Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 92

Ruel: "Can you please forgive me?" Ruel begs as he squats on the floor in front of me. He takes his hands, which he had clasped around the edge of the chair next to my legs, from the seating surface, folds his hands together and brings them to his mouth in prayer. Tears well up in his eyes as he expresses his guilt.

Ruel: "I know that-"

I interrupt his sentence, which comes out of his mouth in desperation.

Yasmine: "It's all right." I reassure him as I take his hands in mine. I prop my elbows on my thighs and bring his hands to my lips. I keep them there as I smile at his hands and look at him lovingly with a slightly bowed head.

I see the stress flowing from his eyes. Literally. It's the relief you can see in his body. Being able to breathe again instead of having to hold it high in your chest because there is a pressure on it. It is the light falling from his shoulders. The muscles in his face that are no longer tight. His eyes get smaller and now let the accumulated tears flow.

I get off the chair and kneel in front of him. That's what he does when I take him in my arms. Because of the difference in height between us that becomes less because we are not standing on our lower legs but leaning on our knees, he can cry into my shoulder. I put a hand on the back of his head and stroke his soft blonde hair. His sobs are muffled by my skin against which he leans. His body jerks with every sob.

I'll keep holding Ruel until he's finished crying. Until he finds it time to let go, because I will never know how much he needs it. It certainly wouldn't surprise me if there was more to this than just begging for forgiveness. Maybe a bit of anger, built-up sadness, fear. He continues to find it difficult to express his real feelings and I understand that. I think there's a taboo on boys crying anyway. That no one would care about them, that there is no one there to help them when they are going through it. That it feels like they can't call anyone because they just aren't paying attention. Because nobody cares when a man cries. But that actually hurts me a lot to see and hear that. I care a lot about the fact that people can express their feelings and not just put it away because no one cares. I'll be there for them, I'll care for them. It really fascinates me how someone feels and that person is allowed to show that. Express with me. By putting it away you are only working against yourself. You can be honest around me.

Ruel lets go of me and keeps his hands on mine as I hold his cheeks in my hands.

Ruel: "It really had nothing to do with you if you seemed to hear that." His lip begins to tremble again and he lowers his eyes.

Yasmine: "It's okay. It was just a bit of a shock. But I know it wasn't meant for me. I know you didn't want to make me feel unsafe. There are other solutions for me to withdraw when it happens again."

I weigh his cheeks a little dry with my thumbs and continue to caress his skin.

Yasmine: "Don't hold back in these emotions." I say with a small smile.

And there's that smile again. His cautious smile after letting himself go. The very slowly curling corners of his mouth when the happy feeling starts to feel familiar again.

Yasmine: "Did you have anything planned today?" I ask carefully, without saying that I know what it is. It will still be a surprise to me. It remains special what he wants to do with me. Truly every moment together is something to hold onto, something to cherish.

He nods dejectedly, before meeting my eyes after a while and looking at me sadly.

Yasmine: "Shall we do that tomorrow then?"

He nods enthusiastically yes.

Ruel: "I'm ready to throw you in front of the lions young lady." Ruel yells when he gets up.