Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 67

Together we walk into the dark hotel room. I reach for the light switch. My fingers glide over the wall of dark wallpaper. Every nerve in my finger is triggered. A few centimeters later my hand finds an elevation and I press the button. The small lamp on the cabinet, which comes to the height of your waist, turns on. Wrong button. But we have light and we can see something. I walk to the lamp on the bedside table and press it on to create enough light. I plop down on the bed and take off my shoes. After which I put them next to the wall. When I look up I have lost Ruel. It doesn't take long for me to figure out where he is in this not-too-large space. I was sure he had walked with me, the hand that was constantly on my side indicated that he was still with me. But he is now in the bathroom. I hear him open the cupboard under the sink. The hinges creak a little. The water clatters in the ceramic sink when I hear him turn on the tap. The drops can no longer be counted. I will never bother with that either. Maybe if I ever get to the point where I'm so bored that I'd start counting the drops from a leaky faucet. But never from a tap that is fully open.

I fall backwards on the bed. My shoulders resting in the mattress and the pressure slowly disappearing from my back provides relief. My arms are spread out beside me, my palms are facing the ceiling. Slowly my eyes close. Suddenly I feel the mattress below and next to me sag a little due to the weight that collects on the two sides of my body. His energy draws closer to me, but I keep my eyes closed. Because it doesn't feel like a threat. Ruel puts his hands next to my arms and has more balance than if he was only resting on his knees next to my legs. Softly and tenderly I feel his lips on my forehead. One. Two. Three kisses.

Ruel: "Are you about to fall asleep?" Ruel asks softly as he places his hand on the side of my face and runs his thumb over my cheek.

Slowly and with short movements I shake my head 'no'. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier. But I still manage to get them open after squeezing them shut. Looking into his hazel green eyes. He has a soft smile on his face. One that makes me feel safe. Even though I'm in a position where I would have to struggle to get out of here. There's no reason to leave him. The look in his eyes makes me want to stay with him. Very close to him. Forever I want to feel the warm full feeling in my heart. His hands carry, caress and care for my heart as if it were his own. As if he always has to live with this heart and thus offers protection against everything that is going to hurt. Against the things and people that are going to hurt me. Maybe my heart is slowly starting to bloom after all. I always thought it would just be surrounded by a bunch of thorns. I am slowly beginning to find my hope in the few red roses that are blooming among the green tantalizing drones that has always protected me from the outside world. The soft charming side may also be starting to show. Give more water to the core and other flowers will pop up. Finally a place where the butterflies in my stomach belong.

Ruel: "Can I take your makeup off?" Ruel asks cautiously as I start to yawn.

It takes a while until what he just asked for really comes in. I start melting. Immediately I would believe you if you said that there are hearts in my eyes, accompanied by the redness of my cheeks. I'm getting too soft on this side of him.

Yasmine: "Sure. The make-up cleaning wipes are in the cupboard under the sink."

A smile appears on my face as Ruel responded enthusiastically to my answer. He almost jumps off the bed to walk to the bathroom with a little dance. I watch him until he's out of my sight. I focus on the sound coming from the bathroom. The creaking hinges. The zipper of the toiletry bag. Crack the pack with makeup cleansing wipes. I don't normally use it to remove makeup from my face. I notice that it is not very good for my skin and prefer to use a lotion. But it was easier to carry cleaning wipes as it takes up less space. I can get out of my habit for a while.

Ruel tosses the package next to my body on the bed and climbs back on it himself. Hanging over me, he seeks support on his arms and knees. He carefully sits on my thighs. Looks at me to make sure it's not too heavy for me and I'm comfortable with it. Although I know he holds some of his own weight with the muscles in his thighs and it doesn't rest completely on me. The twinkles are in his eyes. As if the stars are in the dark mysterious sky, but they will guide you through it. Because the stars are always there. But they will not always be in the foreground. Doesn't mean they don't support you anymore.

Ruel takes a damp wipe from the plastic packaging and seals the closure again, so that the rest of the wipes don't dry out. With a slow movement he finds support on his forearms. He makes sure the wipe is snug and tight around his fingers before it touches my skin. He puts his other hand loosely around my face and occasionally runs through my hair. Kiss my forehead for a moment.  My eyes close as Ruel begins to clean my face. He strokes my face gently, caressing yet effective. I can feel the small layer of makeup lift off my forehead. It's a kind of enlightenment. My skin can breathe properly again. I open my eyes again and watch him work very concentrated. It is endearing. But he seems to enjoy it. I count the moles and pigmentation marks on his face and neck. Most are very small and almost not noticeable. I watch every little detail in his face. The veins of his skin. The irregularities. The long lashes of his eyelids. The heart rate I can keep up with through the veins in his neck.  One, two, three beats. A calm pattern. My heart could learn from that. It often goes on like I'm running a marathon. Like death is right around the corner and is scaring me. Also, there is no real reason for the fast beating of my heart.

I watch his blond hair fall in front of his face. Slowly my hand runs over his cheek, towards his ear and puts a tuft of hair behind his ear. A shy smile appears on his face. Ruel finds a clean spot on the half-dirty wipe and then wipes the side of my face with it. I actually enjoy this. Being so close to each other.

Ruel: "I love you." Ruel says softly.  Almost whispering.
Yasmine: "I love you too."
It feels like the energy that connects us is getting stronger. Draws us closer and closer to each other and ensures that we can no longer let go of each other. And I'm at peace with that.

When life starts to revolve around me again, I long for moments like this. Just the peace that is present. My heart may sometimes beat fast, but then it's not entirely my fault. This also gives me peace of mind. It's the little moments that make me breathe. Which open my lungs and let oxygen in. Instead of my lungs being wrung out as if they were a wet dishcloth just dipped in a tub of soapy water. It may then be used to scrub the blood of others from the floor covered in red puddles. It's not much different than being used to make others look good. Others take pleasure in belittling their very own daughter in order to take power over me. Maybe now she's finally got the strength to fight back. Still, she can't stay on her guard forever. I can almost guarantee that if I were alone at the moment when I fear the most, I'll freak out. After all these years I have not found a good method to calm myself down. At times when I panic or see crazy things. I will survive, but it is reassuring for me to know that someone is having my back. Whatever might happen. I see that now. In the way he makes me feel comfortable with the actions he does. In the way he looks at me, in between his focused gaze. The way he bites the inside of his lip and I see his jaw tighten a little. It's cute. Even if he gets uncomfortable when I tell him that. Ruel narrows his eyes and gives me a small smile.

Ruel: "And done... You're welcome Darcie." Ruel says softly as he kisses my cheek.

He put the dirty cleaning wipes on the sheets next to me. He sits up, still half leaning on my thighs, to straighten his back. But then I notice how safe and warm I felt with him. So close. I miss his body heat that seeped through my clothes as he bent over to get close to my face. I spread my arms and look at him with big puppy eyes pleadingly. Begging to have him in my arms.

Ruel: "Do you miss me already?" Ruel says with a half smile.
Yasmine: "Oh stop it and come here."

I use my abs to get myself up and wrap my arms around his neck to pull him back down again. His arms are wrapped around my torso. His face buries itself in the side of my neck. It feels good to have him in my arms. Safe and trusted.