Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 53

We walk downstairs together and to my surprise it feels like a nice atmosphere. Both families are together and are just talking normally.

Sylvie and Coco walk up to me and give me a hug. I am very confused by all this kindness in this house. And that's why I'm a bit stiff on my legs.

Mom: "Let's sit down at the dinner table, the appetizer is almost ready."
My mother stretches out her arm to point the way to the table. Everyone follows each other to the dining room.

My heels settle in the ground and don't want to walk any further.
Yasmine: "Ruel I really don't want to."
Ruel: "It will be over before you know it.They are doing very well so far, right?"
I shrug my shoulders and look silently at the passage to the dining table.
Then I feel Ruel's big hand on my back and he guides me to the dining table.

My heart falls when I see name plates on the table. I turn around and plan to walk away, but Ruel grabs my wrist and holds me here.
Ruel: "You can do it. I'll keep an eye on you." He whispers subtle in my ear.

I take a deep breath and walk to the other side of the table. I take a seat between the now two empty chairs. My eyes are scanning all the places on the table. Why do I have to sit between my parents. I want to switch places with someone. I'm sure they did this on purpose. It feels like oppression.

Then Nola comes out of the kitchen with a bowl of soup. Soup is served on everyone's plate. Later my parents both take place next to me. From the moment they sit next to me, my eyes speak panic. I start to breathe faster out of fear. Unconsciously, I look at Austin's hands for a long time, hoping he will keep them with him.

I feel so very unsafe. They know how to imprison me in their prison this way. A prison of fear, sadness, anger and insecurity. This is what they want right? Have me in their power. And they have. My body is crying out for help. My muscles tighten so badly that they start to vibrate. I turn my rings around my finger or put my nails in the palm of my hand, until the skin almost starts to tear. I can feel my heartbeat throughout my whole body, you can even hear it beating in my ear. I look at the food in front of me and struggle to eat it. Not because I'm already full, but because of the tension that collects in my stomach as well. Which eventually makes me feel nauseous.

I survived the appetizer and my parents disappeared back into the kitchen. I feel so nauseated by all the stories they tell Kate and Ralph. It seems as if they have lived a different life than this one. It all seems much more beautiful now than it actually was.

I just feel that I have turned white on my face. I feel left out of the situation. I want to leave the conversations of my parents, but I cannot reach the conversations of Coco and Sylvie because they are just a bit too far away.

I can feel Ruel's eyes burning on my skin. Almost constantly. That's the only bit of security I feel. That I know if something happens that Ruel will intervene. He really knows what's happening to me.

Suddenly Kate gets up and walks over to Coco after which she whispers something in her ear. Coco nods and looks at me.

Then another wave of heat and panic flies through my body when I hear my parents talking about me from the kitchen. But those are words I've never heard them say. I've never heard them say they are proud of me. I don't believe it at all. It also seems like I can hear the fakeness. As if I can blow away the gray layer of dust and reveal the true color of the words.

Coco: "Yasmine come on. We are going to change places."
I look at her with a little hope in my eyes and give her a little smile. I get up, but my legs feel to weak to walk away immediately. I take my glass and walk to the other side of the table. I now sit next to Ruel and no one else.