Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 42

I wake up with tears streaming down my face. For a moment it seems like I can't breathe anymore. As if my body no longer allows oxygen. I feel a pressure on my chest that won't go away. I panic and look around my room. It's just the way I left it before I left my room. My trembling hand goes to my forehead and gropes for a wound. But it is not there. I start to cry even louder.

Where is Ruel? I need to know what happened. I can't live with the fact that he is injured or even killed by me. Because it was my fault. I pulled him into this. I warned him, but of course he can't protect himself from them. They want me. They want to destroy me. Slowly they are breaking me. Until I can no longer pull myself forward. Then I'll have to surrender to them. But they should not include others in this. I want everyone to be safe. That is why I now also need to know what happened. Maybe I passed out right after the shot and therefore have no idea what happened.

I grope for my phone, tears blocking my view. My body is startled with sobs. It cannot stop shaking for fear and panic.

My finger doesn't press Ruel's name but calls Sylvie.

Yasmine: "Where is Ruel? Where is Ruel?" I panicked ask her right after she answered her phone. I can't stop trembling at the idea of ​​what happened.
Sylvie: "I think he's still sleeping in his bed. Do you need to talk to him?"
Yasmine: "What happened?" I ask her fast.
Sylvie: "What do you mean, what happened?"
Yasmine: "Is Ruel safe now?" I keep rattling on.
Sylvie: "Yes always already ... What happened then?"
I push the conversation off without answering her question. I have no strength for that right now.

While my body jerks on my exhalation, I let go of tension. It was a nightmare. It was just a nightmare. And I died for Ruel. I sacrificed my life for him. My heart breaks to pieces at what really happened between us. With difficulty I manage to forgive him and I am afraid that the last part will not work. No matter how hard I might have to try, if I really wanted to, I will succeed. At least for my head, not my body.

I walk to the bathroom to rinse the tears from my face, then go to the kitchen for a glass of water. The water feels like a rinse for my body and I immediately feel a little better.

I asked if Blake would pick me up at 10 am because I have to get away from home. I walk upstairs and get dressed. Almost on time, Blake pulls into the street and stops his car so I can get in.

We just spent the rest of the day together. It has been a long time since we have done anything like this. That he came to pick me up in the morning and then have breakfast. After which we go to his house and watch a movie, for example. But today I needed enough fresh air so we went to the beach. I was going to try. But I felt less safe, hearing the waves, than I felt when Ruel was with me the other times. But I got over that and we walked onto the beach. As far away from the sea as possible.

And now we have come to the time when we are waiting for the pizzas in the oven.

I'm staring out the window, which I can see from the dining table, just looking past Blake.

Blake: "Are you okay?"
It takes me a while to know he's talking to me. But no one else is around us.
Yasmine: "Mhm" I mutter, nodding my head softly.
He keeps looking at me and I don't dare to look him straight in the eye.  Afraid that I will soon start crying.
Blake: "I don't think so. But you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

My leg starts to get restless and moves up and down. But then the beeper of the oven goes on and Blake walks back to the kitchen, so I follow him.

We eat our pizza in silence. But it feels like the words have to come out of my throat and I can't swallow them anymore, because I'm already swallowing enough words. So the only way to get rid of them is to say it.

Yasmine: "He lied to me." I say out of the blue.
Blake: "What?!" He shouts, accidentally raising a voice.

I'll tell him about what happened on Saturday. That Ruel has not been honest with me about the fact that he 'just' made music and thus turns out to be famous. I will leave my nightmare behind for a while. I first have to find out for myself what this means, and whether I am going to do something with it. I feel like it wants to tell me something, but I don't know in what area.

After we watch a movie, Blake decides to drop me off at home after a long day. I am happy that I can contact him if I need it. He remains my best friend who will be there for me.

*Monday*
It is the start of the school week and I am walking towards school.  Sometimes I feel more comfortable walking to school and at other times I prefer to go by car. I mainly walk when I just want to be on my own and try to find peace.

I enter the classroom in time and look around for a spot. Liam is sitting with June and Ruel is alone. But then I look straight into Ruel's eyes. The eyes that speak the words of regret. Exactly the same as in my dream. The image emerges again. Ruel slowly losing his power, his airways getting blocked and a gun pointed at his head. They all flash by. My heart is beating so fast that I can hear it in my ear, my body turns around and runs out of the classroom.

Teacher: "Yasmine Gray!" I can still hear coming from the classroom.

I run down the hall with a blur infront of my eyes, but then I am stopped by hands that grab my upper arm and then bring me into an embrace.

Blake: "It's okay. I'm with you, it's not real." I hear Blake's calming voice say.

Blake: "I'll walk with you."
He has let me go and tries to get me back into the classroom. But deep down I no longer dare.

Ash has taken the place next to Ruel, and Blake and I will have to sit in front of them. With my back turned to Ash, I can just look at Ruel while working and rest my head on my hand. But then I close my eyes again and stop looking in his direction, afraid and terrified of the images I see again. It's not real, it's not real. My heart seems to stop every time. The oxygen gets stuck somewhere halfway up my lungs.

For the rest of the day I just turned in on myself and shielded myself from everyone. With every step that everyone took too close to me, I took my own steps back. Just like I used to do. Keep everyone away from myself.

June: "Yas, come with me if you want. " June asks me in the middle of the conversation during lunch break, holding out her hand to me.
I take another big step for myself to go with her and take her hand.

She takes me to her locker and enthusiastically opens the door. She takes a card from her locker with protruding papers.

Yasmine: "What is this?"
June: "Read this." She says enthusiastically.

I unfold the card, tilting it so that the papers don't fall out. I melt away as I read the card. It's up to Liam whether he wants to go on a date with her. I said before that there was something between those two. The card contains tickets for a cinema film. I feel happier. The happiest I've been today.

I smile at her.
Yasmine: "I think you should give it. I like it."
With a kind of jump she comes to give me a hug while she takes the card from me again. I carefully wrap my arms around her.
June: "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

Yasmine: "Well, hop, go to him. What are you waiting for." I say when we walk back to the group.

She takes Liam from the group and I reconnect.

After a few minutes, they both come back with a smile. I think he said yes. She gave me a confirmed nod and I get a smile on my face too.

In the corner of my eye, I see Blake's hand on Ruel's chest as he holds him back. He probably wants to go to me. Blake shakes no, but Ruel doesn't really want to listen to him. Until we make eye contact. He freezes. We can't keep it up for long because our eyes drop straight to the ground. Both for completely different reasons.