Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 37

(Ruel's pov)
In panic I walk through the hallways of school. It is the start of the break and slowly the students flow out of the classrooms. Even less overview to look for her.

Ruel why did you do this? Asshole. You should have let her go when she asked.

With my heart pounding in my throat, I look around. I'm going to cry again later if I don't find her soon.

Ruel: "Yasmine ?!" I shout through the crowd, but no answer. Nothing.
I walk past her locker, nothing. By her classroom where she just had lessons, no one. She is also not to be seen outside. With panic in my eyes, I scan the room around me, but I don't see anyone who could possibly help me.

And then I see Blake standing with June and Liam. I push myself through people and say sorry to the people I run into a bit too hard.

Yasmine: "Blake, where is Yasmine?"
Even I can hear the panic in my voice. I sit high in my breath and look alertly out of my eyes. Enough people notice my behavior.

Blake: "She didn't feel well and went home."
Ruel: "Fuck." I mumble.
He looks at me confused.

Blake: "What is wrong?"
Ruel "I...."
I don't know how to tell this. Whether I should tell him at all. She doesn't want anyone to know what's going on between us. But I think he should know what is going on.

Ruel: "I screwed up."
Blake: "What screwed up?"
There is just not a question mark on his head.
Ruel: "The trust she had in me."

Liam: "Dude you are all shaking." He notes.
I just nod, because I can't deny it anyway.
June: "We'll leave you alone for a while." She says when she pulls Liam away from us by his hand.

Blake: "Ruel what have you done?" He asks, but in a tone like he wants to punish me.
Okay he has the right to punish me and I can shoot myself in my head right now.
Ruel: "Yasmine and I kissed, but then Carter walked in. And I don't know what got into me, but she asked if I wanted to let her go but I didn't, until she kicked me and left." I tell him in quick succession.
Blake: "Fucking idiot! Do you have any idea what you did?!"
Tears roll down my cheeks, quickly I try to wipe them away, but they just keep coming.
Ruel: "I..."
And more is not coming out. I have no excuses, I cannot apologize. She will probably never forgive me again.

Blake stands with his hands in his hair and stares past me into the distance.
Blake: "Okay, I'm not going into the fact that you two kissed ... In the worst case, she won't trust you at all. And then she really doesn't want to have any contact with you anymore. Because I think you had quite a lot  confidence already built up with her."
I nod and look up to the ceiling. My head is pounding and I feel very short of breath.

Blake: "You haven't been very smart. But I think you have also found out ... Come on."

We walk outside and I lean against the wall.

What if she seriously doesn't trust me anymore. Then I have really lost her forever. I wish I could turn back time now. Then I wouldn't even have gone to see her when she took her aspirin. I hadn't pulled her into the bathroom. And have to listen to her limits.

Blake: "I hope with all my heart that your touch has not turned into a negative feeling."
When he says that, my heart starts beating even faster than it was already doing.
Ruel: "But what do I do now?" I panic ask.
Blake: "I want to help you, but you have to promise me that you will never do this again. You can carefully broaden her boundaries and limits but not break her boundaries and rules."
Ruel: "I promise."