Panic Attacks // Ruel // English

Chapter 75

(Ruel's pov)
I wake up with empty arms. No heat against me. No other energy field near me. The side where Yasmine should be is cold, stone cold. She hasn't been here for the past hour and it's still early. I'm secretly starting to miss our little morning ritual and she probably won't even be far away. I miss her lips on mine for the first time in the day. I miss the look she has in her sleepy eyes when she looks at me. Soon I will become too dependent on her. I'm gonna get homesick form her when I'm on the other side of the world. The fans give love in a different way than she can.

When I throw the warm blanket off myself to get out of bed, I feel the fresh air blowing against my skin. When my feet hit the cold floor I don't know how fast I have to run to my wardrobe to put on something warm. I pull a hoodie over my head and grab some sweatpants.

I walk silently through the hallways of the house. The others are still asleep, because it is dead silence. But on the other hand, there is no sign of Yasmine either. The stairs creak under my feet as I walk down. Wilbur happily walks over to me, his tail wagging back and forth. At least he's an early bird. You better let me sleep.

I fill the water heater and turn it on while taking my phone out of my pocket. There's nothing to see but messages from Nate and Dylan about our new song. Somehow I had hoped there was more. As I pour the boiling water into my mug, I see something in the corner of my eye. The lights from outside are still on. I leave the tea bag in the water while I think about who would take it out yesterday. I'm sure I last saw Ralph in the living room, in the pitch dark. With the tea in my hand, I walk out of the kitchen, past the partition. Only then do I see that the balcony door has also been pushed open.

I walk towards the door. Be wary, but not cautious. I don't expect anything weird. No burglar. Suddenly I slow my stride when I see someone lying on the couch outside. My heart starts to melt when I know who it is. She has pulled the blanket over herself and is curled up under the fresh morning air. However, there is not much blue sky to be seen, yet the low sun tries to break through the clouds.

I leave Yasmine where she is and sit on the chair opposite her. I pull in my legs and wrap both hands around the warm mug. I begin to admire her as she sleeps peacefully in front of me. I take in the little features in her face. The light freckles that characterize her. The pigmentation spot near her ear. The various moles hidden in her skin. Her natural long eyelashes. Her full lips that part slightly, which I really want to kiss right now. I'll bet she couldn't sleep well last night when she went outside and fell asleep there. She is sleeping very deeply. No twisting in place and a very constant breathing.

The birds are waking up and starting to fly around. The water in the distance is still low, making the beach longer than in the middle of the day.

My tea is long gone. I've been sitting here for so long that my ass is starting to hurt. But the pain is forgotten by the entertainment. Because of the protective feeling. I want to stay with her to keep her company, even if she doesn't even realize I'm with her. Perhaps unconsciously. I feel like I have to watch over her. While she's just safe here.

I hide my hands in the sleeves of my sweater and look at the clouds hovering above us. Sometimes I wish I had her big imagination with these kinds of things. When we look at clouds together, she always sees animals, shapes or other objects in them. And yet I still find it difficult. For me it remains a simple cloud. Maybe if I watch long enough, maybe I'll see what she sees too. A turtle maybe.

I look over at her and I can't help it. I couldn't help getting warm. That I'm starting to feel safe. That the familiar feeling arises that I always want to be with her. That I'll hold her hand in the times she needs it and in the times we love. She means so much more to me than I can ever say. Dare to say. She will be perfect in my eyes. Then it doesn't matter that sometimes I have to burn my hands to get to her.

Suddenly I feel a cold drop fall on my head. I look up and feel several drops splash against my skin. I rock myself off the chair and walk over to the sofa and the sleeping Yasmine. Only then do I see that there is a book near her head. To protect the book I bring it in first, Yasmine is not made of sugar. Paper can be damaged. I put it on the coffee table next to the couch inside. Back at Yasmine's place, I think about how I'm going to let her come in. I decide to let her sleep. I put one arm under her legs and the other around her back. This is how I lift her off the couch. The blanket was still half wrapped around her. I make her lay better in my arms and walk inside.I hear a small sleepy growl, but she continues to sleep. She turns her head towards my chest out of protection. I hear behind me that it starts to rain very hard so we are on time. With Yasmine still in my arms I walk up the stairs, for a moment I must have hope in the muscles in my legs. Don't even think about how to climb stairs because then it will go wrong. Then that early learned skill is a thing of the past. I distract myself by singing a song in my head.

We have arrived safely at the top of the stairs and I only have to walk through the corridor. Despite the unstable walking, she is still asleep. Or she's pretending now and likes me carrying her, princess. But I don't think that's the case. Then the features in her face would harden a bit. I push open the bedroom door with my foot and finally put her down on the bed. I make sure she's on her side again and replace the blanket from below with the duvet from above. Which I put over her to just above her shoulders. My hand strokes a piece of hair behind her ears. I kiss her forehead before leaving the bedroom again. Hopefully she will sleep a little more.

There are so many things I want to tell her. The things she doesn't see herself. The things I feel for her, the way I feel about her. What I see hidden behind that protected wall. I want to tell her about how proud I am of her. How beautiful I think she is. Not only from the outside but also from the inside. I could go on for hours about how beautiful I find her eyes, her nose, the way her hair falls over her shoulders, the way she walks. How beautiful I find every inch of her body. But the most important thing I think is her soul. The way she sees the world. The way she loves and hates. How she protects herself from others, no matter how difficult that is sometimes. The way she picks up again and again makes her strong. The fall back down quickly turns into a trek back up. As much as I want to help sometimes, she sometimes wants to do it alone. It drives me crazy sometimes. I know her trust has been violated. That every promise I tell her already sounds like a lie. Something that will be broken again. And she just needs more reassurance, maybe a little more dedication. I'll do that for her even if it breaks me sometimes. I sometimes have to push myself in the back because I won't break just like that. Sometimes I feel like I have to prove myself. But showing my vulnerable side isn't wrong and wouldn't hurt. I'm pretty sure she'll appreciate it. But I dare not. Not when I take her in my arms with tears in my eyes and whisper her soothing words, listening to her sob and feel her body shake against me. And yet you see that she does trust me, because she dares to break with me. She is not afraid to show her tears. Let the little water droplets flow that stand before the mirrors of her soul. No matter what happens I would like to stay with her forever. I want to be there for her whenever she needs me. I want to have her by my side whenever I need it. I want to tell her all. I wish I hadn't just swallowed my words. That I dared to roll them over my tongue. That I could speak purely the words of my heart. I love her and that feeling will always remain.