Different colored minds

I'd go to hell so they can go to heaven

MAVERICK POV

The number one followed by six zeros stares back at me. One million eyes staring through the screen at me. I'm streaming smash bros today as I talk about the differences in video gaming in two demential format then and now. I reminisce about the Nintendo 64 and ask the audience members if any of them know what Atari is. I laugh as the chats roll in. This small space in my room I can call home.
It's 1:00am when a familiar name rolls by on my screen. Joe. I briefly wonder if this is the joe from a neighborhood away or a different Joe a thousand miles away.

I pause to read a few of the comments. The stream is ending in ten minutes.
"Now I only have ten minutes left so the only people that I will call on in the stream lottery will be from my special paying members, so, Luis!"
"Hey! Pleasure to meet you!"
"Pleasure to meet you,"
"I was wondering why you always play whoever in smash bros and love them but hate them in the video game they're actually from."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't play bad guys, how do you play them?"
"Perspective,"
"What do you mean?"
"Every person will look like a bad guy to someone else. It's what intentions we carry and what we do with those intentions that matter in the end,"
"Would you rather be a good guy or a bad guy?"
I laugh.
"Funny question. I don't really think I'd want to be the bad guy. I think good will always be good. It's just a matter of kicking through the mud to the absolute truth within that will always be good. one day our kids will think we are the bad guys who don't know what we're doing, but then once they live through it, they come up with better solutions. It's a matter of passing down. So it's important that we keep the future safe for the future generations. Help them figure out what good is. Help them grow."
"So you'd rather be a good guy or a bad guy?"
"An antihero is the word you're looking for. Someone who doesn't fit the standard of a hero but has something they're sent to do physically."
"Do you ever worry about the other side though?"
"What?"
"Like fate. What happens on the other end if you're wrong?"
"I chose to be this way. So even if I have to go to hell, hopefully I touched enough people that they don't come with me down there."
"What if they chose that too?"
"Well, then just keep reading your Bible and praying and running after things you're passionate about. God gifted you in those areas. Go use it for good. And if anything good comes from it, it is from God and not myself, so there's no need to think of me."
"But... then why would he send you to hell?"
"Maybe if I'm living in my sins."
"What sin would be that bad that he would send you to hell for it even after you said you believed he saved you?"
"You're right. Christianity isn't based on works. It's based on loving God. So if I'm loving God then he'll find me a way out of sinning."
"Then what if he's fake and we all end up in the soil forever?"
"Then I died knowing I served humanity as much as I could."
"What if the other religions are right?"
"From what I've seen of other religions, they appreciate kindness goodness, things like faithfulness and love. If I'm serving the god of true love in its perfect form, why wouldn't those fruits be added on to me? If that's what I've set my life on achieving. That I want to give up my life for others and god. I did as much as I could. If I truly am running after him as hard as I can I will find ways to grow in those areas. And from that I can distinguish between darkness and light." The line is quiet.
"Good luck man." The phone call goes dead. But that voice. I could have sworn ive heard it somewhere before? Is it someone from school? Who is it?
I thought the person was young? What was that? This makes me anxious. I end the stream early after the call.

Who was that?

I know that voice. If only I could hear it once more id be able to tell who it was. I roll over in my bed and stare at my alarm clock. It's 2:13am. I should be able to get tired by now but it's keeping me up. What if this is it? What if this is the time the whole school finds out I'm a streamer. Not only that. That I'm a Christian. It's not like I'm hiding but I don't like talking about my relationship with Christ unless it's the right context.
I want to give people the chance to tell me what they believe. I want to be able to listen to the opposite opinion of mine, say I respect your opinion. And listen. People can't change people. Only god can do that and usually he uses people. There's no point arguing. A lot of times people just need someone willing to listen. Go out of their way and actually hear a person's heart.
People don't want to have a conversation with someone who is trying to pursuade them to change their minds. They stay because the sincerity in the person that their talking to actually cares about them.

Now I'm terrified. If it gets out. If I get out. If I am who I am on camera. I know I have a helmet. I know I've done every precautionary measure. It's not enough. Nothing is enough. I am alone.

I look at the clock.

2:38 am.

I still can't shut my eyes.

Insomnia is ugly. It drives me up a wall.