Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 94

Yasmine: "Where are we going?" I ask when I realize that we are not going home yet.

Ruel: "That is a surprise." Ruel replies as he shrugs at the same time.

His fingers tapped happily on the steering wheel in front of him. He glances over his shoulder to my side, runs a hand through my hair and pats the head of the seal on my lap. It is white with a bit of gray in its fur. It stands on its front legs, resting its belly and hind legs on the ground. It looks up slightly, as if it were begging for fish for the caretaker.

Ruel asks if I've already thought of a name. I could go with the casual 'y' after her name, but it doesn't deserve it. Maybe it will be Alani. It means orange tree. It does look like it would love oranges. I don't know if it's allowed, but it's the idea.

Because the sun starts to get lower and lower, it starts to shine into the car in some parts. It means that we have to put the small sun visors down so as not to be dazzled. You notice that the sun behaves differently because of the time of year. Nature will behave differently. But the sun on your skin feels very nice. It's so warm and embracing. Especially on a day when it is cold and you are standing in front of the window where the sun shines in. Ideally you would like to stand there forever, but you are abandoned by the sun itself. It will go down anyway.

We drive into a parking lot that doesn't make me suspect anything, the only thing nearby is a small supermarket. I have no idea where I am. Where this should be. It's very quiet here.

Ruel takes my hand in his and leads me to the corner shop. It's a jewelry store.

Yasmine: "I can already see it. You secretly just want to know what I like exactly and then choose an engagement ring for me." I say jokingly. "I can see the pattern."

He smiles and pushes the door open for me.

Ruel: "That's what you secretly wanted. Didn't you?"

I roll my eyes at him.

Ruel: "Yasmine Darcie Gray, now you have to watch out."

We are taken all the way to the back of the store. Not necessarily because there are so many people in the store, because there was no one there. They are even going to close in a while. But we're here because we need to be here for what we're going to do. I wouldn't even know what we're going to do. He didn't even tell me one thing about it.

We have taken a seat at a large table when the woman who came to help us arrives with a very large box with all kinds of rings. Most are slightly wider rings than you would normally see here. She explains exactly what we are going to do. We get to choose a model ring and then she will engrave it for us with each other's initials in the inside or outside. This way you can choose whether it should be visible to others or only to yourself if you have it engraved on the inside. This idea is too cute. Sometimes I forget that he is so creative in his thinking. That he writes all kinds of poetry and comes up with ideas for anything and everything himself.

The woman leaves us alone and says that we can call when we are ready. I bend over all the rings on the table in front of us. I'm sure there will be stress of choice because they are all so beautiful. Some have incorporated stones, others have a separate pattern. The models are very different from each other. That's what makes the choice so great.

I'm really falling in love with one now and I think Ruel is too. The rings we have chosen are very similar. Only mine is a little more subtle. Slightly thinner in model. Although Ruel's goes well with the rings he wears now.

Ruel: "I'll wear it on my left ring finger for the idea."

It is the only finger that is directly connected to your heart. The finger on which the wedding ring is placed. The vein of love. It suits him beautifully.

My ring has RVD on the inside and YG on the inside in his. It feels more special when only we know what exactly is on it. And it's not about the fact that we're not proud of our relationship, because I'm sure we are. I am very grateful for it. But he mine and mine alone, so it's always directly connected to my skin.

I give him my hand as he tries to slide my ring over the left ring finger and kisses my hand. And so I do with his. It feels too real to hold his hand like this. The ring is unbelievably beautiful.

Yasmine: "I got close."

Ruel: "Something like that. You're still marked as mine." There's a naughty look in Ruel's eyes as he lets those words flow from his lips.

Ruel settles the bill, I notice the moment we step outside that it has already become dusk. Apparently we're not going to the car yet. We walk a little further to find a place where we can eat something. It is not a very big place but there are enough restaurants. More than enough. For the safe choice, we walk into an Italian. The restaurant has red and green accents. There are Italian statues and paintings on the wall. The background music from the spies has an Italian accent that makes me laugh cautiously, but somehow it's entertaining. The plates of pizza dance past us as the waiter passes us.  It smells delicious.

We are seated at table 12 in the corner with no window. The place is only lit by a bit of mood lighting on the ceiling and the candles on the table. The fire flickers in the glass jar. It brings a ray of light into Ruel's eyes.

Ruel almost puts his phone on silent when he sees Sylvie calling him. I tell him to just pick it up and try to listen in. She asks if Ruel will pick them up from the airport tomorrow. That's right, Kate and Ralph are already at work. He is given the flight number so he can keep an eye on when they land. I want to come with him, but how smart is that idea. Not the smartest. But we also went out together today so it probably just went wrong because I had very visible bruises all over my body and was holding his hand there which made it stand out. People are too curious and like to get to the bottom of everything. Even if they sometimes have to make up the truth themselves.

These last days I feel like I'm getting too dependent on him. I can be on my own but it feels better with him. And maybe that makes sense, but if I don't let him go into the things he does and wants to do, I think I'd be glued to him the whole time. Now I still go to school, sometimes. He's at work. Goes to Sony studios, writes with other artists, goes to football. When I point out to him that the waves are good, he goes surfing. It still feels like I see him too often. And it's not that crazy, I live with him. I love him with all my heart, but I'm going to get separation anxiety if he's gone for more than a day or two. I'm getting used to the feeling of the filled-in hole.

Ruel proudly shows me part of a lyric he wrote with PJ Harding.

My mask is always slipping cause we're living in a time where the best of men and women can still lose their fucking minds.

Is this even real life, cause underneath my skin lies a bone that didn't heal right.

It's very beautiful. I think a lot of people can relate to the lyrics, even though it's not even finished yet and I've only read a small part. It always amazes me how he can put such sentences on paper, I know it helps him with processing events and feelings, but still. Writing songs is therapeutic, only it is without a therapist. You can gain insight into your feelings yourself and process them in this way.

The food has been brought and it looks delicious. We both have pizza. Any crust I have left I pass on to Ruel, because for some reason he eats them and can still seriously enjoy them. Usually they taste so dry. That also doesn't matter.

I have to laugh as the whole slice of salami slides off Ruel's pizza and the burning flesh hits his chin, leaving a tomato sauce spot. I offer him a napkin as he tries to tear off half of the slice so he can eat it later. He looks at me with a look that I have to stop laughing, but I also see him smiling. Still I try to hold back my smile for him but I just can't help it.  Amusement.

Despite the fact that everything is now finished, we still sit. It is cozy and loving here, the only thing is that we are both starting to get tired. Ruel still has to drive so I suggest we go home. Then I can take a shower after a long day and enjoy today. It makes me look at my ring glistening in the light. It reminds me of the soft seal waiting for me. It reminds me of his smile, his expressive eyes, the pleasure he radiates. However, I will first rest my head against the car window when I hear the wind whizzing past the car and therefore do not fall asleep.