Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 39

(Ruel's pov)
I scratch through the text I just wrote. Not good enough. I tear the paper off the notepad and fold it into a wad, then angrily throw it into the room. I can't find distraction, I no longer enjoy listening to music and I have no inspiration to write songs. I would just love to turn my thoughts off once. It only needs to be once, that's enough. I don't ask for more. But no, that is not possible.

My eyes dart to my phone when the screen starts to light up. Fuck Nate. He gives me false hope.

Ruel: "What?!" I yell a little too angry when I answer the phonecall.
Nate: "Calm down. Just wanted to say you have an appointment with Michelle and me next Saturday, oh and someone else. I'll send you the details later."
Ruel: "Fine." I say curtly.

I walk downstairs to get a glass of water and stop in the kitchen. My whole family is sitting in the living room and is watching TV. I sigh and put my glass on the counter just a little too hard. I roll my eyes and walk back to my bedroom.

I sit on the edge of my bed and look at my phone. It is almost 11 PM. I get angry, my grief has turned to anger. But I am angry with myself. I can't be mad at Yasmine, maybe because she doesn't answer her phonecalls and doesn't read my messages. But nothing more.

I try to reach her again. But she hangs right up.
Ruel: "Fuck."
I lose control and I throw my phone at the wall, hitting it hard.
I push my back against the wall and slide down and sit on the floor with my hands in my hair.

Just when I want to close my eyes my room is lit up a bit more. It is my phone, which fortunately has remained intact. I quickly reach out my arm and answer the call.

(Yasmine's pov)
It drove me crazy. My head is working overtime and I can't take it anymore. I'm going to tell him.

Ruel: "Yasmine?" He asks desperately.
I pause for a moment, wondering if I should hang up after all.

Yasmine: "Um, I don't know how I'm going to start this."
Ruel: I'm so sorry. Really. I- "
Yasmine: "Ruel can you please listen to me." I cut him off.

I'm going to try to hold back my tears. I'm not going to try to be weak.

Yasmine: "I've read your texts. And I know you're sorry. I know you're trying your best to make it right. And I want to try. But it's not that easy. You're constantly on my mind. But I don't know what to do, I don't know what will be best. Ruel I want you to know that you mean a lot to me. And that I'm going to do my best for you. But to heal a wound, you have to stop touching it... I would like you to give me time and space to regain your trust."
He remains silent and does not say anything.
Yasmine: "I'm sorry."
Ruel: Darcie, I get it. I'll do my best. It just really scares me now." There is pain in his voice.
Yasmine: "It will be okay. We just need to have a little faith in each other .... Good night Ruel."
Ruel: "Sleep well." He says.

I am alone with my thoughts again and I start to cry. So loud that I start to sob. I stare at the ceiling and tears stream down my cheeks into my pillow. It's off my heart, the only thing that hasn't happened yet is let the wound heal. But somewhere in the back of my mind is that this is never going to be all right again. That there will always be something going on. Something that prevents me from trusting him. Or I get in my way again. I will lock and screen myself from him. Somewhere I am stopped, although I get so much happiness out of myself when I am with him. That's why I want to give him another chance. I know how sorry he is. But it hurts myself. This is going to be more difficult than you might think. I've had to try this before, but it's been on a whole different level. I will have to rely on him and myself and take a very big risk.

Yesterday demanded so much energy from me that I fell asleep quickly. Unfortunately, I woke up again from a nightmare. I rub my hands over my face and turn to my alarm clock to check the time. Almost six in the morning. Then I might as well get out of bed and get ready for school.

About 2 hours later I get out the door and walk towards school.

I walk through the school hallways and just into the hallway where I see Ruel. My feet stop walking and he looks my way. I commit myself to give him a little smile and it doesn't even feel so crazy when he gives one back to me too. I put my thoughts aside and walk on to Ruel's side. He leaves me alone and continues talking to a friend of his who I don't know very well. Okay this went pretty well, right? There is nothing wrong.

It is lunch break and the five of us are sitting on the grass near the sports fields. It is now nice weather to be outside.

June: "Shall we have fun this weekend?" She asks us.
Yasmine: "Sorry I can't, I have an appointment with someone this weekend. But you can do something."
I'm not avoiding it. I seriously have an appointment this weekend. In Beachwood cafe.
Ruel: "Actually, I can't. Maybe Sunday, but I'm not sure."
June: "Okay, it doesn't matter. And the rest?"

I lie down on the grass and wander away. I can hear the conversations softly in the background but otherwise I look at the blue sky above me. I softly hear Ruel ask Blake how I'm doing. I know they spoke while I was away from school. It's okay. Blake is the only one who knows me really well and can help others when it comes to me. He has a big heart and will never just let you down. He will always be there for me and also for others when they need him. Even when it comes to his best friend, who has lost her trust in others.

Then Ruel is standing next to me and reaches out to help me up. But I shake no.
Ruel: "Jeez. Okay, fine. Then I will not help you." He says, after which he walks away from us irritated and with a sigh.
I just don't want to touch him. I'm afraid the terrible feeling will reappear. I don't feel very well getting close to him, so I've been trying to avoid him all day long. But that is not very easy if you have formed the same group of friends.

I get off the ground and we all walk back in, to our classrooms where we have lessons. For a moment I had forgotten that I had already have a lesson with Ruel. A few days ago I could say that I always looked forward to those lessons, but that has actually been the other way around. With difficulty I enter the classroom and sit as far away from him as possible. He looks at me and follows me with his eyes until I find a place. When I turn to look at him he drops his eyes sadly again. Then a bag falls on the table next to me with a bang, it is Maeve who hastily sits next to me while she keeps talking. I have no idea what she's actually talking about, but she doesn't seem to care or she really doesn't notice.

Maeve: "You know someone is looking at you all the time, right?" Maeve says softly but with energy in her voice.
I take my eyes out of my book on the table in front of me and look at her.
Yasmine: "I know. I can feel his hazel green eyes burning in my back."
I take a deep breath and get back to what I was doing. Distract my mind from other things.

It's the end of the school day and I plan to just leave the building until I get stopped by someone calling my name.
Ruel: "Yasmine, can you wait for me?"
I can hear him speed up to walk next to me when I'm not going to stop. But I'll stop and wait for him to get to me. I look at him questioningly and wait for him in silence.
Ruel: "Can I please talk to you?"
Yasmine: "Ruel you know what I said yesterday. I need some distance. To be honest this is hard enough. I'm not trying to get too close to you for nothing. Okay?"
Ruel: "But it really gets in my way."
Yasmine: "I heard and read what you wanted to tell me. And to be honest, yes I thought your voicemails were super beautiful and they made me cry. But I can't do this right now. I can't speed up the trust process, only slow it down. And I think it's best if we try to keep our distance for the time being. "
Ruel: "Okay, but-"
Yasmine: "Ruel please. Don't you realize that from then on I've been avoiding you all the time?
He looks me deep into my eyes, first there is an angry look and then it softens to a sad look, then he walks away from me without saying anything.