Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 88

(Yasmine's pov)

A door slams shut with a loud noise. I can still hear Ruel shouting sorry very loudly, but then he is gone. Not a single sound can be heard anymore. Just the sound of car tires in the driveway, backing up and leaving this place. I walk to the window to look but he has already left. I don't think he told us where he was going to, but he must have been in a hurry. Maybe a last minute studio session.

Everyone is busy but I see Wilbur lingering around me, so I decide to take him outside. As long as he doesn't dare to jump into even a little bit of water, because then I see myself having to clean him later. I put him on a leash and leave the house too. It's also good for me to go outside for a while and go for a walk. I haven't been outside enough after stumbling through the streets with a bleeding nose with a body full of pain. Wilbur is old but I think he can manage to walk to the woods. Walking among the trees is much more relaxing. With the leaves crackling under your feet. The smell of the wet wood that enters your nose because it rained a few hours ago. Hearing the chirping birds that are now out of hiding and happy to be able to fly free again. So is Wilbur. You can see him really come alive here. His tail wags quickly back and forth and he is almost jumping on his paws. The cheerful look in his eyes is very touching. Even me it does a lot of good.

Arrived home, Ruel's car is still not back. I check my phone to see if maybe he sent something about where he was or what was going on or something like that, but there's none. There is nothing. No news whatsoever.

I decide to go to Blake to surprise him after his vacation. They must be unpacking everything, but I'll slip through. I want to hear the stories. Just know how they've had it. Because I missed him. Secretly yes.  I don't see him that often anymore. I don't really understand why either. I just can go to him, he doesn't live that far from me. But my head is just busy with other things I guess.

I grab the skateboard from the garage, haven't seen it in a long time either. So long that it was hidden behind a few boxes. I've missed the feeling of the wind in your hair when you drive down. Harder than you pushed yourself. The feeling of freedom that flows through your body has never been higher in this way. It's like you can go all over the world like that. Zigzagging the asphalt, with your arms spread, your hand dancing over the waves of wind.

The board shoots out from under my feet and just barely slams into the car. Just not that the paint is damaged and you see a permanent scratch on it.

Blake: "Hey silly! I saw that." Blake yells from the house, laughing. He's standing in the hallway with the door open to pick up the last few items.

Yasmine: "I came to help you."

I prop the skateboard against the wall and help him with the last stuff.

He sets the things down in his room and rubs a hand over my head as he walks close to me.

Blake: "Little one."

Yasmine: "Oh. You have no right to speak." I say sternly. But it's as if the sharp lines are softened by the constant attack against each other, so it's not taken seriously.

Blake: "No okay. How's that long stick insect of yours?"

I briefly tell him what is going on. He probably got most of the information in one way or another, but I didn't tell him everything either. Some things I'll just keep between me and Ruel. You can come to me with sensitive information. I lock it in my heart and forget the code myself, so it can't roll over my tongue.

Yasmine: "But that's not what I came for? I want to know how you had it."

I listen carefully to his whole story when I have taken the place on his bed. It has been a holiday in nature. At the beach, in the mountains, in the woods. A blisters on your feet holiday, but I don't think it bothers him that much. Bite through in the middle for a moment and then through without thinking about your feet and legs. In the meantime, you are just fed with cookies and candy to keep your mouth shut and keep you happy. What else do you want? It sounds like a vacation I would have loved to have been on. But that will come, we are going on vacation after the exam. The tradition of the schoolies week where you go on holiday with your friends for a week. I can already hear the discussions about where we are going. I wouldn't even know who we're all going with. Ruel has since left school as a dropout to focus on his career, so it remains to be seen if he'll come along. He can come, in my opinion. But I also understand that it feels different then. I miss him when I walk through the school hallways during the week. But I see him all day. I shouldn't be so attached, but it's the feeling he conveys that I miss. School is kind of a safe but unsafe part for me because I'm never prepared for what can happen there. But luckily I have my friends who are there for me. Joking about Van Dijk when they see me isolating myself. Then every now and then I hear a slightly embarrassing but funny story about what they went through together in the past. It brightens my mood.

I spend the rest of my afternoon at Blake's because it remains fun. He may get a slap on the head later for not tidying up his things but it's his own room anyway. As punishment for breaking into the routine, I want to clean it up for him. However, he will have to indicate that himself because I certainly do not do that on my own. Then I would have gone mad.

I have made an appointment that we will meet again shortly. It doesn't matter whether it's at someone's home or it's a walk. By all means, we're going to have a drink together and just have a good time. It doesn't have to take hours, it's the amount you get out of the time to fill your needs. I will not break my promise.

The blood flows slightly to my head as I lie upside down on the bed. Opposite me on the floor is Blake, his legs crossed, carving his nails into the floor. It's quiet, but comfortably quiet. All I really hear is my heartbeat, which seems to be pounding faster in my head than in my chest. Only when I feel the world spinning too fast before my eyes do I lie on my stomach.

Yasmine: "Do people do bad things because bad things have been done to them?" I ask out of the blue.

His head shoots up to meet my gaze. His eyebrows are furrowed, leaving a wrinkle on his forehead. He tilts his head a few degrees to the right and says:

Blake: "That was random." A small smile flows from his lips, I missed it.

Blake: "I think so. I think we're looking for revenge somewhere to make things right. To make it all even... We don't just do things, often we have an intention. Whether that is conscious or not."

As I think about what he's just said, I give him a nod that he might be telling the truth. The corners of my mouth curl downwards as I tilt my head and nod.

Yasmine: "Actually, we are all possessed by an angel and a devil. In the end it is the loudest voice in your head that takes over. That will win the eternal battle."

I like devil's ears better on me. Perhaps also because it still feels familiar. It's like I was born with one pair and never got to take them off. I've worn them for as long as I can remember. It's a safe protection because I know I can be harder on the people around me than myself. I make my own skin thicker.

Yasmine: "Your angel is the leader." I say as I rest my head on my hands.

His facial expression softens. It's like the alignment of his eyes is melting together. His skin becomes even with a pink tint. Softie. He must remain protected from a society like this.