Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 65

*End flashback*

Ruel suddenly looks very shocked at the water that flows below us.

Ruel: "And then what happened?" He asks quickly, looking for more information.
I shrug and put my feet back on the bridge. After which I look at the water with him.

Yasmine: "I have no idea what happened after that. Later I was told that I came into the hospital completely hypothermic and blue."
Ruel: "But you don't know who called the ambulance?"
I shake my head.

I had hoped I knew. If they hadn't been there, I would still have died. But then to hypothermia. No one ever showed up when we asked, or registered when the ambulance arrived.

Ruel: "Do you feel safe standing here with me?" he asks concerned.
Yasmine: "Yeah, why?"

He gets a playful grin on his face and stands with his arms folded.

Ruel: "Maybe I signed a contract with those weird men and my plan was to throw you off the bridge, but I've fallen in love with you so much that I won't because I'll regret it." Ruel says very seriously.
Yasmine: "Ooh that would be a very toxic relationship then." I play along.
Yasmine: "But no, I don't believe you."

Because I trust him. I have trusted him and it does me good. Very good even.

His heart skips a beat. I see that. He suddenly gets a boost of energy. He gets cuddly. I wrap my arms around his torso and press face against his chest. His head rests on mine. Tighter and tighter his arms wrap around my body. Safe and warm. Suddenly this place takes on a different feel. It started with fear, then it became sadness and now it is peace. Like he's making me accept that's how it happened. Who knows what would have happened then. I probably didn't even know Ruel. I can't imagine what it's like to live without oxygen. He keeps me alive. He makes sure I can still breathe.

We walk a larger amount through the forest and take in the beauty of the world. The enchanting, the magical. The things you'd miss if you weren't paying attention.

Yasmine: "Is it okay if I go to the tattoo shop this afternoon?" I ask Ruel as I wrap my hand around his.
Ruel: "Would you like to have a new one?" he asks curiously.
Yasmine: "Maybe. I just wanted to share the idea with Evan."

And I haven't seen him in a while. I'm curious how he's doing. So this is a good reason to visit him. I've had this idea for a new tattoo for a while now. It has a beautiful meaning. I just don't think anyone will ever know. Not the completely honest version.

Ruel: "I can come with you if you want."
I nod my head.
Yasmine: "I'd love to."

And so we have now ended up in the center. The narrow streets make it cozy. Sometimes there are some tables and chairs outside when we get to the secluded special terraces. I can still remember well that I had also found a very nice bakery here. But I think it eventually went bankrupt. I always wanted to get my bread from there. It always smelled so good there. You suddenly got an appetite when you walked by. One street smells of sweets yet fresh scent of flowers and plants, although the others smell of sweat, drugs and alcohol. And exactly at the crossroads of that is the tattoo shop. It looks scarier than it actually is, but I know it scares Ruel too. I take his hand and push open the door to walk in.

It's completely quiet. No people. Not even the sound of the devices. Ruel looks around with admiration in his eyes, at the interior and the drawings on the wall.

Evan comes out of a hallway at the back of the store and greets me enthusiastically.

Yasmine: "Can I please give you a hug?" I ask Evan.
He gets a smile on his face and spreads his arms as he walks towards us.

Evan: "How are you?" He asks me when he let go of me.
Yasmine: "Things are going well now. Much better than before."

It pleases him to hear that. I told him some stories when I sometimes spent my time here. He has always listened to me carefully. At least I had someone willing to listen to me. There weren't that many.

Ruel shakes Evan's hand and introduces himself as we sit down at the table against the wall. Evan looks at me wide-eyed, admiring. He looks at Ruel and then back at me. Like he wants to tell me something. As if he wants to say that he is very happy that I found someone who makes me happy. Which certainly seems so at first glance.

We discuss what is possible together and I show a few ideas of what I would like. I've wanted a minimalist sparkle star on the front of my right hip bone for a while now. It's very specific, but that's because of the meaning behind it. I also wanted to touch up the tattoo on my middle finger because it is fading. It's been a long time since it was set.

Ruel looks at us listening, resting his head on his hands. But I'm taking him out of his concentration.

Yasmine: "Would you like one too? It's at my expense." I say with a smile. I know he doesn't make last minute decisions like that. Especially not when it comes to something that will be on your body forever. I don't either. It seems like that. But behind every tattoo there is a meaning and it has been well thought out.

Ruel: "I want the text kleine poep on my arm." he says with a laugh.

I once heard a story from his mother that she called him that when she used to be angry at him. I can still hear it being screamed around the house sometimes, but not because she's angry. Just because Ruel was up to something.

Evan: "I'll work it all out. I think I'll have a spot the day after tomorrow."

There are a few scribbles on a piece of paper which he puts in a thin leather folder. And slides to the end of the table.

We talk for a while until the next customer comes in. I missed him. Really and truly. I missed this place. The pain you feel here is a better alternative than hurting yourself. Besides, it's really worth it.

We say goodbye. For now. Because I'll be back the day after tomorrow. I'm tense but secretly I'm looking forward to it. It remains special. When an idea that has been in your head for so long is worked out the way you want it and that you can always carry it with you. It's a few black lines, but I get more support out of them than you might think.

Ruel: "Can I be there when you get the tattoo done?" Ruel asks carefully as I grab his hand as he has just closed the door behind him.

We walk through the narrow street in the center, with no specific destination. Maybe the car, maybe a place to eat. It's all fine. Walking is also nice.

Yasmine: "If you want to, you can." I answer when my eyes meet his. The eyes I can get lost in for minutes, hours, days, like a labyrinth of dead ends. But there is a path that leads to his heart, it is seeking, but when you find it you will not forget the way.

Ruel: "But you want the tattoo on your hip bone. Would you be comfortable with me then?" he asks uncertainly. It makes a small smile roll over my lips. He's so careful, but not in a bad way. He is very caring. He listens to me and pays attention to the things he does that might make me uncomfortable. He is now getting to know me very well.

Yasmine: "Ruel it's okay. You can be there... If you're going to feel uncomfortable then don't." I reassure him.
Ruel: "It's okay." The corners of his mouth curl up slightly and a smile comes to his face. That one smile that makes a fire burn inside me, crackling like a campfire. It's so warm, just as strong. And I hope he has exactly the same fire. This is how we keep each other warm.