Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 91

I stir through the glass with a steel pestle for the lemon. I look down at the wooden table and count the wood grain. Look at the different patterns. The round shapes at the end of the wooden plank. As if it was made from the same tree and just laid out in order. There are dents in the wood formed by the knives that have repeatedly rammed against the table. Purely out of boredom.

Kate is quiet. The only sound coming from our side is me rocking in my chair because the legs are uneven. It's front right. I would almost get nervous of myself. The smell of coffee fills my nose and the sound of the coffee machine rings in my ears. The jingling of the cups suddenly reminds me of the shards, of the cups that have already fallen here. By the newcomers or purely because the grip was not good enough. In such a way that you don't want to walk on that part of the floor for a while because you are afraid that there are still sharp pieces, even after they have cleaned everything up. You pay extra attention to where you put your foot.

Kate: "He actually wanted to take you to the zoo. That was a surprise." Kate finally tells.

Then why does it feel like an attack? It probably wasn't his intention. And not addressed to me either. But it just feels like the volume of his words shoot into my heart and make it bleed. Bleeding empty. Fear gives way to sadness. It just hurts. The pain comes from the deepest point of my bones. It's like the reaction I'm having is too exaggerated, but that's not technically my fault. It's a reaction born out of rauma that I can't do anything about now. I take all the blame on myself, when I should let it go. It's not my feelings. They are feelings that are not meant for me.

Yasmine: "That is no longer necessary." I almost choke on my own words. They leave an imprint in my throat.

Kate furrows her eyebrows slightly and presses her lips together until they form a thin line.

Kate: "It really hurt you a lot. Didn't it?"

I nod my head wearily. My lip starts to tremble slightly as my eyes begin to fill with tears. It certainly did.

Kate: "Then knows he didn't want to make it feel like an attack."

I want to hear that come out of his mouth, that his words were not meant for me to hear. I remember his eyes breaking at the sight of me. The way he froze and seemed to cool down by his guilt. But I want to hear him say it. I want the safety of his words, not of a brief action that resulted in one that sounded like war to my ears. I've always screamed for my freedom. I've always called for the keys to the lock on the chains that dragged me to the ground. Clinging to me like weights around my ankles. Not giving me a single opportunity to spread my wings even for a moment to fly. Because every time I tried, they weren't strong enough to free me from the burned floor beneath my feet. As much as I would have liked to, they never got the chance to grow until they were fully grown and strong enough. It was as if feathers were being pulled out every time. My parents would have preferred to make them bald. Pulled everything out so I could never try to fly again. But like father like daughter. Both come out of prison, except my bars were of words and deeds and his was of solid thick steel. I was under the authority of the Gray family and my father under that of the government. His exit was within reach for him. He knew who to communicate with. Who was having his back. And I stood alone. I had to dig my own way with the well-known spoon. Hoping that one day I would find a ray of light in my freedom beneath that ground. That wasn't a possibility as the sand kept coming back down. This situation triggers me and brings up my past that I try to hide as best as I can. That just doesn't always seem to help. It will always stay deep in the back of my mind, still it will call out to me. Help me remember as if I had lost my memory and this is the only option to get it back.