Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 31

Another week has already passed. Did I think it was going fast? No definitely not.

There has been a lot of hassle at home. Discussions about my father, therapy, my medications, even my friends, among other things. Sometimes I have screamed my lungs out. While the other time I panicked so badly that I had a panic attack. They know my weaknesses. And that is precisely what they respond to. Little respect is shown, I don't get the love I need, they just hurt me more and more. That is why I was often outside the house this week. I was often found alone. Out in the woods, with my skateboard on the street, sitting in a beachwood cafe. But I cannot deny that I did not seek my love from someone else. In the moments when I was vulnerable, I sought support. And I didn't want to see someone who knows my story completely. Not to someone who suddenly feels sorry for me. I wanted to be with someone who could just hold me and take the tension off me.

I have also experienced nice things. Ruel who loses a game of basketball and starts making excuses for himself why things didn't go the way he wanted. Ash who got rejected by a girl, because she doesn't liked his sister. Poor boy. June stumbling over her loose lace and fell into Liam's arms, suddenly causing the sexual tension to skyrocket and making it seem like they were about to kiss. I love such moments in life. Little simple things that make your day.

Ruel: "Are you going to do something today? Shall I drive you home?" He asks when he will come behind me.
I am standing in front of the school entrance and stare at the cars that pass by.
Yasmine: "Oh, um, no is not necessary. I'll be fine. I have a few more things to do today."
Ruel: "Okay. I'll see you later."
He runs his hand through my hair and then walks over to his car.

Today I have to go to therapy. But I'm a little tense. Because today I also have to test for my new medicines. I'm just worried they'll become heavier, which they probably become.

*City*
I am walking through the center and have just had therapy. With medical papers in hand, I walk towards the pharmacy.

And then I freeze with my heart pounding in my throat.
Ruel walks out of a store on his own and takes his phone out of his pocket. He raises the phone to his ear and starts talking. He's far away to hear him. But I don't want him to know that my medications have gotten heavier. I also find it difficult. And rather not have it either. The intention is that you reduce your medication and not build it up.

I decide to enter the pharmacy quietly and unseen. Only it is just opposite the shop where Ruel just came out.

I walk on with calm steps. My gaze focused on the pharmacy.

Ruel: "Yasmine!" I hear Ruel calling.
Oh shit. Just pretend nothing is wrong.

I turn and see him jogging towards me, I quickly put my hands behind my back.

Yasmine: "Hey." I say casually.
Ruel: "Hey, what are you doing here?"
I decide to tell half the truth anyway. I also don't like lying.
Yasmine: "Um, I had to buy some more stuff."
He nods and then frowns at my waist where my arms disappear behind my back.

Ruel: "Yas? What's that?" It comes out as a strict question, which scares me a bit.
Yasmine: "Nothing."
Fuck, my trembling voice gives me away.
Ruel: "Yas." His eyes look at me intently. My heart starts to beat faster, but that's because I really don't want him to know.

He extends his arm and I step back. But he is too fast again and grabs my wrist and then takes the papers. I try to get them back and grab them, but every time I want to get them he pulls them away. Until he puts his hand above his head and I can't reach it, even if I were on tiptoe.

Yasmine: "Ruel, please give back. I need them" I beg him.
But he doesn't listen and doesn't give it back. I give up, he unfolds the papers and my eyes start to get wet.