Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 79

Last night I hung over the toilet vomiting. I couldn't leave that place, so I just sat there on the cold floor. Hoping that all the liquid from my stomach was gone. However, I also did not dare to sleep. Afraid of meeting him again. To go through the same thing again. Luckily I wasn't all alone to be absorbed by my own thoughts. Ruel woke up because of me and stayed with me. I thought it was sad because he really needed his sleep. His eyes were poofy and kept almost closing when he sat next to me. His voice was weak. Did everything very slowly. If he had laid his head down, he would have left this world to meet his dreams. It is therefore not surprising that he just took a nap. Never thought I would feel so sick. That I would lie in bed with my body feeling like hot coals and blocks of ice at the same time. That the pressure on my chest should almost make me throw up again. But I want nothing more than to lie here, hope I'm safe here. That nothing will happen to me if I put my feet on the floor.

We should go back to school today, but that is not possible for me for the time being. I'm not protesting, but I do miss my friends. Blake would drop by after school. Until then, Ruel and I watch Black Widow. If at least his eyes don't close when he puts his head on my shoulders.

A few minutes after Ruel comes back with tea and lies on his stomach on the bed, as I hear the doorbell ring. Subconsciously I am getting more and more enthusiastic.

I listen to the footsteps in the hallway and the soft chatter of the voices. Coco has taken Blake upstairs and leads him to Ruel's room while they discuss fashion. I hear Blake's laugh on the other side of the wall and I immediately get a smile on my face. Although that hurts.

The door opens and two heads are looking around the corner.

Blake: "Damn. You look beautiful." Blake jokes as he walks in.

I can't help but start laughing.

He sits down next to my legs on the bed. I missed him so much. I can't remember when I last saw him. I have spoken to him, but hearing someone's voice in real life feels different. Seeing someone in person feels more special.

Blake: "And how was your vacation?" Blake asks enthusiastically.

Ruel, who was just leaning on his elbows, now rises a little more.

Ruel: "It was-" Ruel is interrupted as the hand playfully shoves into his face. This causes him to fall back a bit, but he comes back up.

Blake: "I wasn't talking to you Van Dijk." Teases Blake with a grin on his face.

I have to hold back my laughter and bite my lip. This was exactly the energy I needed.

Then I start telling the stories of the holiday. For a moment it takes my mind off the real reason I'm in bed, the real reason Blake is here. It's like floating in soft clouds until you finally crash again.

I am watched with full attention. Heard and admired. When I get to the story about the tattoo I am of course persuaded to show it. It's not that Blake hasn't seen it. He only saw it in a photo. Not for real. In addition, it is already healing more. Just a little longer and the place will be as it always should be, only with a few black lines.

I get up and have to grab the bed for a moment when I see stains forming before my eyes. I am very weak at the moment. I don't get much food and hardly do anything. Still, I get up and show the spot on my hip bone to Blake. He wants to run his fingers over the lines but pulls his hand back halfway through.

Yasmine: "It's okay. It's almost cured."  I assure him.

His hand comes back and strokes the skin. It's still fascinating. It won't do much harm if he touches my skin. There's hardly any bacteria that can get to it, so it won't deteriorate the tattoo in the process.

Blake: "Oh then I have something too."

Blake pulls his shirt off his head and turns his back to me.

Ruel;  "Ho ho. It's not a strip club here." Ruel is trying to say it as seriously as possible. But he starts laughing at the end of his sentence.

There is a tattoo on Blake's shoulder blade. Which I've never seen. He never told me this. It is a tattoo that consists of one long line. Because of all the curves and overlaps, it forms two minimalist faces. It's the side of their face so you can see the lips brushing against each other. It does look pretty nice.

Yasmine: "Since how long have you had these on your body?" I ask out of curiosity.

Blake: "Almost a month now." Blake says innocently.

And he never told me. Why not? I do not get it. I've always told him almost everything. I wouldn't know what he doesn't know about me by now.

Yasmine: "You are really sneaky. I will not share any more information with you from now on." I say with a fake slightly irritated tone.

Blake: "Yas you've been really busy lately." He plays along.

Yasmine: "I always have time for you. You know that. It's okay. But next time I'll be there to hold your hand."

Blake approaches and holds up his little finger. That's what I do with mine. I bring my hand to his and hook my little finger around his little finger.

Blake: "Promise."

We talk for the rest of the afternoon. Ruel has since left us and has gone to an appointment with Nate. I have no idea what exactly he was up to, but I'll let him do his job. That's more important than listening to these not very useful conversations. Yet they make me laugh. It's the little inside jokes that make us smile.

Blake: "I recently passed a pathetic stray kitten." Blake says in a slightly sad tone. "She reminded me a bit of you."

I get up and punch him in the forearm. I would have liked to hit as hard as possible, but I don't have that much power and energy today.

Blake: "Ouch." He yells as he grabs his arm.

Yasmine: "You softie. You deserved it." I say with a grin on my face.

But then my mind goes back to what he just said.

Yasmine: "But what did you do with it?" I ask.

Blake says he called his mother. Almost begging to take the cat home and nurse it there. Unfortunately, his mother told him to take the cat to the shelter. But when his mother got to Blake and the cat, it was impossible for her to resist it. She couldn't drop her off there. The cat is now recovering in a warm and safe home. I'll have to stop by soon then. Animals are such special animals. They do something that takes away all your worries and yet they are themselves. Maybe it's because animals seem to sense you. That they know when you feel bad and when you don't. When they need to be with you or better stay away. They have a kind of healing energy.

It is late afternoon and I feel my body getting tired. That my eyes are getting heavier. Blake said goodbye to me so I could get some sleep before it was time for dinner. I need the energy for tomorrow. The nerves race through me just thinking about it. And yet I've been to that place so many times. It's nothing new. I know I'm safe there. Then what scares me so much?