Different colored minds

Do i stink?

MAVERICK POV

"You know people can tell when you don't brush your teeth," I'm walking down the hall when someone says it to me.
The difference between losing and winning is how I use the information I find out.
I could explain to him I've always struggled with hygiene and every day I look in the mirror and say I look like crap I need to do better. But wanting to do better isn't the same as doing better. And for some reason that is the hardest thing to do. It's like I'm trapped by some view of my circumstances. But no one can hold me accountable but me. I know how rotten I am. I know how lazy they see me as. I know it's harder for me to do things that are easy for them. It doesn't matter.
They don't listen. They don't ask why it's so hard for me. They don't ask how they can help.
But I guess thats most of the human race for you.
And then my eye catches onto joe in the distance and my mind is riddled with guilt.
They're not all like that.
They're not all bad.
And just because no one listens yet, someone at some point will.
Because someone on this green and blue planet thinks for some odd reason being kind without a reward will outweigh living for themselves in the end.

I walk towards him.

The only one I can change is myself.

"Hey joe," I say. He doesn't respond, he looks deep in thought. He keeps walking.
"Hey joe." He turns to look at me.
"Hi," he says.
"Will you talk about something serious with me?" He looks at me confused.
"Like what?"
"I need your honest opinion on something."
"On what?" He doesn't look amused.
"Do I stink?" He pauses and then continues stepping forward.
"Yep."
I pause as well. The girl in my class was right. A think a piece of me knew. But I thought I WAS doing better. But I wish I'd do better. But I don't know how to.
"Oh."
He stops in the hallway.
"Why do you ask?"
I'm looking him in the eye. This is one of the most humiliating moments of my life.
"To be honest I've been struggling with getting in the shower twice a week. And I keep forgetting to brush my teeth. And I wanted to know if it shows."
He looks confused.
"So what are you scared of?" My eyes meet his. He's right. What am I scared of? Why am I this way? Why can't I just be like everybody else?
"The only way you're gonna get better is figuring that out dude. I can't help you there." He's walking off without me again.
"Hey joe!" I yell after him. He turns around.
"Thanks for the advice." He looks slightly confused but nods and heads on his way.
I don't know why I want to be friends with Joe.
Call it fate, i don't give a fuck.
This is probably why everyone else befriends him too. He doesn't care, and so someone else does. He doesn't want the company so everyone is willing to give it. He wants to be alone and so everyone wants to be with him. I can see how he ended up quarterback. I wonder if he even wanted it. Not many people probably think about what he actually wants because they think he can rely on himself.
My shoulder bumps hard into someone.
"Yo grease ball," Steven is there in a mess of panic and anger.
"You didn't snitch did you?" He snaps.
I frown.
"What did I snitch about?" I ask trying to remain calm. Steven is twice my size easily.
"You know what," he snaps angrily.
"I asked because I don't know," I can feel his anger. It's making me uneasy. Once again, He's twice my size. I really need to start learning karate or perhaps Jujitsu.
"The bathroom the other day!" He snarls.
Oh.
The weed.
Oh brother. 
"Bruh, im no snitch," I smile tensely.
"You want me to find the mother fucker for you?" I continue.
His eyes darken.
"Don't worry. I got it," he turns and leaves without another word. I gulp. I've known Steven a long time, but I've never seen that expression on his face. It's dark but afraid of something. Something deeper.
What happened?
I shiver and shove my hands into pockets. This is why I'm no snitch. Not worth my neck.
I know I must look like a snitch. I must look like a lot of things. I stink. I can't have a normal conversation. My life is online. I guess I stink because no one cares. They say they care but if they did they would know how to say it. Or be there. Or something. Maybe in some sense it's me giving them a reason to stay away.

I go through fazes like ocean waves crashing at the shore. I want someone to depend on, then I want to be alone. I want something permanent but I'm entitled to nothing in life. So why does this all feel so permanent. Why am I so adverse to change when existence itself is change?
Sometimes I hate the world that never loved me. Sometimes I don't know how to respond to a world that doesn't know how to respond to me.
And I hate myself for being stuck in my head on my way to gym.
My head throbs with information as my teacher introduces pickle ball.
Am i holding the world responsible for me? Am I responsible for me?
I get handed a wooden paddle and a whiffle ball.
How do I be responsible for myself? How do I be self sufficient? How self sufficient do I need to be?
I get picked last. It's probably because I stink.
The thought makes me chuckle.
Good riddance.
Why is being alone so freeing and so lonely at the same time? Why do I need people if people will always fail me? Why did god make earth like this?