Different colored minds

Pursuing perfection

JOE POV

Pain is coiling up my leg, into the bone. It blisters through my broken nerves and leaves a searing sting behind. I talked to my doctor once about this pain. Most people don't understand just how much pain my stump gives me at times. It's brutal.
But I couldn't let her get away. For some reason it just felt like if I let her get away, she'd never let me in. I saw myself, a small sliver of my soul, deep in her eyes. It's what I saw in her brother too. The broken children of broken homes. The worst part is knowing how much good our parents possess. The knowledge that they're not perfect, and will never be perfect people. There's this temptation that if you let yourself get bitter and resentful some day it will make them pay, but they're already paying enough hurting the ones that they love. A lot of them don't see a way out, just like us, dragging ourselves through life hoping that it will lead to happier days on the other side. But if you let yourself get lost on the way, there's no telling what a young wandering soul can do.

Class is long, it's boring, and it's hard to concentrate.
The kid next to me is passing me a book. Apparently we're going to be reading a new book. I look down at the cover. Of Mice and Men. I look down at it curiously, flipping it over in my hand.
"Now, there is an important thing we are going to be talking about throughout this book, a person's right to life. And what takes that away, as many of you have not read this book I want you all to be forewarned this is going to be a hard book because of the contents. For those of you that have a hard time going through it at home, we are going to be reading sections of it together. This is some hard stuff we're going to talk about up ahead, and I hope that it helps develop how you see this kind of thing."

The rest of class we spend reading the first chapter. But this is the first time I've actually listened in English class since a long time ago. Is Jeremy going to have to read this book? What does he think?

Are lives expendable? My fists clench. This is the stuff that makes me mad. Life isn't expendable. That's why I get so mad. Life isn't expendable. When trannys cut off parts of their bodies they cut of hormones that are necessary for life. They are dependent on medication and injections and surgeries to ease them closer to an early death. There are cases of heart attacks and hair growing inside sex organs. Other organs. There's so much. And they don't hear any of it. The doctor signs the paper and decides they can mutilate themselves forever.

It's these thoughts I'm caught in when I literally run into aliana. She's fuming too.
It makes me want to laugh. And then my heart hurts. But this is a different pain. An I knew this person pain. I used to know this person more than anyone else pain. The I know their expression like the back of my hand kind of pain.

I want to say something but then it steps next to her.
I begin walking away. She grabs my elbow.
"Joe, Joe don't do this, please," she pleads.
"Do what?"
"She's a human too, you of all people know she's a human," the words make bile run up my throat.
"He's mutilating himself to look like a girl. He will never be one," and then I yank my arm free. I almost topple but I catch myself. "He's living a fucking lie. Get over it aliana. I can think whatever I want," I spit.
Aliana looks me dead in the eye.
"You're leaving the one behind and going after the ninty nine huh? It's easier to yell this to me than talk to her? It's easier for you to tell her her dreams will never come true, hmm?"
"Her dreams?" Oh god. "You think that's a dream? A dream to cut yourself up? Pour tons of money into killing yourself? That's a delusion sweety! Not a dream!" I need to punch a wall. I need something to quell the anger Im feeling inside. The need to end this stupid shit.
"You'd let him kill himself?" I say quietly.
"Joe. It's not my decision to make. Joe. There's more to this than that. Not everyone transitions and..."
"Then why even say you're the other gender?"
"Some don't!"
"And why do you fucking know so much about it? What are you one of them?"
"You respect life. You respect someone's choice to stay living. I understand not wanting someone to die. I understand not wanting someone to make a decision that could hurt them. But they have to be the one to choose. I will always educate people on both sides of this coin. Because we are just that, people, at the end of the day. People god created to do good. And the longer we fight the less people get saved. I know you don't agree with her life choices, but this isn't how to tell someone. This isn't how you communicate!"
"That's right. This isn't how YOU communicate now is it?" I snap.
She looks hurt.
"I gave you the best of me. The best I could possibly give and you threw me aside because you lost your leg. I let you go. I let you decide. Because you said you needed it. I sacrificed because you are worth it to me. You will always be worth it to me. Because you are a human. You are created in god's image. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I let you go, I let you choose. Now let her," aliana was tearing up.
I clenched my fist.
"I'm leaving," I state and walk away.

What an idiot. She's going to throw that in my face now? Really? Fuck her. Fuck all of these fakes.