alone for a while." He answers when he takes two vases from the long cupboard.

I grab some dog treats for Wilbur and then sit on the counter. My legs dangling over the edge. I watch Ruel fill the vases with a layer of water and then unwrap the flowers from the paper.

I take an oblong glass from the counter and ask Ruel to fill it too. I carefully remove the flower from my hair and put it in the water so that it does not dry out any further.

The two vases are filled with our flowers. I take my bouquet in my hands and walk to the dining table to place it in the middle of the table. Coincidentally, Kate had already thrown away the other flowers yesterday, because they were dead.

Ruel: "Where do you want this to be?" Ruel asks me.
Yasmime: "Where you like it."
Ruel: "No, you can choose. It's for you."
Our cheeks turn pink and he gives me a warm but shy smile. The butterflies flutter through my stomach.
Yasmine: "Then put it next to the vinyls. We come there quite often on a day."
He nods and makes some space on the cupboard, which is about the height of his waist.

I walk up to him and inspect the different types of flowers.
Yasmine: "They are really beautiful ... Thank you."
I kiss him on the lips. Ruel's hand moves to my waist and pulls us closer. His warm hand feels safe and familiar.

I stand on the balcony in the sun with a glass of water in my hands and watch the boats sailing on the gently undulating water.

Ruel: "Hey, I'm going to let Wilbur out. Take some time for yourself if you want." Informs Ruel when he suddenly hugs me from behind.
Yasmime: "What do you mean?" I am surprised.
Ruel: "I feel you need it."
He kisses my neck and walks back inside. Behind me I hear Wilbur getting excited when his collar is put on.

I find it difficult to be on my own. Not because I don't know what to do and want to be dependent on others. Because that's not the point. But I don't want to be alone with my own thoughts. And they are simply stronger when I have no one around me. I don't want to fall down again because of my own thoughts and fears.

I walk to 'my' room and pick up the book from the shelf I brought from home. One of Justin that he covered with sticky notes, in which he marked text and also wrote on the pages. When I open the book, a cracking sound comes from all the extra papers between the pages.

I am not reading the book. I read all the extra notes  I absorb his handwriting. His thoughts, his fantasies. I take the picture of the two of us out of the cover and take a look at it. I give it a smile and then put it back again. I put the book next to me and pick up a pen and paper. I start by writing down the words that keep haunting my mind. The positive on the front of the paper, and the negative on the back  I write it as a letter. A letter to no one in particular. My hand tends to make small drawings in the margin, matching the text. Finally I fold the paper and put it between the book.

I hear the front door open again, so I walk downstairs to find Ruel.

Yasmine: "Hey." I greet him. He gives me a smile and then kneels to untie Wilbur.

Ruel: "Coco just called and she said that they will be away for a while. So we just have to see what we are going to eat later. Maybe we can order a pizza." Ruel tells me.
Yasmine: "I'm too tired to go anywhere, so that's fine."
Ruel: "I know." He says with a laugh.