Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 13

*Friday*
I wake up earlier than my alarm goes on, but I decide to open my curtains and watch the orange sky.
After which I close my eyes and focus on that one person who should have been with me now. He was there for me and always will be. One way or the other.

I stroke my tattoo on my middle finger and a small smile appears on my face.

When I have dressed and prepared further I walk down.

Yasmine: "Congratulations!" I say cheerfully.

My mother and Nola turn around in shock and look at me questioningly.

Nola: "For whom?" She asks.
My gaze goes from cheerful to disappointed.
Yasmine: "Have you forgotten?"
They think but nobody comes to mind at all.
How can they have forgotten? Well it turns out I'm the only one who ever cared about him. Dad can get food poison with his statement, "you never cared about Justin." I'm the only one here.

I angrily raise my middle finger at them and only then they notice it.

Yasmine: "Shut up now, you forgot. You only know it through my tattoo! You don't even know how old he got!"

*School*
Slightly irritated I walk into the school. If things had gone differently this morning, I would have been sitting here in a good mood. But no, it is not so again.

Maeve: "Congratulations." She says softly, but loud enough that you can still hear the enthusiasm in her voice.
We enter the classroom and I am closely followed by Ruel. I have yet to tell him, but I can't. It doesn't want to come out of my mouth. It stays in the back of my throat.

Ruel: "Who has their birthday?" He asks out of curiosity.
I turn up and gently raise my middle finger, but not to be mean to him.
He takes it differently and leans back in his chair, crosses his arms and his novelty is gone.

June: "Ruel, she's not raising a middle finger because of you, but because of her tattoo." She says laughing, pointing to my finger.
A grin appears on my face and I turn around again.

Ruel: "But then I still don't know who's birthday." He says leaning forward again.

Fortunately, I get over that question because the teacher starts with the explanation.

In the meantime, I start writing a letter ... To Justin.
I write a letter every time on his birthday. So far I have collected them for the day I want to put them away. Burn and scatter in the water near the bridge. After which they disappear into the flowing water.
At the thought I get watery eyes and I actually want to cry. But I hold myself big enough not to show it.

Maeve takes a look at my table and then looks straight into my eyes. I get a sympathetic smile and she puts a hand on my thigh.

Ruel: "Hey Yas, we still have to finish economics today." He says when he walks next to me while I walk to my locker.
Yasmine: "Oh yes." I say with a sigh.
Ruel: "Shall we go to you?"
I look at him disapprovingly and think what I want. Because it is so, it is terrible at my house and I don't want him to come there again. And I don't know his home either.
Yasmine: "We're going to yours."
Ruel: "Why don't you like me going to yours?"
Yasmine: "Because my whole family is crazy."
I don't want hurt him again. But it is made difficult for me.
He could also have said I had to finish it alone, so he can have a little love.

We drive up the driveway and he parks his car.
I look my eyes out because this is such a beautiful house. The garden is full of plants and the house looks modern. It is only a short walk to the beach and it has a very nice view.

Ruel: "Come on." He says with a smile, gesturing with his head that I can come in.
I don't know how long I've been looking at this beautiful house and view, but probably much to long.

But when I enter my mouth opens again. It is so beautifully decorated. Part of the house has an A-frame and is completely covered with windows. When you walk outside you have a large balcony with again a nice view.

Ruel offers me a drink. We go upstairs to his room to start working.
He said his family is at work or gone somewhere and we were alone with Wilbur.

When I walk into his room I notice the guitars on the wall.
I always wanted to be able to play the guitar, but I never took the time to really learn it.

I am so absorbed in his room that I don't notice him closing the door. I look at the cute pictures and other stuff that can be found here. I keep looking at a photo with his family when he was a little smaller. And I recognize Sylvie and Coco.

Ruel has opened his laptop and is working at his desk.

When I actually want to walk to his bed to sit, my eyes turn to the closed door.

Yas, calm down. It's just a door. There is nothing to worry about. Nothing is going to happen. Take a deep breath. You're safe here. Don't fall back. Try to put it behind you.

But those thoughts don't help.

Yasmine: "Ruel, would you please open the door?" I ask as I try to control my voice.
Not noticing that I'm starting to panic slightly, he says looking at his laptop:
Ruel: "It's not locked so you can open it."

I swallow the lump in my throat, but it hurts because my mouth has become completely dry.

Yasmine: "Would you please open the door for me?" I repeat again.

I get very restless and walk through his room.

Ruel: "You are the closest to it, you should open it."
Why doesn't he cooperate? This is not going to help me calm down. The memories from almost 3 years ago come up again.

Yasmine: "Please." I beg.
Ruel: "You can open the door."
Yasmine: "That's not the goddamn point!" I scream.
I sink through my legs and sit on the floor next to his bed.

Ruel: "Open it yourself."
And then I don't handle it anymore. I no longer have control over myself, so everything comes back.
The images, sounds, the feeling. Everything takes over my whole body again and I collapse completely.