Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 86

Softly I hear the muffled sounds of a piano as I walk to the bathroom in the dark. Although it is late I decide to take a look at who is playing so beautifully. I've always had a weakness for pianos. How the fingers flow so fluidly but powerfully over the keys, and the emotion put into the sound. It's just gorgeous to hear. It drags you with it. Just like I'm being pulled towards the sound now.

With a genuine warming smile I stand in the doorway of the living room. Ruel is playing on the other side of the room. He plays on without him having any idea that I'm here. With a tired body I lean against the doorway to protect myself from falling over. I wrap my arms around my own body as I feel the cold of this room penetrate my skin.

It is dark, only the moonlight shining through the windows gives the room a little more depth. It makes my eyes want to close. Want to fall asleep to the sound of soothing piano playing. My heart's pace slows down a little, as if the sound rippling through the air is my heart's example. They are musical notes bobbing in the sea.

He plays the music from the movie Interstellar. With tears in my eyes I admire the emotion he puts into it, the way the music absorbs him. I watch his hands play, so charitable. I can watch that for hours. My heart dances gracefully to the music. It will be warm and safe.

When I hear Married Life it's the last straw. He knows this makes me cry.

Yasmine: "Ruel you know I'm standing here."

I hear him chuckle softly over the music.

Ruel: "Of course, I feel that. Besides, you betray yourself when you cry." He turns as he continues playing and gives me a smile. His eyes light up when he sees me.

I walk over to the couch and lay down under a fleece blanket as I rest my head on a pillow.

Yasmine: "Why are you here so late?" I ask.

Ruel shrugs and turns back to the piano. Then looks at his hands and tilts them. As if he's checking to see if it's still his own hands.

Ruel: "I still had a lot of energy."

However, you can't hear that in his voice. There's no crumb of energy to it.

It seems like something is getting in his way. Something he wants to get rid of or thinks about a lot. But asking about it will probably make him feel riled up. Because actually he sat down here to be alone. He can always tell me if he wants to, but I also know it's hard for him. Sometimes a little push in the back isn't a bad thing.

He resumes playing the piano. I crawl all the way under the blanket and listen to him. It doesn't really matter if I fall asleep here. I know it calms me down.

Yasmine: "Whatever is going on in your head, it's okay. It will get better someday. Even if it sometimes feels like the world is collapsing around you." I say softly as I give him a kiss on the back of the head when I stand behind him. When I put my arms around his torso, his phone lights up. There are many unopened messages, but it is a memory that comes in.

Ruel stands up and takes my hand to take me somewhere.

Ruel: "I wanted to show you something. Take the blanket with you."

When I softly follow Ruel and find my way out through the house, I'm a bit lost about what exactly we are going to do. He throws the blanket onto the roof and climbs after it. Then help me up by grabbing my arm. I try not to tear myself open with the stones, but I think I came up undamaged.

It's all clear this evening. The stars are easy to see from here. As if they are piercing through the dark color of the night.

Only then do I see that there is a picnic blanket on the flat roof along with a pile of pillows. I look questioningly at Ruel's eyes. He just has a big smile on his face.