Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 1

TW:
Full trigger warning list in story description.

Side note:
The sexual content in this book was never written with the intention of sexualizing Ruel. Because that's not what I want to do. The character Ruel is fictional with a few things that correspond to his real life, the rest is all based on a self-made character that doesn't exist in real life.
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The field of red colored roses soon goes up in flames. The heat seeps through my clothes, but I stand still. Stiffened. I can't go anywhere. I listen in silence to the cries for help that rise above the crackling sound of the fire. A boy stands in front of me in the burning field, the bullet hole seems fresh in his forehead. Blood slowly runs down his head. I tilt my head slightly to meet his emotionless eyes. They just don't look back at mine. He seems to be staring into the distance. I frown slightly and turn carefully, causing the flames to burn my legs.
It doesn't bother me. Behind me I see nothing but a sea of ​​fire. I glance back at the boy, only this time he's not looking at the field behind me. His eyes seem to be staring at my hand. I carefully look at my hand. And then the heat of the panic going through my body beats the heat of the fire. The metal of the handgun glows in my hand and I let go of it in shock. The fire makes him disappear. Takes it in as if it hasn't eaten in years. With panic in my eyes I look back at the boy, but he is gone. I lift my hand and look at my palm. There is a dead cross engraved in my hand. I sink to my knees and tears begin to flow. I've lost someone again. And this time I did it myself.

I wake up with wet cheeks. It was a nightmare. There has never been a moment in my life that I was not haunted by my nightmares. It's a miracle if I didn't have nightmares for a week. Some seem to be more intense than others, but I'm also getting used to it a bit.

Mom: "Yasmine! Get out of bed!"  orders my mother from the hallway.

I press my head back into the pillow and sigh deeply. Can't she leave me alone for a moment? Just let me sleep. Tomorrow I have to go to school and I would like to sleep in between that time. Not because I need my sleep, but because otherwise I'll drive myself crazy in my head. My body starts to stress at the thought of school.

Mom: "Come on, we don't have forever!" I hear her calling again.

Yasmine: "I don't have to go anywhere!" I yell back at her.

I roll my eyes and get out of bed with a sigh. My feet touch the cold laminate of my bedroom. I walk unsteadily towards the bathroom, after which I almost trip over a pile of clothes next to my door. I growl softly and open the bathroom door. Then I close the lock again and go to the bathroom. When I wash my hands I look at myself in the large mirror hanging in front of me. There is hardly any life in my eyes. No emotion, no joy, no sadness. It's completely empty. I am mentally too tired to feel anything.

Dressed up, I walk downstairs to the kitchen, where I see my sister sitting at the kitchen island. Nola is about three years older than I am. We don't have a very good relationship. I don't really have that with anyone in my family. To my mother Christy, I'm just an outlet. She expresses all her anger and frustration to me. That's why it often feels like I'm locked up in a prison here. The heavy weight is always on my shoulders. Constantly wary of what is happening around me. I have to keep up. When I show that I am weak, her razor-sharp blades of words fly my way again and tear me open. She continues until I am so weak that I have to surrender myself to her. And I never will. I haven't seen my father in a long time, but I have no problem with that. He makes me feel very unsafe. All the trust I once had in him is gone. In a short time I have lost my faith in humanity. I locked my heart. No one will ever be able to get to that level with me again. Anything to protect myself.

Nola: "Mom says we have to get the groceries." I raise my eyebrows and look at her with irritation.
Nola is my 3 year older sister, but I don't have a very good relationship with her.

Yasmine: "So she thinks I'm going shopping in a city I hardly know. We didn't leave for nothing, remember."
Nola: "My God, you really don't have your day."
I look at her angrily and walk towards the car.

Yasmine: "Hurry up! Before I change my mind."
Nola: "You are driving me crazy, do you know that?"
I roll my eyes at her and we drive away to the supermarket.

*In the supermarket*
I walk down the aisles with the shoppingcar under my arms. And daydream while I listen to the soft supermarket music.

Nola: "Thank you for coming along, how can I make it up to you?"
I make intens eye contact and then look at the ground again.
I pull the dirt from under my nails and don't look happy. That's right because I'm not.
Nola: "Hey, wait a minute. There's more to it than just having a bad day." She says as she comes to a standstill.
I don't want to look at her, but I feel like she's going to force me to look at her. Because yes, she often does that.

Nola: Are you going to tell or not?
I look at her and push the shoppingcar out from under me. Which makes it crash against the groceries.
I run away from her and go shopping for groceries myself.
Nola: "You can't run away from your problems."
Then I quickly turn around and look at her angrily.
Yasmine: "That's right, they will always stay with me!"

Half an hour later I still walk alone through the supermarket. I have seen Nola in the meantime, so I know she is still there. I have my hands full with everything. Chips, ice cream, chocolate, biscuits and so on. I'm sure we need this, at least for me. When I see our shoppingcar, I put everything in it quickly, but just when I want to walk away again someone grabs my arms. My body immediately stresses and freezes. My heart rate has become very high.

Nola: "WoW, calm down. It's just me."
Yasmine: "Don't approach me like that." I say with a snap.
Nola: Sorry, but would you please tell me what's going on?
Yasmine: "Well actually I do not want to."

Nola stands with her arms folded and looks at me intently.
Yasmine: "Fine."
Her gaze softens and I take a deep breath.
Yasmine: "I just can't be myself, how I always was. Certainly not in a new neighborhood. I hardly know anyone and don't even know the way."
Nola: "But there are still some of your friends at school here."
I raise my eyebrows up to her.
Yasmine: "Who says I trust them."
Nola: "It has to be otherwise you have no one at all."

I'm just done with it. Continuously pretending that nothing is wrong with me at all.
No dude, I go to therapy for nothing and take medicines! No, I'm fine!
They think it is going well because no one in my family is looking after me or caring about me. I only get attention when they want something from me again, blame me for something or just want to get angry.
How glad I am that two parents can't bother me. My father is in prison for a very good reason, he is not able to get out.

Yasmine: "Can we go now?"
Nola: "Yes, we have everything."

We walk towards the checkout and actually want to disappear immediately.
I see Grace standing at another checkout. It is, or was, my girlfriend before she moved here. I have started to trust her less in recent years, but I am not sure why. She never hurt me. Grace is also on Redlands Grammer just like her and my friends, Skyler and Maeve. Maeve is a very good friend of mine. We have always kept our contact.
Now that I have moved I have had to leave one difficult thing behind. That was my very best friend, Blake. He is always there for me. I miss him, but I had to leave, he also told me it was best. Furthermore, there is much wrong with the place where I first lived. Even the people. I was increasingly anxious to walk on the street. I no longer had safety. Although I had some nice memories there, it was not difficult to say goodbye.

I stay as hidden as possible and pretend that nothing is wrong. I really don't feel like talking to her right now. No matter how long I have seen her or not.

I manage to slip to the car unseen and lift the shopping bags into the car as soon as possible.
Which means we can leave as soon as possible. So that I can be safely back in our house. Still away from all the drama that is likely to happen.