Dream

41

"Ayos ka lang ba?"

I sighed and sipped on my cup of coffee while looking at Yara's casket. I was too occupied by my thoughts to even focus my attention. Matagal akong nakatulala kung nasaan si Yara hanggang sa maramdaman ko ang mahinang pag-tapik ni Olive sa balikat ko.

"Sabi ko, ayos ka lang ba?" She repeated.

"Im fine," I whispered. It didn't sound like it, so I needed to add a smile so she would believe my words.

"Hindi gagana sakin yan, kahit ngumiti ka pa. Alam ko na yan, pinipilit mo nalang ang sarili mo maging okay. Kasi baka sa kakapilit mo, magkatotoo. Tama? Tama!" She laughed.

I slowly smiled to her. It hit me. Palagi naman akong nagpapanggap na okay lang ako e. I just have to pretend that Im okay, because I know my friends had their own lives and their own problem to mind. Kahit anong mangyari sakin, their lives would still go on. It was the reason why sometimes I didn't want to tell them my problems. I didn't want them to stop living their lives just because I stopped mine.

It was just a problem, a heart break that I would get over it by myself. I can get over it... at least, that was I wanted to happen, but it was really hard. Really, really hard.

"Kaya ko to," I whispered as I look at Yara's casket. "Kakayanin ko." My voice broke this time. I looked down and let the tears fall to the cold tiles. I couldn't look at Olive. I was too shy.

"Sige lang, umiyak ka lang." She casually said.

I tried so hard to stifle a sob until my chest was already hurting. I was trying to hold it all in, but it was too hard. My emotions were overflowing, I was so devastated.

I stopped crying when Anya handed me a box of tissue. I didn't even notice her coming to me. Kinuha ko yon at pinunasan ang luha ko. Tumabi siya kay Olive at hinayaan lang din akong umiyak.

"How do I endure it?" I asked them, still trying to stop my tears.

"Well, life goes on." Olive whispered. "Iniwan man tayo ni Yara, nabawasan man tayo, nandito pa rin naman kami para sayo. Kapit ka samin, hindi ka namin bibitawan."

They gave me a long hug before I left. I was driving home at umiiyak pa rin habang nag mamaneho. Hindi lang si Yara ang iniiyakan ko, kundi si Elijah din. Kahit saan ako tumingin silang dalawa ang naaalala ko. Umiiyak ako kasi it was so hard and hurtful to remember all our happy memories. Ang hirap tanggapin lahat ng sakit kasi lahat ng memories namin masaya. Ang hirap hirap ng wala sila. Ang hirap kapag nasanay ka sa tao tapos biglang mawawala.

Kung buhay pa si Yara, alam kong siya ang unang sesermon sakin sa ginawa ko kay Elijah. Kaibigan ko yon pero pag alam niyang mali ang ginawa ko, siya ang unang magagalit sakin. Kaso wala na siya. Wala ng magtatama sakin kung may mali man akong magawa. I was literally all alone. And it's really hard to coped.

When I parked my car in the garage, I saw an unfamiliar car just in front of the house. I turned the engine off and got my bag before I went out of my car, only to see  Ms. Zia. She was inside her car and obviously waiting to someone.

"Uh..." I knocked her window and she immediately looked to me and went out of her car. "May kailangan ka?"

"Hello, Kisses," she greeted. "Im going straight na ha, Im sorry Im just so desperate to see you... because the offer is still open and Im here just to try to convince you about that—" I interrupt her.

"I'll do it." I saw how her eyes widened when I said that. Alam kong biglaan din ang desisyon ko pero bakit nga hindi ko itry? At isa pa, gusto kong maging busy sa mga susunod na araw. It's a beautiful way of coping, I guess.

Agad niya akong isinama sa agency at pinapirmahan agad ng kontrata. She offered me a lot of international projects at hindi ako nag dalawang isip na tanggapin yon. I just feel like it's time to do what I want. And I think perfect timing ito dahil sa dami ng nangyare. I need new environment. New place, new people.

"So? Are you ready to see New York?" I saw how Ms. Zia excited for me.

"Im ready," I smiled. To see this happen? In just one snap, na matutupad ko agad ang pangarap ko? It was satisfying. Hindi ko pa alam ang buhay ko roon pero willing ako sa kahit anong buhay ang madatnan ko doon.

"Okay, so get your stuff and see you at my condo tomorrow!"

I nodded at her. Sinabi ko rin na sasama muna ako sa libing ni Yara bago kami umalis at pumayag naman ang management. It was a good deal, pero hindi ko pa maramdaman yung saya sa ngayon. Or maybe Im happy pero hindi siya kasing saya gaya nung nandito pa si Yara at Elijah sa tabi ko.

Before I go back to Yara's burial, I decided to stop by our house. I wasn't expecting to see my family there, I really wasn't expecting anything from them anymore. I really just go home to get my things and leave the house peacefully with no regrets.

When I entered the house, they were all in the kitchen probably eating dinner. They such really look like a happy family. I was about to get up stairs when my mom saw me, which I made stop.

"Kisses, anak..." My mon went to me and held my shoulders. "Im so sorry we didn't make it on your graduation day."

I moved her hands away from my shoulder. I looked at her straight in the eyes before looking at my dad and two sisters. Hanggang ngayon wala silang alam sa nangyayare sakin. Ayoko na. Suko na ako sakanila.

"Thank you for the things you've done for me," I told them coldly. "But starting today, gagawin ko na ang lahat para sa sarili ko. Ayaw ko ng ipagsisiksikan ang sarili ko sa pamilyang kahit kailan hindi ako tinuring na parte non."

"What are you saying, anak?" My mom asked, getting confused.

"Im saying that this is the last time you'll see me. And please... don't act like your cared for me cause your not at all."

And that was the last thing I said before I leaving my so called family.