Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 33

We are on the bed chatting when my phone rings.

I reach for my phone on the nightstand. But when I read the name I roll my eyes. Tired, I roll off the bed, walk to the small balcony and close the door behind me.

Yasmine: "What?"
Mom: "Young lady. What the fuck is your problem!"
Yasmine: "Ho ho, what is this about?"

I probably know what it's about. But you never know with her. So I have to be sure. If it is not about this afternoon's incident then I admit that I did.

Mom: "Hit Austin in the jaw. Are you crazy!"
Yasmine: "He deserved it." I say calmly. With one hand on my side I look at the trees that surround the house.
Mom: "You really have to watch out. I'm all done with you. You're a problem child."

Ouch. My eyes are starting to get watery. It remains my mother. And even though I know what she is like, it still hurts. I am not a problem child. It only appears that way because they act the way they do. I try not to be a problem child, I just protect myself.

Yasmine: "I'm done with you too! Now it's my fault again of course. You just should never have given him permission. And he shouldn't have turned up here. And certainly not in the house. If he ever took one more step inside our house, you lost me. "
Mom: "He is your father and has the right to speak and see you."
Yasmine: "Well, not at all from a legal point of view."
Mom: "Still no reason to hit him in the jaw. It could have been broken.
Yasmine: "First of all, I don't care about that. Secondly, he may be lucky that I didn't hit his nose."
Mom: "Yasmine. I don't like this behavior."
Yasmine: "Likewise."

I don't act like that because I like and want it. But I act like that because I have to protect myself. And don't want to be trapped in a cage of fear that they create.

Yasmine: "I hate you with all my heart!Forget about coming home to you psychopaths today!"
Mom: "And now it is-"

I leave the conversation. I am completely done with them. I rub my cheek with my palm of my hand to wipe away the tear.

Then I turn around and look in inside through the window. Ruel sits on the edge of the bed and looks at me concerned. My lower lip starts to shake slightly. When I open the door he gets up and puts out his arms. I fly into his arms and tears run down my cheeks. He gently rubs my back with one hand and the other is hidden between my hair. My head is on his chest and I keep him really close.

Ruel: "Sshh Sshh Sshh, it's okay." He says calming.

After a while he lets go of me and takes my hands in his hands and holds them tight.

Ruel: "Hey, look at me." He orders. But in a soft, sweet way.

With difficulty I get my eyes up but then I see his beautiful hazel green eyes.

Ruel: "You are not going home if you don't feel safe there anymore. Yasmine, I want to see you happy. I want to see those sparkles in your eyes. I want you to feel safe and at home with someone. I really don't care who. As long as I see you happy. "

Tears run down my cheeks. With difficulty I keep my eyes connected to Ruel's. I prefer to lower my gaze now.

His thumbs caress my cheeks when he has let go of my hands.

I feel safe with him. But some fears will never go away.

It is evening and I sat outside. My feet are in the dark water of the pool. The stars shine brightly and the light of the moon illuminates the rolling waves in the water as I gently move my feet.

I don't know why I don't panic from the pool now. It remains scary and the fears remain. But I'm just calm now. I watch the waves roll through the pool. I look at the reflection of the light. I seem to like it. But I don't know what makes it different now. Then that time on the beach I had Ruel, but now I'm really alone here. I can be afraid that someone will suddenly come and push me into the pool and I will not get out. But actually I am not.

We have all decided that sometimes I can stay at home here at Ruel's if I don't feel safe at home. It helps most of the people here know of my past. They want me to be okay and I get that. Still, it doesn't feel quite right to be allowed to stay with them just like that. I cannot fully accept the offer. I never want to be home again, but I also don't want to saddle other people with problems of mine. In any case, it is good to know that I can go somewhere if I want to.

I stare in the dark when someone sits next to me. My eyes look aside and I see that Kate has sat down with me. She rolls up her pants a bit and also drops her feet in the water.

Yasmine: "Sorry." I say softly.
Kate: "Sweetheart, you don't have to apologize. We know it is not your fault. You are always welcome with us."

She puts an arm around my shoulder and I lower my head onto her shoulder.

Kate: "I think you guys get along quite well, don't you?"

Butterflies escape again and fly through my stomach at the thoughts.

Yasmine: "Yes." I say softly, almost muttering.

We all sit on the couch and watch love life. I just showered after getting cold outside. I am wearing sweatpants and Ruel's sweater. My hands are hidden in the sleeves to keep them warm. Ruel is sitting in the corner on the couch and I am lying against him between his legs. With my head resting against his chest.

I have my hand out of sight of the others and Ruel is gently playing with my fingers. I get even warmer inside and I can feel my cheeks glowing.

We may have become just a little more than friends. But no one should know yet. That's better for everyone. And so far we are still sticking to that. Okay, maybe there are a few things you can doubt us. For example, in the way we now sit and look at each other. But then you have to pay attention to it.

I can feel my eyes getting heavier, just like my body.

Yasmine: "I'm going to sleep." I say when the episode ends.
Ruel: "I will go with you upstairs."

We get up from the couch and walk upstairs.

I get ready for bed and then walk into the guest room at the end of the hall. Ruel sits on the bed and looks around proudly. I look around the room lit by fairy lights. Just like in my room.

Yasmine: "Ahw, did you put this up for me?"
He nods and gets up.
Ruel: I saw that you had them in your room. And by chance I found another box this week. I thought, maybe you will feel more at home then, just like in your own room.
Yasmine: "You are such a cutie. Thank you."

I give him a hug and then go to bed. He sits on the ledge next to me and leans forward to give me a kiss.

Ruel: "Sleep well Darcie. You can always come to me if you prefer."
I give him a smile and wish him a good night's sleep. He turns off the lights and leaves the room.