Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 72

(Yasmine's pov)
Last night really broke me. I slept very restless and I can't get ahead. If only my nightmares were less intense, I could at least get more sleep. But almost every night I am reminded of things that happened. Some times more intense than others. Sometimes it's very small pieces, other times it's the main event. They are things that are yet to come, although I don't know that at all. But it's programmed in my head so that it comes to life in my dreams. Like the fear of being chased by Ethan. That he's holding me at gunpoint. Then he can better take me  and put an end to it than that I have to experience everything all over again. I'm afraid they're going to hurt the people I love. To threaten.  Blackmailing. Taking life in a way I don't want to think about again. The worse I sleep, the more likely I am to have hallucinations. So then everything really comes to life, because I know that I'm awake.

I'm in the bathroom when I hear my phone ring. Fuck I forgot to set it to do not disturb. I know who's calling, but I don't want to hear from her. Not for several days.

Ruel: "Yas your phone rings!" Ruel yells from the other room.

Yasmine: "Let it go. I don't want to talk!"

I hear him start moving and hope he stops. And then he stops for a moment. In silence.

Ruel: "But it's your mother."

I roll my eyes. Sigh and gather my courage again. The phone has since stopped. Not because Ruel answered the call, but because it took too long.

With a pounding heart I walk back into the room. Can't she just leave me alone for one moment. Don't interfere with me.

Ruel stands concerned next to my phone on the nightstand and looks at my screen which is on. Lighted by the messages that come in. He looks at me with his head held high. There is almost pain in his eyes. But I don't quite understand why.

Ruel: "They've called you almost a hundred times and you still don't answer." I don't know if this is a question or an observation. Because yes it is correct and I have my answer ready. I don't want anything to do with them anymore.

Ruel: "What if something happened at home?"

It's none of my business. They haven't lost me. They know where I am. If something has happened, I will hear it in a different way. But not from them. Whoever of the three calls me. They make my ears ring. Make my heart beat out of my chest. Squeezing my lungs. Getting the blood from under my fingernails. Even when they're not even physically in front of me.

My phone rings again. Ruel's eyes move toward the screen at the same time as mine. I take a few strides forward and snatch my phone off the nightstand and pull it out of the charger. Turn off the sound and decline the call. By means of the red button. The seductive button.

There is disappointment in his eyes but my blood is boiling. I thought he would understand.

Yasmine: "Leave it! Okay? I don't have the energy for this bullshit right now."

I really need to lock myself up somewhere before I explode. I wipe all the messages away that are on the screen. Not paying attention to its content.

I lock myself up for a little longer. I have to drop it off me if I don't want to break him. It is completely silent on the other side of the wall.

And then the guilt starts to take over my body. He meant well. I know. It would be better for me if my relationship with my family gets better. I just don't know if I'll ever get the chance to do that again. Want to do that. We hate each other. Lightly expressed. Because sometimes I want to come into the house at night and put a bullet through their heads while they lie quietly in their beds. But I still have that bit of self-control.

As I take a deep breath and walk out of the bathroom I scan the room. Ruel is out of the room. He's nowhere. Not on the bed, not by the window. I get hot. Very hot. Now I screwed up again. I plop down on the bed. My head tucked in my hands. Shaking hands.

After a few minutes I hear the beeping of the device at the door. The one the pass goes in to gain access. The door handle goes down and the door opens gently. I hear his footsteps. And peace returns.

Yasmine: "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have raised my voice to you." I say as Ruel throws his car keys and the charger on the desk.

Ruel: "It's okay. I understand."

He sits down next to me on the bed and wraps an arm around me. Presses a kiss to my forehead and then I fall into his arms. Listen to his heart beating against the layer of skin. I feel it. His pace slows mine down. They go in sync. I've never really consciously noticed that when I give him a hug.

Ruel: "I didn't just talked away from you. I just went to the car to grab something." Ruel assures me without me asking. But he seems to be able to read my mind. I thought he wanted to get away from me. That I had really made him very angry or sad. That I reacted too violently for him. That's how it felt afterwards. And maybe it was. I just can't do much about it at the moment. It's the way the stimuli come to me.

I feel guilty. Very guilty. For a moment I forgot that Ruel is about to have an interview. He was, of course, slightly tense. Why do I have to pick this time to raise my voice to him now. I know he's sensitive to that. I can see from his hands that he is nervous. His hands tremble slightly and he cracks his knuckles.

Together we renovate the room a bit. I pull the desk out of its place and move it closer to the bed. In this way, his laptop can rest on it. That way he doesn't suffer from light either. It's still too boring a picture. So I decide to pull the plants out of place. Slide it across the floor to the spot in the background. Better.

Ruel: "Maybe you should become an interior designer." Ruel says with a laugh as he looks around the converted room.

I see his eyes go to time. He still has a while, but it's already haunting his head.

Yasmine: "Is there anything else I need to help you with before I leave?" I carefully ask him as I put on my shoes.

I have to give him some space. Especially when it comes to his career. I have now delved into it. But it's not up to me to rule over that. I don't know what kind of things he wants to share, what's being asked. So I think it's better if I distance myself and just go for a walk outside. That way he can answer as honestly as he wants. Lie as he pleases or remain silent. Then I won't distract him either.

Ruel: "No thanks. I'll be fine."

I put on an jacket and put my phone in my pocket.

Before I leave I walk to Ruel. I give him a kiss on the lips and check what he looks like. Carefully I do his hair well. Again and again it feels like my hands are sliding through silken locks when I feel his hair.

Yasmine: "Beautiful."  I say with a nod.

I walk into the woods, knowing I might flip. Just because I'm alone. Here in this place. Somehow it scares me. That thought combined with the place. But it's always, if you think it's going to happen, it's going to happen. So I have to get rid of it.

I look around for a moment. Not over my shoulder, but I turn around. Looking at the hotel behind me. Through the leaves I can see the windows glistening in the sun. The curious side in me wonders how it goes in there. What kind of questions he gets. I know some questions will make him uncomfortable. That is very often. But nobody can really do anything about that. Secretly I want to hear him talk with passion about something that he really likes to do. Making music and performing. And yet I walk here. Voluntarily.

Tomorrow morning we go home. We've been here for a few days now and enough has happened. We may not tell everything when we get back to Sydney. Keeping things secret isn't all that bad this time around. Even though I'm sure a few people would like to hear the spicy details. I'll tell them about the date Ruel arranged, about the waterfalls, the tattoo. But certainly not everything. I am not a diary. I've had some lovely special days. There is no turning around. I was happy. I still am.