Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 74

I open my heavy eyes and start yawning. I reach for the nightstand next to the bed, but am stopped by the heavy arm wrapped around my waist. I look at the digital clock and see that it is two thirty in the morning. It is pitch dark in the room when the light in the clock goes out again. But I can't close my eyes anymore. I'm tired but can't sleep. I turn to see Ruel sleeping on his side. It's lovely to see how people sleep. This is how you see the soft characteristics in someone's face. It's a confidence you radiate, because you can't protect yourself while you sleep. It is a surrender to the other. Ruel's hair falls slightly in front of his face and his lips part slightly. He has put his arm around my body, his hold. His chest rises and falls at a slow pace, I had hoped I could keep up with his pace of breathing. can feel my heart beating more slowly, but despite that I remain wide awake.

I sneak out of bed and leave Ruel there alone. I walk to the door as quietly as possible to leave the room. I close the door softly behind me and walk down the dark hallway. Only the moonlight still shines in where the window is not covered with a curtain or blinds. I walk into the guest room, which is sort of mine now even though I don't sleep in the bed anymore, to grab a book from the bookshelf and put on a hoodie. Ruel's black hoodie I happened to borrow. Maybe almost stolen.

My feet hit the cold floor of the lower floor. A shiver runs through me as I have to cross the tiles of the kitchen floor to get to the dark living room. It seems like a completely different house. So dark, so quiet. Yet so soothing. Even Wilbur is asleep. His ears cover half of his closed eyes. He has rested his head on his paw. And only then do you realize that everyone is really asleep. Everyone has left for their own world. The world you created yourself. Whether it's based on reality or you're being fooled. When you wake up, it's just a memory that can disappear in a snap. That can slip through your fingers and never been seen again.

I grab a fleece blanket from the couch and walk to the door that leads to the balcony. I turn the key and step out into the outside world. The moonlight illuminates the night. I flip the switch and the little lights on the balcony turn on. Just like you see the little lights in the city in the distance. The temperature didn't drop very much this night, so I'm not going to freeze away.

I sit on the lounge sofa and put the blanket over my legs. The book is next to me as I look at the stars in the sky. The longer you look, the more you will see. The more you start to see the beauty of the world. The stars will be there for you even in your darkest times. They are the bright spot you need. They will take care of you because they are always there. You just have to be open to it.

The empty feeling begins to fill into a perfect feeling. I don't need anything more than this. This is enough. This makes me happy.

I get curious when I look next to me. It's Nola's book. I haven't looked through it since I received it. Only the first page with the introduction. Nothing more. I won't lie, but I'm afraid of what I'm about to read. Yet it is hidden under the layer of curiosity. Maybe it's a healthy response. It's back in time. I will relive all those years, only from a different perspective. And I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I flick through the book a bit without actually reading sentences. And somewhere in the middle of the book falls a folded paper. I don't know which page. I don't know if it belongs to anything. I've never seen it before either. It didn't stick out, it didn't fall out. It's like it just fell from the sky. I close the book and put it next to me. When the folded sheet is in my hands I get the urge to open it. To read it. Like it's really meant for me. Like I'm being told to read it now. And something I've learned is to listen to your heart. So I carefully unfold the sheet and start reading. With the help of the light from the little lights, the letters form clear sentences.

Dear Yasmin,
My god, you've grown so much since I left. It seems like yesterday you learned to walk. That we were dancing around in the living room together. That I heard you laugh because you stepped on my toe on purpose and pretended it was an accident. I wish I could go back to that moment. I wish I could be with you in general. That I could still cherish that time. Every minute I had with you could enjoy. I know you are really upset that you lost me, your friend, your safe home and more. But not only did you lose someone, your family lost you and me too. They have lost themselves. Everything has fallen apart. And please put the blame on me. Everything and everyone except yourself. You don't deserve this treatment. I wish I could turn everything back. That I could protect you. Keep you safe with me.
I miss hearing you laugh, seeing you happy. It pains me to see you curled up in bed at midnight sobbing, holding my old sweaters and repeating how much you miss me and how alone you are. And if I were in your position, I'd be just like you, only more distraught. You are so much stronger than I was and ever will be, and it pains me to see you like this. I wish I could take all the pain away from you. Then I could tell you it's gonna be okay. Whether or not you have me by your side. But hey, darling, you're not alone. I never really left. Do you ever hear the door creaking? That's me sticking my head in to see how you're doing. Do you ever wake up with a night light plugged in? That's me making sure the darkness never gets to you. Do you ever feel chills running through your whole body? That's me giving you a hug. I am the star in the sky trying to carry you through the dark times. Trying to give you a bright spot to look forward to. I promise you this, Yasmine, I will be with you every second of the day and never leave you. I am here for you with all the love you can imagine. And let me tell you one important extra thing. Follow your heart, you know what's best for you. You are climbing the right path and you can fall back into the arms that now feel like your safe home. Yasmine you are way to strong for this world. And believe me, someday we'll see each other again. But only when it's your time.
-Justin-

Tears stream down my face. My hands are shaking and can no longer hold the letter still. I don't know what's happening. How is it possible that I have this in my hands. The wind blows over the skin of my face and cools my tears. I put a hand to my mouth to muffle my sobs. I can't help it and sink my teeth into the skin of my trembling hand. With tears in my eyes I look at the sky above me, which I can no longer see clearly. The light from the great star shines in my eyes, but comes to me blurry.

It feels like my heart is breaking. But at the same time it gives a feeling of reassurance. A sense of security. I hold his words. His self-written words. Nothing more than the question: when was this written? Goes through me. It cannot be that his death was planned. That is impossible. Then he wouldn't have said goodbye to us in this way. I dare not believe that. He may have written this once when he had his life in his hands and was about to break it all. To make sure he could go to a better place. Hoping for peace in his soul. I also cannot believe that this letter is recent. That it was recently written. By him. It's impossible. My whole head gets upset as my body tries to let go of my emotions.

I bite my lip and swallow the intrusive thoughts. It's impossible. All of this. There isn't even a bit of logic behind it. But it's his handwriting. The name is written exactly the same way. The J with a long loop at the bottom. I need to know a date. Sooner this will not fall off my shoulders. He couldn't have known some things in advance and that makes it weird. It upsets me. Very upset because I don't know what to do with this. Should I leave it or go find it out? How could I ever find out such information. I can only ask Nola. It's her book. But if she knows anything about this, she's been hiding a very big secret from me. Because it is a letter addressed to me. A letter I have never read. A letter I want to read every night.

The tears that stream from my eyes are slowly diminishing after a really long time. My vision is getting a little sharper. I store the letter safely between the cover and the paper of the book. Hoping I never lose this one. This is one of the few personal things left of him.

My body has become tired. This has asked too much of me. I stretch out on the couch and pull the blanket more over me. I put a hand under my head and close my eyes. I feel the wind blowing against my skin again, but it feels caressing. For the last time tonight I look up into the sky. Looking for the star. Cautiously I nod my head in gratitude. It was just for me and me alone. I don't know how it happened. But what I do know is that it's special. He was special.