Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 78

TRIGGER WARNING

But then I know I'm not dead. The only instinct that overpowers is the instinct of survival. The instinct that now keeps me one step away from giving up. Surrender of myself. Turn off myself. My heart may be beating slowly, but blood is still pumping. My lungs are constricted but my airways are open. My senses are on edge. I know what is happening around me.

Without having any control over it, my head tilts to the side. By itself, without the power of others. Deep in my mind I get a reminder that the book must be on this side. The side I would look to when I open my eyes. If I had the opportunity to open them.

However, it feels like I can't do anything. I can only think. I can only listen to the environment around me. I hear the pumping of my own heart, the flow of my blood through my veins. I hear the squeaking of my lungs. It's like a high pitched tone in my ears. The tone you want to block with your hands. If I focus very much on my hand, I know how to move my little finger. It's just a very tiny move. The rest is like it's frozen. Hasn't moved for years.

I hear the footsteps on the floor slowly sinking away. Somewhere in the distance they stop. I know there's no one with me anymore.

Suddenly I realize the amount of pain in my body. I can still feel his hands on my neck. The spot under his fingers has turned into a bruised spot. Now red. Soon a deep dark purple. The same goes for my wrists. It's like they're pinched. Could fall off at any moment. The kick from a few minutes ago, even though I don't have any sense of time, seems like guts have shifted. They had to make room for a place that will never be filled again. My ribs took some of the kick, but I fear the worst.

I try to imagine how far it is to the door. About four meters. I won't be gone any time soon. If I ever get off this floor. So I have to be quiet. Like I've already died. Going pale soon.

I hear the creaking of the stairs. The steps come from top to bottom. It's Nola. There's no way it could be someone else. She must have heard it all. Rocked on her bed with her hands over her ears, hoping it would stop. Because she would not dare to intervene. Afraid of becoming a victim herself. However, she doesn't seem shocked at the sight of my nearly lifeless body. No response is heard.

Maybe she realizes I can still breathe. Seeing my chest go up and down in very short movements. Maybe she sees the beating of my heart in the vein of my neck. Her footsteps head toward the door. She's a lightweight on this floor. I hear her open the door. My way to escape. But she herself does not go through it. She walks back.

Nola: "Yasmine please. I know you can do it. You have to get out of here." Nola begs in a whisper in my ear. Is it a hallucination or did I just hear her voice break? I feel her fingertips brush my palm.

The moment I can fold my hand shut, my eyes shoot open. Air fills my lungs, but she puts a hand over my mouth. Once again my chance of life is taken away from me. Yet she looks at me with hope in her eyes and helps me to get up. She picks up the book from the floor and puts it in my still limp hand. Folds my hand in the hope that I will continue to hold it. I almost sink through my legs again as pain shoots through my body. But I will gain strength and survive. I have to get out of here before Austin comes back. Out of Nola's protection, I'll get out of here before he comes back.

With a stab in my lungs I try to breathe. I stumble towards the door. Grab hold of the door frame to keep from falling as the world starts spinning around me. If I didn't die here, I will on the way home.

I turn around for a moment and look at the part where I have been lying. Fought. I fell and rose again. There are blood spatters on the floor. Only when I can close my mouth properly again do I feel the crack in my lip.